EXPERIMENTING with physical touch with W

[SM34]

I am aware that thus needs to stop at some point. I gave read sandy's thread and her advice to people in my situation, as well as more hardline approaches from Dr. harvey in marriagebuilders. All of this advice points to the fact that the WAS will not begin to look back until they suffer a loss in their lives, as we know that LBS don't change until we suffer a loss also. It makes perfect sense.

I understand completely why everyone is getting on me. I understand the concept if self respect. It's not easy living the situation I am in. But I have my eye in the prize. This POS OM will NOT take away my wife!

So what I am trying to say is that I need to get into a position where my changes are obvious, enough time has past for W to see some if the effects of her decision, and then I need to act in a way that gains me respect and dignity.

All I am doing us trying to get the timing right so that the hardline boundaries I set cause her to feel the loads and reconsider, and not cause her to run to OM and into his arms.

But I understand complete everyone's concerns that i'm not standing up for myself. That part is easy, but will most likely not lead to the result I aNy. As is obvious from the countless people in this forum who stood up for themselves but are now divorced..

There will be plenty of time after R to show my wife how hurt I was, and how much pride I had to swallow for her. Hopefully at that point it will get me more respect because I fought hard for my marriage.

Speaking if gifting hard, my wife said many weeks ago that,'you didn't even fight for our marriage.' Anyone know what she meant or what she thinks fighting for it is? Did she want a fist fight with OM? Any ideas from the ladies? Many people said that was script and to ignore it

[MrBond]

" But I have my eye in the prize. This POS OM will NOT take away my wife!"

See, this is what it comes down to. You don't want the OM to win. I understand that. HOWEVER, you'll find that if you don't change things she is going to find another and another. Right now you're so wrapped up in your W and schemes that you spend all the time talking about it rather than your GAL.

"So what I am trying to say is that I need to get into a position where my changes are obvious, enough time has past for W to see some if the effects of her decision,"

No. You don't wait. You do that now.

"and then I need to act in a way that gains me respect and dignity."

No. You start doing that now.

"All I am doing us trying to get the timing right so that the hardline boundaries I set cause her to feel the loads and reconsider, and not cause her to run to OM and into his arms."

You're manipulative and controlling.

"But I understand complete everyone's concerns that i'm not standing up for myself."

Nobody said anything about that. We're saying you shouldn't be happy with the little breadcrumbs that your W tosses your way.

"That part is easy,"

No it's not.

"but will most likely not lead to the result I aNy. As is obvious from the countless people in this forum who stood up for themselves but are now divorced."

That's a low blow. You haven't stayed here long enough to understand people's situations. You only pick and choose situations that you think will get your ahead. You've never read deeply into others' reasons, so it's arrogant for you to act otherwise.

Stop being an @$$hole.

"There will be plenty of time after R to show my wife how hurt I was, and how much pride I had to swallow for her."

Oh poor baby. I can see how you're still thinking only about yourself. You haven't even addressed your W's issues and I'm not talking about the intimacy part.

" Hopefully at that point it will get me more respect because I fought hard for my marriage."

That won't get you respect from your W. It will from others but not her.

"Speaking if gifting hard, my wife said many weeks ago that,'you didn't even fight for our marriage.' Anyone know what she meant or what she thinks fighting for it is? "

They all say that. My W did and countless others. What you continue to fail to understand is that she doesn't want to take responsibility and will blame you for everything. HOWEVER! You have to understand that some of what she says is true.

She wants a man not a child. And right now it always seems like this is a game to you. A game that you have to win. There's no growth in that.

[leopoldstotch]

Wow so many questions. On her cake eating SM its bad real bad. I can't believe the audacity of your W at this point. I know you've been told over and over but when will you put a stop to this madness SM? The cake eating needs to stop now its not attractive you letting her walk all over you.

So IF and it's a big if at this point you R you plan on showing her how hurt you were and how much PRIDE you had to swallow for her? WTF SM way to play a martyr there. How do think that would help your M?

I'm in agreement with Mr Bond,this is like a game to you. When are you going to stop looking for tactics and easy ways to restore your M? Everyday you do this you lose ground and its time you lose the scorecard it will kill any chance of a R. You have a lot of work to do on you SM and its time you get started you're 2.5 months behind.

[adinva]

Ask her, if you want to know what she meant. Our mind-reading of her is even less useful than your mind-reading of her.

[GH31]

my wife said many weeks ago that,'you didn't even fight for our marriage.' Anyone know what she meant or what she thinks fighting for it is?

Fog gibberish/script/spew.

Many people said that was script and to ignore it

Yep.

I had sex with a couple of other women whilst my W was shacked up with OM. I told W about this and she said OM was shocked when I told him you had slept with other women. I said I'm touched that you all give a ****.

Complete fog gibberish.

You will hear more of it and it's all normal ... for people active in affairs.

GH31

[SM34]

GH31 welcome back! Been a long time man.

I need some suggestions for reading material to develop my self. Suggestions ?

I missed my appointment with laurie today...dammit. I was 15 mins late calling her and I guess she was busy. Rescheduled for 3 days from now. I was anxious to find out what i'm doing!

Very confused as to how to treat wife. No doubt everyone will say I need yo focus on me. I am focusing on me, but how I act towards my wayward wife during this phase (often called plan A) is critical. And I need pointers.

Some of sandi's db rules seemed to not work in bringing my wife closer. With more affecting and a little touch and I feel she is warning. This is why I needed to talk to laurie to clarify.

Went to the show saturday night with W. Had a great time. Then went home and talked about how we missed D3 who was spending the night at MIL.

Made my W laugh, had a good time, like the good old days.

[leopoldstotch]

Very confused as to how to treat wife. No doubt everyone will say I need yo focus on me. I am focusing on me, but how I act towards my wayward wife during this phase (often called plan A) is critical. And I need pointers.

Some of sandi's db rules seemed to not work in bringing my wife closer. With more affecting and a little touch and I feel she is warning. This is why I needed to talk to laurie to clarify.

You should be treating her like a roommate or co-worker because right now she isn't acting like a wife. How fast do expect to see results if any? Part of your problem is expect things to change right now and it isn't going to happen. You have zero patience and it's going to be your downfall.

[MrBond]

You went out on a date with her and you're asking how you should act? Just keep doing more of the things that get a positive reaction out of her. There is no quick fix.

[SM34]

Leo, I understand completely now how you veterans come down hard on us noobs because that lights a fire under our butts =). I know you want to help me and I appreciate that more than I let up. But, I am a very patient person. Extremely patient. I can ride this out a long time.....maybe too long if you know what mean.

I just have a lot of confusion as to how to act towards wife. It's mainly because of the mixed opinions I get. Some support being very tough while some have said this period before separation should be almost the best time of her life.

Please give me some examples of hypothetical situations and what you would say in response. I have tried to look for hypothetical dialogues on here but all I can find is when a vet is advising a noob on a specific question. Any ideas?

[SM34]

Leo, mr bond, 25, adinva, GH31, tallula, anotherstander. Need your input.

What do you do with a waw for valentines? I have no doubt now that my a is not done with me. But I have to wait out this affair and work on myself and become the most awesome husband ever. She won't be able to resist =)

The other day i said in my most excited voice ever 'hey, guess what's next week?'. My wife said in an equally excited voice 'valentines day!..' What massenet think that was what I was thinking because honestly it wasn't answered 'well, I guess that too, but I was referring to the state fair coming to town'.

She is at OM for two nights rift now. We are down to just two nights a week there, and 5 nights at home. She messages me constantly while she is gone, supposedly about D3 but there is a lot of have you eaten, there is dinner I made for you in the fridge, did u sleep well, how was work etc...

And, she is coming back thursday morning so she will be bmw for valentines day. So what do I do? Should I take her out again? She had a great time last saturday with me. Or do I cook dinner? Or do I do nothing.

Do I get a card? A gift? Or just something from D3 for mommy?