I love that song by alicia keys--the lyrics really describe where I am or almost am in this process. Working on it anyway..
Hiya! I’m baa-ack…I haven’t had a thread here for a while, but…I just started seeing a therapist and she recommended Divorce Care and journaling. The only time I’ve ever journaled was here, so here I am...I went to DivorceCare last week. I wish I had taken it 2-3 years ago before and during the divorce. The topic was depression, and basically everything I figured out about dealing with depression, they presented in the class in one hour. So..don’t know if it will help at 2.5 years after the divorce, but if it does then I’ll go.
The reason the C recommended I go is that when I told her about the period when my X asked for the divorce, had an OW, and the day before my brother’s brain surgery for his tumor, I asked X for a hug and he said it wouldn’t be fair to his girlfriend. I teared up when I told her that; it seems like the rock bottom moment in my marriage. Of course I am also someone who tears up during hallmark commercials, and I just teared up when my friend’s fish died that she kept at our office…
I started going to therapy b/c just recently X waited for me in the parking lot again after my daughter’s psych appointment and told me I need therapy and he thinks I have Munchausen’s due to my wanting my D to be on meds for her autism/PDD-NOS (which she has been on for about 9 years). I did NOT go to therapy at his recommendation, but more that I literally become physically ill when I am around him, and would like to get over that if possible.
Life is good. It’s been a break the last 6 months from court. X tried to lower my child support one year after the divorce, and basically the judge said he was not credible and it was frivolous, but I was still stuck paying for a lawyer for over a year. X as a lawyer represented himself, but at least since he did wind up paying half of my L fees, hopefully that will help prevent any more lawsuits.
I am still working at the same job over 3 years later. I like it, and I love the people I work with. My kids are doing awesome, doing well at school, healthy, and happy. So life is pretty good for me right now… Karen
Karen, I can't remember if you want to a therapist or not. I think it helps to have an outside person help work through some of this stuff. I hate that your ex is still such a jerk to you.
Are you still looking for a new job? Does Mike have to keep paying child support for your son sice he has his issues? Or is he done once school is over? I also think because your daughter has been on her meds for so long, you would have that on your side.
Mike is a bully and will push you around as much as possible. The sooner you can get past letting him get to the better.
Big hugs my dear friend. Love ya! Kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
I attend Divorce Care classes and they do help. It's nice to be around people with similar experiences and a class designed around the heart break of divorce. I wish you the best of luck.
You can not change your past, but you can ruin a perfectly good present by worrying about the future.
Thanks Subguy! I've heard good things about the divorce care classes since I've been asking around, so I'm going to give it a try.
Kat, I did go to a therapist for about a year in 2008, and I was pretty much good to go after that. But just find I still need to working on handling X when I have to without getting migraines and stomach aches. I would have thought his anger would have lessened by now, after 6 years, but no...
I don't think I want to stay at my job the next 20 years, so I do eventually want to find something else, but I am happy where I am now most of the time. Child support ends for S19 when he graduates high school in June this year, but I'm hoping X will put some of that into community college this fall which he has his heart set on. I could probably go to court and get the meds in place, but I am so sick of court at this point! The psychiatrist was tired of him wanting her to go off them every appointment, so she wants us to take Jamie off them this summer and then take her to Shands for testing. The last time we tried taking them off her meds 2 or 3 summers ago, she was suicidal so I am not too happy, but I'm hoping this will resolve the situation, and if not I could use that as documentation in court if I wind up having to go so I agreed to it.
I find X mostly insults my parenting, which is the only thing that really does sometimes gets to me. I realize I still feel guilty over 2007 being so depressed and not a good mom that year, which I'm going to work on with the therapist. I do think if I can forgive X, which I have, I should be able to forgive myself too!
I think you are a great Mom. It is obvious how much your kids love you.
Let me get this straight...last time Jamie was off her meds she was suicidal but ex doesn't think she needs them( because he doesn't want to have to pay)??!! Oh what an a$$ he is. He will never win parent of the year awards.
I really wish Mike would stop being so mean and angry towards you. You realize this is what he feels toward himself right? Or even if he turned all of that towards N, that would help you. They say people keep being bullies because they get a reaction out of the person. What if you took a recorder with you and the minute he starts in on you you whip it out and start recording. That might get him to back off if he thought you might use his rants against him.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
I realize he's probably either angry at himself or guilty or something. I think he just insults my parenting b/c he does know I'm bothered by that, the only insult he can throw at me that still bugs me.
I love the recorder idea, but recording someone without their consent is a felony in this state, so could be problematic... I also wanted to discuss with the therapist Wed (my 2nd time)ideas on how to respond. I usually say "this is not appropriate" or you need to email me or whatever and leave as soon as possible, and obviously that's not working too good.
Well you could always say, "Oh wait while I record that!". Then he would know that you would be willing to record him and possibly transcribe his rants. I think really it is a question of standing up to him.
I know you will figure a way around him.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
I went to C again this week. She thinks from my descriptions of X, that he may have some of the autism spectrum the kids have. And the anger is his way of dealing with the divorce; I had depression; he has anger/projection. But the main thing I think I took from this session is that I can’t just problem-solve the situation. He’s going to be out of control and angry for however long, maybe forever, and there is no perfect action or word that I can use to change the situation. Other than keeping myself safe and detaching. Everything else in my life is good or better than good…so it is what it is. I plan to go to another Divorce Care meeting this week.
I was super busy being “good mom” yesterday; J did a fun pottery class with her church group and then I dropped the kids off with X and worked some overtime. Today on the list is some relaxation and chilling out—and catching up on the amazing amount of laundry my kids generate. Hope everyone is having a great weekend!
