What I'm learning from H stages, disappointment.

[kml]

Oh - and congratulations, Grandma-to-be!!!

[albamarie]

thanks, for your posts! I am a little sad about the sitch and not having my H, I'm so happy he's not home though, that I would except him moving out as a consequence if he does spew.

H not coming home has made my "want" stronger to no longer live with him. I can go forward in life without knowing him, and be happier for it. There wouldn't be much reason to deal w/him face to face, and we already never talk on the phone.

Does anyone know of a thread were the lbs is were I am at, or an archive post similar?

[albamarie]

Journaling;
H came home this morning after not being here yesterday. Apparently, he's been complaining to ea that he's depressed, and looking for some guys house to sleep at so he doesn't have to make the 40 min drive home between gigs.

He then starts to spew about work, goodness his face is just bulging with rage. He tried to go down the list of what he's not, I stopped that quickly and said I don't want to hear it.

He stopped and said he doesn't know what he's doing in life anymore, he's living day by day and can't even handle that. He wants to stop working, but since he can't he wants to die working.

He had a rant at work Tue confirming that he's "crazy minded" and now the guys are asking if he's suicidal. So the office called me and now this job is asking about his behavior worried that he is going to crack in front of a talent one day.

I am amazed at how little progress he has made. He said today that he feels like a 3yr old, OMG are we going to go all the way to conception. Is he going to have to be reborn? Last time he gave me such an exact age he was 18 in College, that was about 3-4 months ago. I guess he's right on schedule reliving his childhood?

It sounds like he struggles with his struggles.

[kml]

He's clinically depressed and needs treatment! Do you think there is anything you can say to get him to see a psychologist? Or do you think his work can demand that he be seen?

[kml]

I meant to say PSYCHIATRIST - he sounds like he needs meds

[albamarie]

KML - He will not go for treatment, oh my God do I wish he would, we could really use some stability right now!

[nero]

hi dawn

wow - a lovoely new baby in your life- they';sr so sweet and cut thru all the crappola - wouln=dnt ebe great if you didn't even tell h (after all - if he's not "participating' in family life- why iis there an obligation outside ofyour decent nature?)

why ;noto leave it in your son's hands to tell or not? i have no idea how he's react- i'm with you thta it's not about him at all and not to even tolerate it 'going there'.

i'd say your son is an adult- going to be a father- perhaps him acting like a grown man will touch something intside your h tht you might not>?

speculation on my part- look at the inner strength youve realized you have-= maybe son will feel he "handled" something scary or touchy and be proud to realize tht he's going to have some too - and wiull need it going forward?>

i'm a real believer in us all being proud of our strengths and accomplishments even if we're sometijmes forced to deal with things we don't want to
'
just a thought. hope you're okay today- i can only imagine your pain to watch this guy and not be able to get him help or get him to want it. sad sad and sad

hang in there- any how you slice it i'm withyou - a new baby is coming and it will beloved . you're making me want more thna ever to get down for a 'BABY FIX" - SOMEhow holding a tiny baby and absorbing the love they give off- makes a body feel better and realize what the correct perspective in life is - more than what we're feeling and seeing necessarily.

i'm outta here- have a good day - or try anyway.

xxo

[albamarie]

I'm a real believer in us all being proud of our strengths and accomplishments even if we're sometimes forced to deal with things we don't want to

That's right! If we can get just get past the idea that life isn't perfect or mapped out to always get better and better without fall back, we can be more prepared for things that happen out of our control.

I am getting ready everyday for the fall out this is sitch sending my way, I know I haven't seen anything yet. There's only a few ways for someone as sick as my H can go and it's not looking hopeful!

Yesterday, H spewed to an empty room and walked over to me and said - let me change my mind about my family and life when I'm ready, on my time.

I didn't say anything! Time will tell...I really hate the idea of being a D grandma, this is exactly why I was so sad in the very first place knowing that future events would suck as a divided family.

I feel like we made it just sooo far and then BOOM! He's going to be 53yrs old next month, I feel like "come on man, get with the program, this is ridiculous already" I am all out of sympathy!

But, I am ready for a new life, new turns, and he doesn't have to come along for the ride!

[nero]

hey hi-

know what i THOUGHT i said, obviously lost some text in there-

i was saying (in best pollyanna fashion) that along with not telling H about baby- the end of the sentence i thought i typed , was something like then present him with this beautiful baby and he'd immediately melt- see the error of his ways, the scales would fall from his eyes and he'd embrace you all and profess his undying love & devotion.

I know it's nutty- sometimes my brain go4s to nutty-land.

i'm sorry for your being a d grandma- but i envy you being a grandma - any which way. sounds great to me- would that i'd had the wisdom at some point to go that way myself.



oh cripes ! do i actually allow things like that to creep into my brain after last ocuple years? apparently i do. total insanity forever.

I feel like we made it just sooo far and then BOOM! He's going to be 53yrs old next month, I feel like "come on man, get with the program, this is ridiculous already" I am all out of sympathy!

i can't tell if i just pasted the above in a last post- or i didn't do it and ran away-

anyway- yeah- me too. it is ridiculous already and i'm tired of it also. honestly- i guess we just keep putting one foot in front of another til SOMETHING big happens - to us, by us, whatever. who will know- i think when whatever happens here- i'll be surprised no matter what- and sad no matter what- and allllll tht unpleasant stuff - no matter what.

well, unless somehow i've become madly in love with someone new that returns the sentiment and i'm tra laing off to a wonderful new life. the odds? i'd say not so good- but thenm, who the heck does know?

good luck with however you play this (advising not-h) it's got to be hard - any way you decide.

so there's a new "turn" popping up in your life by surprise- who knwe??? it's something- it's got some potential for pleasure- i'd say yay (kind of?)

didn't mean to be all pushy before about who tells what to who-

have a good day- h is over taking a drive with mom- first time in a month or so since sick- yikes -

xxoo

[albamarie]

Journaling
Tonight h spoke to my D, he said he's regressing - she said I can tell by the GobStoppers in your car. He said he's young, a few days ago he said 3yrs old, I think it may be a little older do to all the video games. But, maybe he's headed to 3ys old next.

I hate being a witness to this mans journey, I really don't like knowing anything. In this case ignorance is bliss.

I'm going to stick with being myself which is kind to him if he approaches me, and stay the heck away otherwise. He is very (for lack of better word) dumb these days, he can't follow a sentence, a thought, or remember anything he says or is said to him. He gets lost driving, misplaces things, and talks like a frustrated child.

Last night my c said to get the info on the law here about spousal rights if he collapse, and how I would go about taking over the responsibilities. C seems to be afraid h is going to become incapacitate, he says this is going to get worse unless he gets help!

He is spiraling downward and I'm not involved, I am doing more for myself!