Bring It On 2013

[BeingMe]

Commence Venting:

I find it funny that my H found a non-traveling job in a city near home, when he was faced with a project on a remote island in the Arctic Circle. But, when I was going through my cancer therapy, it seemed home was the last place he wanted to be. He was traveling even more than usual. No attempt to find a job closer to home. He'd be away for 4-6 weeks at a time, all over the world, in remote places. I guess, to get away from emotionally supporting me. I had to rely on my children for that, and they came through with flying colors.

I need to think on these things, and not back down from my intended road ahead ... getting a divorce, graduating from university, and finding a place where I fit in and can make single friends.

I was looking at him covertly yesterday, and wondering if he's someone I would be interested in if I had just seen him for the first time (I've seen his profile on one of those dating sites ... his description of himself is so opposite, that it's hilarious, for example, he usually hates dancing, but on his profile he says he loves clubs/dancing). Just going on looks, I don't think I would be remotely interested ... he's bald (not a bad thing per se, but he deliberately shaves his head, and he's got a goatee, which I loath, and more loathsome ... he dyes it), he's got a paunch (even though he's pretty fit), he dresses funny (I've never liked the way he dressed, so I used to buy his clothes when we were younger, but now he wears stupid golf shirts all the time, and he doesn't play golf, and he refuses to wear jeans that fit him ... he thinks he's still a 34" waist), he's changed his deoderant in the last few years, and doesn't smell like the man I fell in love with. In short, he's not him anymore. And before me, I see a stranger, that just sounds like my H and happens to be the father of my children. ML would be impossible for me ... he's such a turn-off. I'm sure he gets that vibe from me now, and I don't care. I used to miss him terribly when he was away, and worry about him when in foreign countries, but I barely think about him now in his absence. Got better things to keep me occupied.

While he was on his lengthy travels, the kids and I would go to a pub nearby. It's a quaint British pub where one can play cards and chat. We would have dinner and drinks, and catch up with the week's goings on. Friends would sometimes join us, knowing that we would be there at a certain time. It has become a tradition in the last 3 years. Now, he's home every weekend and thinks this is his tradition too. It irks me, but I allow it for the sake of our children. I have no idea how to tell him, I don't want him there. If he ever brings another woman to this place to share my and my children's tradition, I would have to find another place, or tell him he's no longer welcome if he brings OW. But I think he's wise enough that he won't. I have told him, I don't want to meet any girlfriends. I don't care if we're divorced. I won't introduce him to any boyfriend I may have. Doing so would show up our failure to work on our marriage and keep our family together.

Vent concluded.

[job]

BeingMe,
I hear you and understand what you are saying about him getting a job closer to home now. I think these mlcers are so emotionally stunted that they don't know how to have empathy and compassion for people, especially their spouses or family members when they are ill or going through medical procedures. I had a similiar behavior from my xh. Now, he's jumping to the call of his wife (twinkle twat) and taking her for her chemo and running out for her prescriptions and doing everything for her. I never saw any of that type of behavior in the 25 years he was w/me, in fact he ran the other way as fast as he could. I don't get it, but I'm glad he's being supportive ot her in her time of need.

I also understand where you are coming from about the pub. Maybe he's trying to see what you and your family like about the place and he's trying to "fit in". He doesn't realize that he's not the same person any longer and the dynamics of the relationship have changed drastically. I'm right there w/you...if he brought ow there, I think I would have to say something too...

Hang in there...you've got a lot going on this year and hopefully you'll have your own place very soon.

[BeingMe]

Just thinking ...

Maybe my H isn't in MLC, but just doesn't love me anymore. He acts pretty normal, except for those odd things I've noted. He's friendly to me, seems to want to hang out with me, etc. Yet, he still wants to be S or D. I don't know if there's OW. I won't sneak to find out. He's admitted to going on dates. Perhaps, the grass is greener on the other side, for him and for me. Or, maybe just different. There's no going back now. It's all been said, and done, on my side. I dreamed about it last night. So I had to let it all out here.

I dunno .... it's all confusing, and I am keen to get it over. I cannot see myself taking a chance on another man. That's what we do. We put our trust, even our very lives, into the hands of these men, only to have it hit us back in the faces. There are other things I can be doing with my life, instead of wasting it on someone who just doesn't care.

Mein Gott, it's so discouraging when he starts yawning when I discuss my stories. Sometimes, I forget myself and start yammering on about university, then I get the blank look. Yet, my D20 does most of the same things as me (thank goodness, she's someone I can talk to about these things) and he acts all interested. How does he stop himself from yawning then? I got such a fantastic feedback from stage play prof. and I was almost beside myself waiting for D20 to get up so I could show her. She was so proud of me.

Okay, thinking over ... back to writing

[BeingMe]

Journaling ...

My brother-in-law (H's younger brother) got engaged last night. They live in FL. His WAW left him, and filed for D, and they've been divorced for quite some time. He met his new fiancee about 2 years ago, after about a year post-D. He did it the right way (although, he is one of those who said he would never get married again, then POW, he meets his fiancee). You just shouldn't say never. I wonder if H is going to push for a divorce now, so he can find his own new fiancee. His bro' looks very happy, and I'm so glad for him.

As for H ... he has started his new job ... this past Monday. Will be home tomorrow afternoon.

[BeingMe]

Here's something I wrote on Rachael's post. I thought it would be a good idea to put it here for the sake of journalling.

Re married name ... I'm not going to change back to my maiden name, but I will use it as a non du plume (sp?) if my books ever get published. Every identity, including my diploma, immigration card, and degree that I'll be getting next year has my married name. Fortunately, H and I are friendly, so I'm not angry anymore (which might've given me reason to change my name).

As far as I'm concerned, he is free to do whatever he wants. He always was, but he chose to cheat, so there ya go. I chose to hope and try things to see if there would be change, for 7 years, and now I choose to divorce him.

What's changed for me is that when I laugh, it feels real. I feel at peace, and relaxed when H is away, and tense when he's around. I've stopped going out with him, to keep him company.

I will definitely encourage my children to have a good R with their father.

[Rachael55]

Hey bein me
You sound similar to me in that my h isn't interested in me and would look around the room when I was talking. You're a better woman than me . I snooped and each time he was a cheatin on me. He doesn't think it's cheating cuz "they're just friends" lies lies lies. People talk about another man and I'm not divorced! Yuk! ( no offense to the good ones out there) There's nothing wrong with you it's him. By the way, I told my oldest son 32 about his step dad my current h and he was shocked. Told me his dad my first h had regrets about what he did to me (affair too). Yours and mine will too some day I hope.

[BeingMe]

Hi Rachael,
Oh, I snooped before, a long time ago. I've been dealing with this for more than 7 years (that I know of ... who knows, maybe he's been cheating on me throughout our M). But, I stopped a long time ago. I'm at the point of not caring if my H ever has regrets. He's made his choice, and there's no going back on it now. I'm quite sure he's dating where he is, but I don't care ... he doesn't see it as cheating because we're so-called separated. He bores me, anyway. He seldom engages me in conversation except about work. And, quite frankly I don't see that as my wifely duty anymore ... listening to his cr@p, that is. I've stopped even trying to talk to him.

Thanks for stopping by.

[Rachael55]

Best of everything to you! I am so grateful to the people here. Hope Ill have wisdom to impart in the future.

[BeingMe]

Thanks, Rachael, you too. I wouldn't have been sane if it weren't for the people on this site.

[Phoenix_spark]

Sounds like a good plan. Thought I would stop by and check on my old friends.