Longrun, if she married you, she was in love. The story about never having been in love is a typical WAS statement. That said, you two need to rekindle the love.
Don't compare yourself to the OM. He's just a "fix" for her, to cover up her real internal issues. The R with the OM will end. Focus on you. How can you be a better H, a better man?
Intriguing that and how firmly you write that. Currently the situation seems to be bleak and hopeless, so this sentence as you wrote it never came to my mind. But hey, you could be right! Even if the OM R won't end in the foreseeable future I thank you for your boldness. Yes, I have to live "as if" - as if she will return the next day.
Quote:
Focus on you. How can you be a better H, a better man?
Two major points: - I didn't show my wife how much she means to me. If we ever start piecing that's one area where I will try to improve a lot. - I frequently was too stingy. A new house, three little kids - I often refused vacation suggestions she made. We achieved our financial goals but my wife had much less fun with the family than she wanted to have.
I've often thought the acting "as if" can mean EITHER acting as if they will return OR acting as if they won't. Still not sure, but I am assuming the latter to help me detach. I would be way to needy and clingy if I thought H was coming back.
I agree that OM is meeting some need she had that she wasn't getting from you. It is hard to hear and hard to accept, but it is true. WHAT need was she missing from you???
It IS hard to "compete" w OM. I know I don't feel as though I have any chance against OW as he currently has her on a pedestal. BUT, I am working on me and trying to be positive and change things I know I needed to change. Try to meet his primary love languages (well, one of them anyway) as much as I can--Words of Affirmation (other was physical & I can't do much about that right now). What are your W's LLs?
It is not helpful to think about OM. He is insignificant. As in 95% of all As (okay, I'm making up the statistic, but it IS high) affairs end. You have to decide (not now) how long you are willing to be "in it" to save your M. I know I won't wait forever, but my M is worth A LOT and so is my family. Only YOU can decide for YOU.
M- 18 T-21 S-14,11 & 10 BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA) H moved out 11-3-2012 10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life. 11-25-13 Jointly filed.
Hey, longrun. Thank you for your support during the past couple of days.
I said the A will end bc that's the way it goes. So choose to think this way.
To me, "Acting as if" means acting as if you'll be successful in saving your marriage. It also means you act as if you're happy and self-assured, and you are making the best out of this situation. So be positive around her. Show your changes--and make sure these changes are sustainable in the long run.
Don't wait till you start piecing to show her what she means to you. You can be kind and helpful now.
Also, you mentioned she didn't like the fact that you didn't finish your education. Have you thought about the possibility of doing this?---FOR YOU? If you're happy with the income you have/could have on your own without the education, then great. But if not, maybe this is the time to plan for future studies.
By focusing on being a better person, you'll actually be helping your M.
LR, my W said the same thing, that she never was in love with me. Yet she married me, and stayed committed for 29 years with few complaints. Of course it doesn't add up, but it their perception for now. There is nothing to be gained by trying to convince them otherwise.
Let her go. Build an exciting and fulfilling life for yourself. Doing this is not only the best way to cope, but it also makes us more attractive.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
I said the A will end bc that's the way it goes. So choose to think this way.
After a year no end in sight, so far. In fact she just spent winter holidays with OM and my/our kids in Scandinavia.
Originally Posted By: tori2012
Also, you mentioned she didn't like the fact that you didn't finish your education. Have you thought about the possibility of doing this?---FOR YOU?
I finished the last exam with an A - soon afterwards it was BD for me, a year ago. I completed my thesis with an A - she announced PA with OM. I started my career and I am already on international missions for a top company - she moved in with OM and my/our kids. Currently I already earn more in a month than OM in a year and the gap will probably widen even more.
But somehow the detaching seems to work. Maybe I am taking it too far, I don't know. I feel numb towards her, just drifting along.
Build an exciting and fulfilling life for yourself.
ForeverYoung, I am currently on a business trip in Brazil. I have a 60-hour work week - but I squeezed in a visit of a carnival event, the parade of the Samba schools. Man, it was overwhelming. I was in the Sambodrome for nine hours. It was music, rhythm, colors all around.
Back from the two-month business trip. Brazil was just the right place to be, the people there are much more relaxed and humorous than in my home country.
In the meantime I have realized much of the suggestions of sgctxok: I have moved back to the city of my family and straddle between there and my workplace 500 miles away. Half the week I am in the office, the other half back at home with the kids. They are extremely happy that we can be together every week now, not only once every three months. The last piece of the puzzle still missing is a job in my city, then I could take the kids all the time. More than ever they emphasize how they would love to move back to the family home and not stay in the flat with WAS and OM.
No sign at all of any fading of the affair. While I was in Brazil detachment was easy. Now that I am back and W/OM are just three miles away it gets harder. I find it tough to project PMA towards W and got baited two or three times by negative statements of her. Sigh.
So: the state of M seems to be hopeless but at least I am enjoying my time with the kids tremendously.
Here's a great post by Accuray on cbtdad's thread, how to deal with a spouse's affair. I want to get back to it every time hope's fading too much.
Quote:
We use "love" to express a wide range of emotions. We love ice cream, we love dogs, we love our kids, we love our spouse. Each of those "loves" is different, right?
When people "fall in love", here's what happens:
Intrusive thinking (you can't stop thinking about the object of your affection)
Uncertainty about the relationship which leads to heartache
Buoyancy, as if walking on air, when there is reciprocation
An acute sensitivity to any acts or thoughts that could be interpreted favorably ("He wore that because he knew I would like it")
A total inability to be interested in more than one person at a time
All other concerns fall into the background
A remarkable ability to emphasize what is truly admirable in the beloved and avoid dwelling on the negative -- even to respond with a compassion for negative qualities and turn them into another positive attribute
Despite all the potential for pain, the feeling that love is supremely delightful and what makes life worth living
This is taken from the book ILYBINILWY and is based on a study by Tennov.
People everywhere experience almost exactly these same feelings, and it is completely intoxicating.
It's a drug. Tennov coined a term for it called "Limerence" and you can Google for that.
When people are in this phase, they are obsessed to the point that not much else matters. They lack the ability to make rational decisions, or to have compassion for those outside of their fixation.
That is why nothing you say is going to matter right now. She's just not able to hear it. There are chemicals at work in her brain that limit her ability to hear you, and that is a scientific reality.
If you shame her, scold her, threaten her, etc., you threaten her wonderful feelings and she will resent you for it. This will make her feel badly and she will seek comfort in OM which will deepen their bond.
The book talks about two more kinds of love, "Loving Attachment" and "Affectionate Regard". Loving Attachment is what you would find in a healthy marriage -- not Limerence, and that's why a long term marriage pales in comparison to "affair love". That said, Loving Attachment is very nice, it means both partners are invested in the marriage.
"Affectionate Regard" is what people also call "unconditional love". You can feel this for anyone, and it need not be reciprocated. It does not bring attachment with it.
What often happens is that the marriage slips from Loving Attachment to Affectionate Regard slowly over time, and one person is eventually tempted by feelings of Limerence.
So what can you do?
In a normal dating scenario, Limerence will last from three to five years. In an affair scenario which is usually much more based in fantasy with less of a real foundation, it will typically last from 6 months up to 3 years.
The only way to shorten that time is for the partners to be totally and completely separated with no further contact. This is recommended in all "affair recovery" prescriptions. Any future contact is likely to trigger limerence to kick in again, however, if it is interrupted in this way.
Of course to cut it off completely one of the partners needs to be motivated to end it, and then both will go through a painful grieving process for several months, during which time they're likely to be meaner to you than ever!
So what do you do?
You need to gut-check: are you willing to wait this out for up to a few years?
If so, you need to focus on avoiding things that will *create resentment*. The harder you make it on her now, the more difficult it will be for her to come back to you later.
If you leave a job and your boss shakes your hand and you leave on good terms, it's pretty easy to consider going back there later. If you leave a job and the boss swears at you, berates you, and threatens you, there's usually no way in hell you're going to consider going back there, you're going to look to find a new job instead.
That's the model. If you want a chance to reconcile later, you need to keep the path home paved and smooth, which is to say that you do not do or say things that will increase resentment. You just let her be, and you do your own thing.
This is brutal, because she is really severely wronging you, and there is no way for you to be heard, to get compassion, or to get the things you feel you're owed at a very fundamental level, but that's just the way it is.
The two of them are in a castle with a big wall around it, and there is no way in until the walls start to crumble, which inevitably will happen on its own time.
I51 XW51 T30 M18 D11/11 S9 2/12 ILYBINILWY 3/12 I left home 4/12 PA 9/12 XW left home and moved in with OM 4/13 I moved back to home 6/14 Big D
Moving back to the family home was an excellent decision. It is an effort - on Monday I fly to work and on Wednesday back, two more home office days on Thursday/Friday. But from Thursday to Sunday I am together with the kids. We always have a great time together.
Now the venting: on the next weekend I won't see the kids. There is a short Pentecost holiday, four days. W will take the kids to her parents with OM, the first time. We had married in that city and in the house of her parents 17 years ago. This weekend will be VERY tough for me.
None of the predictions of a weakening of W's affair with OM have materialized so far. The kids told me W would like to have a child with OM, "fortunately" she is too old for that. They are also planning to build a house. Note: neither of us has filed so far! If it's true that 90% of affairs don't last then it seems that the one of W belongs to the other 10%.
I will continue to work hard for my job, my core 180, and spend as much time together with the kids as possible. I hope that they will gravitate to me gradually as they get older without any custody fight.
People tell me how relaxed and happy I look on photos. True, I have stabilized a lot compared to last year. But I am still in the "fake it 'til you make it" stage. Often sad on the inside but plowing on with my tasks.
I51 XW51 T30 M18 D11/11 S9 2/12 ILYBINILWY 3/12 I left home 4/12 PA 9/12 XW left home and moved in with OM 4/13 I moved back to home 6/14 Big D
