It's good to be here

[Mileus]

I've been going crazy for days. Finding this site and DR has been a lifesaver. No changes so far, except for me, but for now, that is enough.

My sitch: WAW39 Me38 D20 S18 S16(Autistic)

We met after she left her abusive Ex almost 14 years ago. We moved in but could not get married because he wouldn't sign divorce papers. It took years. We never actually got married, but we had planned on it this year. (I recently found that that bothered her more than I thought.)

After her mother committed suicide she got very depressed. She got into pain pills and even cheated on me for a guy who could get them for her. It was brief and ended quickly. She got off drugs and is clean.

Life has not been easy. An autistic son, her depression, my son's depression and drug addiction. Plus a teenage daughter. Lately we drifted apart. She said she was sad for her mom, it's been 2.5 years but she still cries once or twice a week thinking about her. I thought I was giving her time to heal by taking care of everything. She just shut down, would do nothing with me. I drifted towards computer games and tv.

A month ago she started staying a few nights a week with a friend, she has a long commute, to save money. Turns out the friend was OM. I felt like an idiot. On Saturday everything came to light and I did everything wrong. I did everything wrong again on Sun, Mon. Now I'm trying to 180.

I have started working out. Eating better. I don't call her all the time. I only respond to her texts. Here are my issues.

She says she loves him and is not "in love" with me. We have had 14 years to try (though we didn't). She wants to be with him. We aren't married so it seems easy for her to leave. Though I'm here with our 3 kids.

She says she loves me. I know I'm not supposed to say it to her, but do I say it back? I have been because she seems hurt if I don't.

She still calls this her home even though she said she would rather be there. I don't want to force her to permanently choose because she will probably just leave, but how do I make her see she can't have both of us? If I ask her to take some of her stuff out, is that going to make it more real and scary or just put her off?

We had sex on Tuesday. That was probably wrong. She's worried I'll tell him. LOL how f'ed up is that? I don't want her to feel I'm not interested. If I push her away, will she come back.

I guess I'm not sure where to start. She wants to be with him more than me, but she isn't convinced she wants to leave me. I know I can't pursue or ask future questions, but how should I act?

[dbmod]

^

[Soul.Searching]

I'm sorry you find yourself here. Some of the more experienced members should be along shortly to help you.
I'm newish to all this myself but I would say you need to stop the cake eating.

Sleep, eat, breath. Work on you.

[2chiquitos]

Read MWD post on sex with WAS.
Also, have you picked up a copy of the book?
Have you looked over the 37 rules?

**Take care of mileus

[Mileus]

Read MWD post on sex with WAS.
Also, have you picked up a copy of the book?
Have you looked over the 37 rules?

Yes to all 3.

She was home Friday night. We hung out with the kids and it was nice. (Should I stay away for that?)

She said that she doesn't hate the idea of staying with me and leaving him. She doesn't want to hurt me or the kids. She had a hard time leaving Saturday, it took her about an hour after she told the kids goodbye, but she still left. Thank god for this board.

Her plan is to come back Tuesday, though not seeing the kids for a few days might change that to Monday, I hope so, at least for them. Should I let her stay the night, or ask her to leave before bed time?

I'm taking care of the kids and myself, but I feel like everything else I do is wrong.

[labug]

We had sex on Tuesday. That was probably wrong. She's worried I'll tell him. LOL how f'ed up is that? I don't want her to feel I'm not interested. If I push her away, will she come back

Did you wear a condom? Because you get an STD or worse and she could get pregnant. Take responsibility for your life, if you aren't currently.

I guess I'm not sure where to start. She wants to be with him more than me, but she isn't convinced she wants to leave me. I know I can't pursue or ask future questions, but how should I act?

First get the book and read it. It's hard to do DB is you haven't read either book.

You've had a lot going on in your lives, are either of you in counseling?

[Mileus]

Did you wear a condom? Because you get an STD or worse and she could get pregnant. Take responsibility for your life, if you aren't currently.

First get the book and read it. It's hard to do DB is you haven't read either book.

You've had a lot going on in your lives, are either of you in counseling?

No, I didn't. Her tubes are tied so she can't get pregnant, but I should have worn one. And I have been reading the book. I've read ch 1-6 (to Step 5) and CH 10 (infidelity). It helps, but this is all so new.

I've tried to get her into counseling, but she hates it. She has been depressed, badly, since her mom's suicide a few years ago. We drifted apart because I stopped trying. She always said no to going places and never seemed interested in nice gestures. And, I guess I gave up a bit. She has been unhappy with all aspects of her life for awhile. I wish I had read the chapter on living with a depressed spouse before all this happened.

I would 180 on being absent, but I know I'm supposed to detach. I would definitely 180 if we get back together, but the 6+ month timeline is terrifying.

I have set some goals.
* I want her to believe she can be happy at home.
* I want her to come back (leave him).
* I want to be able to trust her.
Personal goals.
* Workout Daily (at least 30 minutes)
* Eat healthy
* Spend more time with kids (at least 1 family night a week)
So far, these have been going very well.

[labug]

Don't try to get her in counseling, that's her job.

Are you in counseling? Have you read Depression Fallout?

I have a different opinion about goals, they shouldn't be about actions by others over whom we have no control.

So what things would you do that might make her take a second look at you?

[2chiquitos]

"I have set some goals.
* I want her to believe she can be happy at home.
* I want her to come back (leave him).
* I want to be able to trust her"

How do you plan to do this? Remember, small, microbaby steps.

[Mileus]

I'm starting by building my relationship with my kids. I take my youngest places and my oldest two like to hang out with me on the back porch and talk. It's been nice.

I work out everyday and have been eating healthy. And I am starting to detach. (that's hard)

I am also starting to talk to the people I work with. I'm going to start going to the places I'm invited to. No more No.

I know I can't affect her feelings by talking, so I'm giving her space. (also hard)