What I'm learning from H stages, disappointment.

[nero]

hey dawn-

nice post. nice outcome and wise "step back" in the face of his crabbiness & indifference.

i like it alot- you were wise & self-preserving. this sounds like detachment to me- so good on ya mate. (me being australian)

i hope to achieve the same someday. i am wierdly detached about h being with ow rite this very moment. i like your not-h so i'm going to adopt it.

thought for a second as i woke up of not-h laying in bed with ow - that very moment- didn't cry or up-chuck or obsess. just let it flow in then out of my head (well, mostly). out of my hands.

sent tiny little prayer up that IF he is ever going to realize what he's doing/done - it comes before i am irreparably damaged and gone.

i know- me, drama. i'm sooooooo NORMAL and PLODDIE in life-(all the extremes & drama is in my head & words? anyway-

i need to go find that alcoholic prayer about changing what you can, accepting what you can't and wisdom to know the difference.

this letting go of all power & knowing it is a wierd feeling. i keep thinking i can do better or do more or fix it or something..... then i remember i can't do one darn thing about it. like my sister & the drinking. i could go down the "shoulda" rd, but why bother. she's dead - it's over- never to be re-done or un-done-

same with not-h. he's slipped off some edge. his choice - i can't pull him back- i can't dig him out- i can't do a darn thing. i don't even understand- but probbly don't have to do that either - do i?

just endure - and put one foot in front of the other...


off to work on some junk- glad you're out there GLAD YOU HAD A GREAT EVENING. i swear- the kids - it's what it's all about- they're so forward-looking. not cowed or bashed down by life- fun, positive - yay... i am not bashed down btw - merely a bit clobbered, but by no means dead...

your post & success is an inspiration. As usual - today will be a challenge ...

xxoo

[nero]

hey dawn-

2 things.

you saying your not-h bought card for ow. my not-h gave me some lovely cards over years - much thought & love. things he could never say himself out loud. he hasn't for a few years now. i still have them - can't look, too painful. love was real...

he never ever ever wanted to talk about something important enough to sit down & do it- make it happen - and make me understand this WAS something important. last year- when he was making plan with ow about a visit- he said to me (FOR FIRST & ONLY TIME IN 35 YEARS) "WE need to talk". if he'd EVER said it- my ears would have pricked up.

he always had the words & ABILITY - IF HE EVER CARED TO USE THEM. HE'S a stinking successful lawyer- he could convince a cat it's a dog- he could make an under educated jury understand an obscure point of law.

he never cared enough to even talk or try (- i guess). that is unfortunate truth i am forced to accept.

it hurts - it makes one "let go" a bit too- like you it's some tiny thing sparking a HUGE REVELATION...

[albamarie]

Journaling,
Well, here it is Sunday and we have had a family issue come up that we are not sharing w/not-H. The five of us have come together without him and were actually getting the hang of doing just that.

Sat night my MIL came over on a bus to visit her son that she now see's has lost his mind. My spanish is limited but I got the gist of the conversation thanks to goole translate.

Basically he spent another 2 hrs saying to her that he doesn't want anything to do with this family and he doesn't care about us all. Next thing we hear her bust out in English, family is everything - your wrong for saying that, they go back and fourth, your wrong, no your wrong, no, yes, no, yes. In English this she sternly say's, what's wrong with you.

The only reply he had for the evening was he's angry and he's done with us, her and his brothers. He told her it's her fathers fault for selling his land that would have made us a rich family today. Her fault for excepting life's hardships while he was growing up, she should have been angry.

Now, he's going to be angry for everything, and never be a good person again because only bad people push forward and get a head in life.

I feel as if the more he says these things the more callous I am becoming, in a bad way though, like a person who doesn't care anymore. My C said h has become indifferent, but isn't that how am now becoming toward H?

I have been told not to listen to his spew, and go by his actions. Well, his actions are confusing, and at times contradicting. When his mom left he went into cleanup mode collecting all the small cans from the rooms to dump into one large one and set the garbage out to the curb. He cleaned the counters, and picked up the living rm.

He still comes home everyday, shows up to the very house he "asks" to be released from. Works, and searches for side jobs for the extras as he always has, and actually spending less when he's at work sacrificing lunch to save money. And, today asking me if the stereo was to loud and seeking me out to tell me he found the band he was looking for.

Funny, I don't remember paying for or getting on this ride, can we stop the wheel soon, I'm getting nauseous.

Ride it out...that's really all that's left to do. I feel one difference between me and most of the posts (actually all) that I have read so far, (and, please if you know of one let me know), I don't love my H anymore.

I have not come across one post where the LBS is saying that. I don't want to reconcile with him, I don't love him. Any thoughts...I am open to all opinons! Some of you may think I'm being protective or just that hurt, that done, please share, maybe help me see where this is coming from.

thanks

[nero]

hi dawn-

i'm sooo sorry for the debacle and i'm soo sorry for the way you feel. i wonder sometimes what the heck i feel. if i were totally without concerns on any othr front- do i even like this man? sometimes(like tonite) i don't want to talk to him- i don't care if i see him- i wish i were detached and gone.

i was stopping by to say something i was thinking about - while cleaning up a bit just now. that you must feel very good and "free" to be able to just say rite out to him - so GO - move out- just do it, JUST DO IT.

WHETHER or not he leaves is another matter- but for once i'd like to just say it. leave me alone- if she's so wonderful go have that life and leave me out of it(forever).

i don't - whattasurprise.

do you feel so bad to say it and feel it that you want to hear someone else echo it? i can't say if i do or don't. i certainly don't feel the devotion and attachment i have for the bulk of my life. it's different- i'm not sure if i can get something back for him. his callous treatment of my heart & feelings just makes me dull & detached.

is that what you feel- ?

maybe it's a good thing. if he is meant to keepy0u and be in your life- you've said before - he'll have to woo you and win you. i feel that way too-

it is a giant shame what these schmos have done to perfectly good women like us. they are nuts to think there is "more" out there. oh well- insanity- what can one do? it's scary it's so unreasoning...

i hope you're not too blue. i don't know what to make of him coming home- still apparently seeing you as his "rock" still seeing thelight in your little lighthouse. i don't honestly know. can anyone honestly know what is in his head & heart?

i don't think so. if you don't wait for him- no one could ever blame you. i get to a point where i want to run away screaming- i wonder if i drag my feet to have justification to not do it- maybe i want to feel something or believe i might again- or he might.

i don't even know what is in my head & heart. feelings only- as mwd says- just feelings. they come and they go - don't trust them or go with them only when making a decision. they may be different tomorrow.

i hope you find some peace and closure about this. it's your heart and your right to say what's in it. nobody has justification for any opinion - imho.

take care - try not to brood on it. i hope your'e doing ok.
xxoo ((( )))

[nero]

hiya - you're saying two things:

Ride it out...that's really all that's left to do. I feel one difference between me and most of the posts (actually all) that I have read so far, (and, please if you know of one let me know), I don't love my H anymore.

I have not come across one post where the LBS is saying that. I don't want to reconcile with him, I don't love him. Any thoughts...I am open to all opinons! Some of you may think I'm being protective or just that hurt, that done, please share, maybe help me see where this is coming from.

i'd say you've still got some kind of attachment - today- since you're saying both "ride it out" and don't love him. So- are you riding it out from choice - or because he just doesn't go and you're more or less forced to?

just curious. i do think alot if protectiveness - one would certaily have to become more callous in the db process - or maybe die from the wounds. you probably are- donja think? it's a good thing , isn't it? to stop allowing someone to wound you?

i wonder like mad- this business of being present in your life and mine not- when he's gone lately- i don't remember the good fondly- i remember the bad and feel sad, mad, unwillig to care. he's doing too much damage by the being gont thing. abandonment - i didn't sign on for that.

and then there's you- wanting him to just stop & leave and leave you alone. too hard to watch & endure the anger. it's sure a mixed up scene - the mlc - oh cripes - listen to me-

LIKE there's a perfect mlc scenario - it all suc_s for sure.

hope your day is okay

xxo

[nero]

dawn-

I KNOW- I SOUND very neurotic today- but it's occurring to me about your H , that i'm thinking he cares on some level or he wouldn't be there - coming back - hanging in there despite your "permission" to go being granted. i'd think he seems himself as part of your family. his actions or words aside - his big action is continuing to exist within your realm of influence.

he's probably not aware (nor is mine) that they are as attached as they are - and thinks he wants nothing more than freedom from you or me. YET - they always turn up again. i continually wait for him to announce he is "done" & leaving . I continually fear i'll go bonkers and just say it myself and kabam. i don't even know if it would be a good thing or bad- -

your H - depression asied & evrything aside - - i'd guess maybe deeeeeeeeep in his subconscious his heart knows he will not want to have you gone from his life. this is the confusing part- it might be mlc - but it's having his cake too. i hate the expression now- it's my h too - somehow the mlc is supposed to make us sympathetic instead of insulted & rejected. BUT - THE ACTIONS ARE THERE - so we've got to consider them. i've said a million times in life that with my h and my mother- they cannot express emotion AT ALL - never a kind word - they would die. BUT their acts are kind - alot of the time they are thoughtful- they keep us in their lives one way or the other-
WTF - we have compassion & guilt and so on- we look at the acts - we interpret- we go nuts from the crossed signals.

I THINK YOU HAVE EXHAUSTION - HONESTLY- I THINK mentally and emotionally you have just reached the end of that particular rope. maybe this is truly what everyone is calling "detachment" - you just don't care what he's doing. ya think? much like you- i'm thinking it's just not love anymore. BUT THEN you say things like "ride it out" and i say things like not talking today because i may blow up - and mwd says feelings come and go.

is there any chance for you to just get away? i keep thinking i need the same thig- but there's no where i want to go and no one i want to go with. boooorring... fMAYBE GIANT MENTAL TRIP- anything you love to do and can go do? i need to follow this advice too- the "obligations" in life arekilling me and i don't even have kids or a job at the moment- how stupid am i to squander any free time "doing chores" when i should be dancin on a table somewhere with a lampshade on my head? i'm off to be "not a dope" today I hope. think i'll try avoidance another day.

it's the ow thing that is killing you and me - which of us deserves rejection and being compared to some stupid cow that seems alllllll wonderful for whatever reason????? i'm askin ya- neither. soooo- do we go with "they are mentally unstable" and be understanding yet another day? where is your head today-

did you find the other lbs that is out of love?

[albamarie]

Honestly, I say ride it out because there is no right steps to take so I'm letting nature take its course. The time I'm taking is not to heal us, but to get myself in order. I don't want to live out my future with him.

I don't look forward to the second half of my life with h at all. I want everything that is opposite of him. I want a man, loving, kind honest, with eyes and heart for God, family and me!

I'm stuck here with this not-h living in separate rooms, hearing his spew, seeing his new life style, and I am nauseous. He try's to tell me last night how he's bored like hell, well me too a3swhole, it's Sun night cold as hell, and your a stinky nail biting vampire taking up my family room for your junk. Get the hell out!

But, I can't force that so here I type, no I don't even like the sound of his voice whe he speaks, I think I can actually feel my ear drums cry!

Sorry if the sp is bad, I'm unsung my phone.

[albamarie]

like just now I had to inform him that it's MLK day so no, he won't need his car back from D, because he doesn't have work.

The first thing he says is- I can't handle this, im so bored sitting around, I said then do something, there are everyday things that need attention, the car, the kitchen, your as$, and he says no those everyday mondane things are not part of his life anymore.

STUPID, F-ING, POS! oh, so that's why he doesn't bath. Get out of my life! NO, Im not angry, I am being honest.

I tried to look for success stories were the lbs is as done as I am an there was a turnaround, still reading.

[job]

Dawn,
Sounds like he's looking for "fun" things to do. Something that doesn't have responsibility written all over it. Hmmm, he could wash his clothes and watch them spin in the dryer. He could clean himself up and feel better. I wonder if he would get in the bathtub if you had some bath toys, i.e., little yellow rubber duckie for him to play with.

He's depressed, but honestly there's no excuse for not bathing. I read where K. Stewart is doing the same thing, i.e., not bathing. Apparently she's having an issue w/depression as well.

I feel for you because it's not easy when they are living under the same roof.

[nero]

hey hi-

wow - he sure is driving you nuts today. maybe you could just casually spray him with furniture polish (lemon) or air deodorizer and say oops -

i'm writing to tell you something either funny or sad. i just (for God alone knows what reason) hung up big shiny hearts in all my windows because i like houses that decorate when i walk.

i'm on a main road- but get that - valentine hearts - me of all people. life in shambles - heart a wreck - not-h a jerk- ta da

soooooo- does hope spring etrnal or have i finally stepped "off the edge" here. oh well- i'm hanging them in hopes and good vibes to all of us out here screwed by love- but secretely believing it could come to us or anyone - again.

who does know? maybe my stupid big ole hearts will send a message to the universe - we may be down - but we're not out.



no- i didn't have any wine (yet) - WE CAN ENDURE THIS- WE CAN DO THIS- YOU'RE FUNNY AND THAT'S GOOD - MAY AS WELL FIND THE HUMOUR IF YOU CAN'T FIND THE PURPOSE OR POINT....

HEY- GOD'S LITTLE JOKE?