What I'm learning from H stages, disappointment.

[nero]

OMG - you poor kid- it is soooo true. i cannot even imagine the pain of you having continual reminders - and having to KNOW it on a daily basis in your face-

just before - this morning- when i went in to turn on his computer to use the printer- and his e-mail screen comes up (the harmless one) - it makes my stomach flop-

i look at the stinking screen (i could toss it out the window- honestly) and feel sick- from that one e-mail i read- almost two years ago- burned onto my heart forever -

I STOP MYSELF from EVER looking for others. i know they all exist somewhere- just that one still is burn3d into my brain- i cannot know it and exist in any space with this guy. it will ultimately destroy it all- like a slow , degenerative disease - it's killing the happy memories - the feelings - the "r" or any remnant - slowly , inexorably moving forward- and i feel powerless to stop it- just sitting here watching my heart turn hard, watching his stupid self continue on his blind and foolish trail- some jou4ney - huh???

knowing that - and then the phone text thread i read- well, it's done me in. i wouldn't mind having amnesia - but i don't think it's gonna happen spontaneously -

it is the worst that could be - i can't do it to myself and yay for you to stop that madness in your life. allowing yourself to be off that hook - to side step that particular PAIN in your life -

it dulls out- but it's still there. i never thought i was a "hold a grudge" kinda guy- but apparently i am and will til i die.

ultimately- really, it's killing "us" and anything we had.

what jerks - sorry, just that- stupid, foolish , childish jerks -

aint i mature today??? it's soooo dumb but soooo deadly..

[nero]

I have already told them that he is fragile and we don't push him, I also told them that they get to leave us here with a possible angry, now unsettled man that they agitated. But, again is this his consequence or do I protect the hard work we have all done here to keep some sence of piece.

holy crow- it is one thing after the next for you. hope you survived and came out of your "holiday visit" okay.

what a freak show- I told my h's father at one point what was going -

phone call - gotta run - back later xxoo ((())) hang in there dearie -

[albamarie]

I have twice asked my H to leave. He refused. So I'm getting myself ready to leave. But that's going to take quite some time due to financial concerns

Hi mizjjd - thanks so much for posting, I feel so all alone with this vampire in my home. Especially this morning after yesterday, and just min ago watching my 3S's, who are great guys, take their GF's on a week vacation to a cozy lodge in WIs.

It's just me and D18 here and I'm sure she's off to BF's house for bowling and a movie as soon as she rises from her slumber.

I have asked not-H to leave about 10x, honestly the last 3 were my serious voice one's but it still didn't work.

I really think he needs to not see me, or have my "home" food, comfort, luxuries (as they are) to return to. I hate him on my couch, eating my cooking, this morning I wanted to push my d's yogurt container down his throat as he sits like a spoiled F*ing self centered brat watching movies all day.

Can't make him leave, can't push small plastic container into his wind pipe, can't kill him outright! Well, moving out has been on my mind very much!

How easy it would be to leave, leave the state which I hate anyway, and work on myself in piece. Financial concerns are the worst. I'm working on at least making debt gone, and putting away everything into savings in order to finally feel financially confident if I need to force not-H out.

[albamarie]

Not-H said to BIL that I am one of the best women he knows, pure at heart, and that I get all the credit for the children.

Then during another topic he says "i don't love her anymore" "I lost my love for her when she had back surgery 3.5 yrs ago because "I" couldn't relate, so I separated from her long before ea".

He was great during my (very non-abrasive, microscopic) surgery...but I guess it makes sense to him. How very narcissistic of him, not to mention that he has had 3 major back injuries since we married that I took care of including, doctors, time of work, meds, and nursing.

I knew it's the spew...but it still hurts!

[albamarie]

Nero-I don't think I will be ok until I am off this ride. I never like rides, they make me sick, and I am very sick of this one.

I'm sick of the analyzing the trial and error, the emphasis on someone else and how to treat them while they treat you like sh!t.

Especially when not-H is not worth any of this, I don't want him back.

So I'm working on the long untwining process of getting away from him!

Tell me what your h has said lately. Is there new or change to you switch, good or bad. We can't just except spring and summer to meet us with the same ole sh!t!

What's on your mine for you?

[albamarie]

that was ment for Nero's thread...I swear I'm going bonkers!

[albamarie]

No, it can't and it won't. If we have learned nothing else we have learned that nothing is "forever", all situations evolve and change. It does however FEEL like forever when you're going through it

This sentence, honestly, is the one "today", that is keeping me from going to the couch and throwing him out the door. Pushing him literally onto the porch and locking the screen window door.

It does feel like for-ev-er! But, your right this is not where we were 3 month ago so one day this to shall pass! I wish these phases would hurry the hell up!

[job]

Dawn,
We do not want to rush the process for the mlcers. It's best to take it nice and slow so that they don't miss one step along the way of healing. I know you are frustrated and it's been getting to you, but the ups and downs will speed up and eventually everything will level out. Cut yourself some slack and do something nice for yourself today. You've been fighting the monster by yourself, time to drop the rope and allow your h to face his demons on his own time table.

Hang in there. The road will be a bumpy one, so strap in and get ready for the bumps as they come along.

[LoisB]

I've been reading the situation and hang in there Dawn. You can do this! I know the pain your talking about when you just want to disappear and fall into a puddle of tears, but you can't. It stinks. Put your heart first, but don't make any rash decisions. Think it through with help from these boards, friends and family. Not-H is a sick guy, but you're getting better. It's getting easier for me to handle the OW and all that brings with it. Strangely, looking inward at myself and my own problems with being abandoned have made her look increasingly less important in my life. Facing the pain and fear somehow makes it go away.

Much Love,

Heather

[albamarie]

Snodderly -
So I did drop the rope and left not-H in the living rm to twirl around while I invaded S's basement-brm. D18 made popcorn while I figured out their advanced home theater and we watched movies (with cute guys) in them, and ate fancy chocolate we found in their "man" fridge.

I didn't realize how cool they have it down there, no wonder they haven't moved out yet

I went upstairs a few hours later to find not-H pacing, going to the porch to smoke, and eating everything he can find. Luckily he runs thin or his 16yr old like eating habits would have made him 250lbs by now.

D18 and I made a shrimp dinner, sat with each other at the dinning rm table, and enjoyed Sunday dinner just the girls. H creeped in later, like a mouse these days, and scooped up the last of the risotto from the pot, so weird.

I guess he's facing some doozy's, I can hear him talking to himself, arguing and working out scenario's with hypothetical people. I can't let myself feel sorry for him, it back fires and hurts me, so dropping the rope is the best advice.