Wow, I feel so blessed by all of you. Your support and caring truly means a great deal to me.
I was talking to my sister yesterday and I said that my feelings about my W are SO much bigger than her. It has been like the perfect storm, a confluence of events, to force me to face my deepest fears and hurts. The issues of aging, finding meaning, my personal insecurities, abandonment, rejection, the concept of family, past losses, connection, my underlying perfectionism and anxiety... have all been triggered.
And today I am thankful that they have been brought into the fresh air, because that is the only way they can stop festering and truly heal..
I think I used my M and my W as a medication of sorts to keep those wounds from hurting... but it just masked the pain, did not heal it.
And I am moving through it... I can see it now. I am able to look forward, be excited about things again, without W. I am enjoying being able to do my own thing and not worry about how she might feel about it.
SS, you are right. I am thinking that she is gone and honestly, I am starting to feel relieved. I deserve to be treated better. I deserve to be loved.
Bug, thank you for reminding me of the process. I think of you often and the growth you have experienced by not resisting and having the courage to face yourself.
SAIS, I love that you said that it is an eternal process. I forget that sometimes and get frustrated at my pace, as if it is a race. There is no finish line...
SD, perhaps the universe is like a parent that keeps pushing us beyond our comfort zone so that we develop independence and confidence in ourselves. (but enough already..lol)
IO, lets go back to the picnic blanket together and help each other when our toes start to itch to get off.
Val, you continue to both encourage and challenge me, all at once.. thank you. yes, i want to find the strength to do this not from a place of fear. that is important bc i have let fear drive too much in my life and i do not want to give it space any longer. thank you for that way of looking at it. it was reassuring too to hear that your experience was similar about this timeframe.
Rick1963, thank you for sharing your experience, for normalizing mine and giving me a framework to accept where i am at. i have realized that my ability to love so deeply and unreservedly is both a great gift and a great challenge, as so many of our finest qualities are. i am now seeking to refine it a bit so that i reserve some love for me so that i no longer lose myself in someone else.
i went to a meditation retreat yesterday and we did a 25 minute walking meditation outside in the sun repeating "May I be happy and may I be at peace." We could also wish the same to others who enter our mind. It was initially challenging due to my emotions coming up, but they washed through me, and peace took their space.
Yes, SS, she is gone, and I am okay.
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
You are so, so much more than ok! Pity she either didn't see it or it was a mismatch for her life and journey. I think the universe knows what's best for us and leads us there. Patience...we're not so good at that, huh? ;-)
((((()))))
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
Thank you SS, I am beginning to know that too... that in some ways my W set me free. Free to grow into who I want to be.
Tori, my recent peace has really opened me up to new activities. In the past week, I have been to a free concert by a very cool alternative band that just released a new CD, had 4 super bowl invites, signed up to join some new groups on meetup and, BEST of all, met up with some other very cool and inspiring fellow LBSers. I am becoming more and more excited about the adventure that is my life.
I have been thinking a great deal about forgiveness and why I have been struggling with it and I think I found part of the answer...
Before, I saw forgiveness as focused on W and understanding how her pain and fear impacted our D. Every time I would go there, see her with those kind eyes, I would end up missing her more and hurting more. Again, the focus was on her, not me, a Co-D pattern. I think it was also an attempt on my part to not let go, to excuse her in order to not face the pain of my sitch.
From my readings, I shifted a bit. My forgiveness work is now on using this experience to understand myself better.... specifically to grow by seeing the stories that I create about my experience in the world which keep me imprisoned and to then let go of the story by creating a new one. When I saw her as acting out of fear and pain, but still saw myself as unloveable and needy, I was still grasping and trapped.
Now I am beginning to look at the story of my M differently.
I can see that this has happened in order for me to learn how to forgive and to work on my anxiety about uncertainty. I can see that this is an opportunity for me to challenge and let go of the stories I tell myself about abandonment and being unlovable ...replacing them with the awareness of the uncertainty of life and developing my confidence in my ability to survive and thrive in it, realizing that the journey that another takes is not a reflection of us but them, believing that this is my opportunity to unfold and grow, growing to understand how my fears manifested what i feared the most... and on and on...
My forgiveness needs to start with me.. and with my own shortcomings (thank you KG for opening my eyes here last week)... facing them honestly and compassionately and expand from there..
By creating a new story... about myself and my M... I can let go of the old ones which kept me locked in anger and resentment and forge a path to forgiveness. A path that forgives W but does not make excuses for her which blind me to the reality of who/where she is right now in her life.
My IC noted this week how well I have been able to set boundaries these past few weeks in 3 different situations. I think that is connected as well to my shift in focus.
All in all, I have been in such a good place lately and want all her to know, that yes, it does get better...much, much better.
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
BEST of all, met up with some other very cool and inspiring fellow LBSers.
Meeting other LBS'ers IRL is one of the most powerful things that I have done. I know that it is not allowed here on DB, according to the TOS but I would highly reccomend it to anyone that can figure out how to do it.
"A path that forgives W but does not make excuses for her which blind me to the reality of who/where she is right now in her life. "
I LOVE this. And i love where you are right now.
NG you are amazing and such an inspiration...always detrained to move forward and not let the NOW determine who you will be. I love that. I love your strength and I love your perseverance.
So cool that you met up with other LBSs! It must have been a wonderful time.
xxxxxx
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Thank you Cadet, you are so so right. I have heard you say this before but did not get it until I was actually there. What amazing people I have the opportunity to know.
Thanks, SD. How are you?? You have been quiet lately. I miss your sene of humor here.
Sweet Busting, wish you could have joined us. Actually I wish all three of you (Cadet and SD) could have been there. It was our blanket in real life.
JOURNAL
This week is the anniversary of when W met OW out for dinner (we had been friends with OW and her ex) and then changed her mind on her decision to work on our M. As such this has been a more difficult week for me, but I am reminding myself:
1) this is the FINAL first anniversary/date of significance. YAY!
2) i have grown through this in ways i needed to grow to enjoy myself and my life.
3) this is where I need to be....there is more growth ahead of me, i am facing down more fears and building more confidence.
4) this too will pass and i will be okay.
i think a case can be made for us LBS' experiencing a form of PTSD. i have many memories and intrusive thoughts flooding me this week. i continue to work on changing my thoughts, meditation and living in the present. it is definitely less intense, less frequent and i move through the feelings quicker.
i have so much to be grateful for and i am reminding myself of that too.. i have been blessed beyond belief in so many ways in my life. being here and all of your support is one of the biggies. thank you.
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
