there are some friends I've dropped because the R wasn't healthy, or it was all me giving and them taking. Others I've just pulled back from a bit. I have been selective.
Friendships have been an interesting experience for me.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
adinva, you sound so tired in your post and so so busy. i hope you find a way to recharge skiing and i hope that you are able to make some time and space in your life to take care of you. i know a psychologist who specializes in treating adolescents and his initial advice is always making sure that the parents are taking care of themselves. hope you have a fun weekend!
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
I know I am tired and need to find a way to recharge. Sometimes just whining about how much I'm doing is enough, sometimes it isn't enough.
Sometimes it's choices I make that I could say no to, but I've shaved a lot of those things from my life...after the bomb when I finally learned why my H wasn't happy and proud of all I was accomplishing, I gave up being a scout leader, PTO volunteer, animal shelter volunteer, and more that I ruthlessly cut in order to refocus and correct my priorities and stop giving away so much of myself. It's down to what I consider minimal. BUT, life just welled up and engulfed me, with old age and illness and hospitals and special events and divorce preparation and on top of it all the need to intentionally be OK. It's still not second nature or easy to keep my confidence and motivation and my sense that it will all be ok-better-than-ok, sometimes it still gets me down and hits my confidence that I'm being left by my husband and financially going to take a hit and my future's uncertain.
Sometimes I've got to just recognize it's more than I can handle, and - handle it anyway. That's where I am now.
Reducing the in-law effort is one place I can cut, now that we're past the birthday craziness.
Just a little more journaling for Valentine's Day...
S15 took $40 out of some change he owed me (all I had was a $100 bill...) and told me his grandma had told him she gave that much to his dad to give him for his birthday, and so he was going to keep it from the change for now. I thought that was reasonable (I didn't say it, but it could be a good long while before he sees it from H). I let MIL and H know via email that S15 had his money now and I'd collect it from H whenever.
So H emailed me back that he's coming over today to give it to S15. I don't really want to see H on Valentine's Day and collect S's belated birthday money from him. I think I will take a page out of S15's playbook and be "absent."
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
I have the same busy problem. I've cut back alot too. It's nice to just take time for myself once in awhile. Good for you! Hope skiing is awesome.
Ugh, seeing H on Vday. I'm making myself a romantic steak dinner for 3
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
Well I did not succeed in being absent. H came over with a prescription he had that I need to fill for S12, and the $40 his mom gave S15, and a can of Arnold Palmer and a Chunky bar for each of the boys, plus a York Peppermint Patty for me. And a card that he actually wrote Dad in.
This, for him, is above and beyond, and I appreciated it. Usually he'll get a card but not write on it so it can be reused.
I gave him a bowl of beef stew and offered half the Peppermint Patty.
S15 was more successful than me, and was out for dinner, only to return after H left.
We had a mostly cordial conversation. However, I did get a little tense when he asked me if I did anything about the drugs he found while I was in Florida. I said I talked to S over the phone that week but I thought he had handled it. He said he didn't because I told him not to do anything, not to overreact and to say nothing. I most certainly did not. I said for him to stop texting me with the stuff because he was there and I was far away and very stressed. He needed to be the parent for the week. I was really clear, and he read a whole bunch of stuff in that I did not say or intend. I asked him to reread what I did write. Now that he's gone I don't think there's really much point to that. It doesn't matter that I'm right or he's right, but I really don't like it that he puts words in my mouth and then acts like I'm completely unreasonable.
He also got all over the dog with passionate kisses. Those dogs have gotten more lovin around here the past two years...
Anyway, it was a pretty good day and it's over, and my tummy's full of sugar.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Maybe someday you'll be able to share with your H exactly how you feel and in a way that he doesn't misinterpret or overreact. By the way, when you figure out the magic formula, can you send some my way?
Happy Valentines day, AD!
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
It doesn't matter that I'm right or he's right, but I really don't like it that he puts words in my mouth and then acts like I'm completely unreasonable.
I hear you there, believe me I do!
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Yeah Acc I knew you would Two, I'm going to come back on here with my million dollar formula as soon as I have it perfected.
I left out something and woke up feeling like I should come clean.
I really lost my SH%T yesterday before H came over. I am really struggling. I had this thing that had to be done that day and no reason why it couldnt except that the program was acting up and the internet at home wasn't helping, and it turned into a 2 hour exercise in futility where I was getting madder and madder and S12 needed shirts so bad and we wouldn't be able to shop again until next Tuesday and I had scouts at 7:30 which I could blow off except I promised a trip leader I'd be there with checks and my window was closing and I couldn't get the stupid constantcontact to stick with the updates I had put in umpteen times and I just plain lost my SH%T. S15 came down and said what you need is a dog and he plopped 50-pound younger dog on the table with muddy paws and he walked on S12's homework so S12 flipped out and washed his homework in the sink and ruined it more completely. I was yelling at the universe just to let off steam and I wasn't actually mean to them but they're not used to me even losing my patience. I had a chat with S12 all the way to the store because he was piling on and I wasn't able to tolerate it, and he was frustrated with me, but we muscled through it and got him 5 t-shirts that fit. When we headed home I learned the scout meeting was 6:30 and not 7:30 so I had missed it and now had my hour back, and when we got home we were calm and happy again. That's where H came in.
But I feel ashamed for losing it so badly and wish that just venting and complaining would get me past this bad patch.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Like others here it appears to me you are taking on way too much. It's exhausting just reading about it. I get it though, I do. Routine and keeping busy help. Fulfilling obligations makes us feel useful and good. The kids are being let down in some ways, so maybe we can make it up to them in others, etc. etc.
All that said, it may be worthwhile to inventory everything you have going on and prioritize it. Some things must continue, some things you could decide to participate when convenient only, and some things you can probably drop.
You may be assuming that the kids like their activities more than they actually do in some cases, or there may be a substitute activity available that requires less time from you, etc.
I realize that this process of review is yet another task to add to the pile, but come on, you're buried! You need more time for you. If that means there are fewer activities for S15 & S12, maybe that's okay, right? For my kids, they do 2 programs at a time. You want to take swim lessons? What are you going to give up? Oldest one does horseback riding and drama, middle one does drama and lacrosse, youngest one does swimming and dance. When it comes to sports, playing on two teams in the same sport counts as two activities. I'm not saying this is the right program for you, I'm just saying I went through this process too where I felt I was living to drive the kids to this and that, get them equipment, supplies, etc. and it became too consuming.
At the same time you consider decreasing their activities, you may want to increase their responsibilities. Have them start doing laundry, dishes, cleaning, feeding the dogs, walking the dogs, etc. Turn that knob up. I'm sure they have chores now, but give them more. When H moved out you went from a 4 person team to a 3 person team, and that extra work needs to be distributed. Maybe you've done this already, but you're in single mother mode with 2 able-bodied boys, put them to work!
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Hey Ad- I was going to recommend the same thing Acc did but we both know he can state it better
I really think prioritization is key here. I get the same overwhelming feelings from time to time for trying to do everything and its just not possible always.
I know you are ultra talented, competent, confident, etc.. but we are basically single parents now so try not to beat yourself up or feel ashamed for not accomplishing everything you wish to.
Even people in a coopertating dual-parent household would have trouble accomplishing everything you are trying to.
