Compliments & Passive Aggressiveness..Work to do!

[SM34]

25 I don't really think it is her fault of course it is not.

I will take your advice and also MrBond. To just do it. No more thinking of the words before I say it. I only did that because she never believed me. As time went by I think I did plan more and more as less and less cmplimenrs were 'getting through'

Tomorrow when I spend the day with her and D3. I will just soak up the moment. And when I feel something deserves a component I will just day it in whatever words that come out.

[25yearsmlc]

did you give any thought to Adinva's post? The more I think about it, the more I think it explains a lot.

Don't be offended. I have a younger brother with Asperger's syndrome (NOT saying you have it, but there are some overlapping behaviors). He is married and has a child. He fiinished college and has a good job. There are ways it can work but he has to get A LOT of feedback & often some "instructions" from his sisters/siblings (and wife, who sees the best in him).

His wife once said to me, "H is my choice. He doesn't lie and he's always trying to learn how to be a good man." She gets him. We get him.

He knows a lot about geography and politics/current events and theology and can tell you the capital of ANY country. But he cannot tell a joke well, (though he picks up on other jokes and laughs) and he does not pick up on social cues without us translating for him. He sometimes would ask what the appropriate emotional response was in a given circumstance. This included my wedding and our father's funeral. I sometimes wonder how he got married...


The point is, you need some tools. Yes Laurie can help w/DBing for sure, but we're talking beyond the marriage thing.

In your work, how much do you interact? How many life long friends do you have? (PLEASE take this the right way, okay? I love my brother and we mean well here.) But Ad's points are valid.

You said you are from another culture but I don't know which one or if it's one that has NO facial clues...I can't think of one that has zero...so my guess is even if it's partly cultural, that would not mean you don't need tools. It would mean that you need them even more. Make sense?

[BklynMom]

I used to be a person who couldnt take a compliement but I did like it when someone noticed what I had done but not thanked me for it. Like OMG the house is so clean or D3 is so cute. Almost like a higher power magically did those things but it was really her

[SM34]

Adinva, suckerpunch, and 25, thank you SO much for the insight. Before we move onto Adinva and 25's posts, let me first say SuckerPunch than you for all that detail! I was actually referencing your thread when I wrote a response to MrBond about what I was trying to learn in terms of compliments.

SuckerPunch I think you are doing a great job man! I always find similarities between us, and sometimes it seems our journeys run parallel.

Adinva, and 25 you bring up very interesting points. Please know that you cannot offend me, because i know very well that you are only trying to help! And you are doing a great job with it too. i think I am vastly different to that guy who's world exploded in November.

I see what you mean about wanting to have instruction. Having thought about this for most of the day now, I think I was actually much more confident in myself before the BD. Since then I think I may just have my pants on too tight

I don't think anyone has ever said I was socially awkward. Even my W who is a social butterfly and has hundreds of friends has not ever said that before. When we go to parties or wedding etc... I tend to gravitate towards men who are also techie, nerdy, science type people like me.

During these social interactions, I think I am a little shy and reserved, but not awkward. I can read facial expressions quite well, and I can actually be quite funny!

I used to be the prankster comedian guy in high school. 25 you were saying what culture I am from? My parents are Middle Eastern (we are from the Christian minority in Egypt). However, I grew up in Dubai and went to a small private British high school with the kids of all the British oil engineers and Embassy staff etc.. that live over there.

My wife and I watched a documentary about aspergers on TV one day. We both started looking at each other as if to say, hey is that me? Then we both laughed about it, and my W said no, thats not you babe. Those folks are very awkward and she didn't think I fit that.

But, I remember grabbing the laptop right then and there and taking an online test. It came out negative. It is a spectrum though, so I may not be IN the spectrum but I might be just outside it.

The thing is I was much different when i was in high school. I was very social, and was very popular, was invited to all the parties etc.. and went around with the in crowd.

When I moved here to go to college at 17, on my own in a foreign culture, I started to be a little more reserved and shy. People didn't get my British humor, and really I didn't understand their American humor either. What used to be how i broke the ice, became useless

I think I can see where you both (Adinva and 25) may get the sense that I might be somewhat awkward because i ask too much of the how to's etc.. But i would attribute that more to having a scientific and analytical mind. I was always the science analytical guy, and my W the social arty one. She is a graphic designer (school) so we compliment each other in terms of the way we are. But then we share A LOT of common interests which is nice too.

Honestly I truely believe I have gotten my panties in a knot as they say. I never used to be like this!

Laurie advised that I stay off the boards, or at least read only but not write posts for a while. I think she could sense this, and wanted me to focus on what she wanted me to do, and focus on just being myself.

My fell in love with me once upon a time right? She was with me for 9 years before we got married, so it wasn't like she didn't know who I was. I mean she must love the way I am, so I can't be all that bad. I really just used to pay much more attention to her for the first 10 or 11 years of our relationship but since D3 was born and things got tight at work, we both started to get really stressed out.

Like I said before, our release was vacations and travel which is sometime we both LOVE. We haven't done that in way too long. In fact, we had a plan to get away from everything in October for our wedding anniversary but then we couldn't go all out like we wanted. We decided not to do a mini vacation and instead hold off until we could do something big. Kicking myself for that now!!

We always connect deeply on vacations, just the two of us, alone. We are the type that stay in a fancy hotel and snuggle and watch TV and order room service, and choose the most gourmet stuff they have, and order way too much food for two people. But thats how we kept it going, and kept ourselves in love. Anyway, there is no sense in coulda woulda shoula talk now.

Whats important is the road ahead. Trying to stay positive.

There are positive signs in my W's 'choices' as Laurie says. She seems to choose time with my much more than before. Like this morning she made a point to see she will be gone for the night, but will be back IN THE MORNING to spend Sunday with "us".

You probably read my earlier post about the possible strains on the R with OM, and how he doesn't seem to trust her. But she doesn't really show any other signs of having changed her mind or even being not sure or anything like that. Thats normal right?

This is a marathon SM, not a sprint. Pace yourself. Keep working at bettering yourself.

[SM34]

I think a vacation and celebrating our anniversary in ovtober would have filled up her love tank at least enough to have deflected this douche bags (pardon my french) advances. All he said was "Love to the miss in blue". That was all it took? Dammit Mrs SM. You are stronger than that!

[SM34]

Oh 25, sorry I didn't answer your direct questions.

In my work, I used to interact with literaly a hundred or so people a day because I worked sales in my own retail store for 8 years.

The last four years the company has gotten big enough and I have enough employees to be that dude that sits in a big chair at a big desk.

Interesting you should ask that though. Since BD I have been working the "front" of the business much more than before. I'm using that as a way to build some confidence, and rejuvenate my social abilities. Plus i get hit on regularly so thats not a bad thing either! Women don't care that you are wearing a wedding ring it seems. Quite pathetic the disregard some people have for the marriage institution.

Speaking of being hit on, something interesting happened last week. I messaged wife on the way home from work to tell her I was going to pick up food from a local restaurant we both like.

Whenever I do that, i go sit at the bar and have a martini while I wait for the food to come. W knows there is this hot bartender (maybe 10 years younger than me..feel so old) that ALWAYS remembers that i drink my Martini with vodka and with blue cheese stuffed olives even though I only go there MAYBE once every 2 or 3 months.

So i walk in to the crowded bar, and the girl sees me and comes over to chat. She remember my drink and was already grabbing a glass. Then W messages me and asks me if that girl is there and if she remembered me. So I said yes actually, she is here, and yes she remembers me. So W says "Thats because she thinks your hot. You should leave her your business card".

I was a little upset honestly. My W is trying to have me date this chick? But I think my W knows me too well, and knows I wasn't going to do that. I wonder if I should have now, not to see her or to go on a date, but just to have her call me or something to scare the bejesus out of my wife!

So I walk in to the crowded

[Tallula]

Um, no! It's part of what many spouses in affairs do. They suggest you date because they feel If you date, they have less guilt.

Don't play those kinds of games!

[adinva]

OMG SM. Thinking all these women are hitting on you also sounds to me like misreading cues. I thought that way back when you thought the massage therapist was propositioning you. The Starbucks guy knows my drink order too, it's called being good at his job. Your W's comment was inappropriate and you might want to say so; especially given the circumstances it's not even cute.

And thinking you know what W thinks you think is mindreading cubed.

I read your FB snooping notes but didn't want to give them any attention. Snooping is unattractive, looks weak, and distracts you from what you should be doing. I didn't happen to agree with your interpretation of it, and I really didn't agree with your thoughts about all affairs. I believe even Laurie would recommend that you not snoop like that, not try to interpret parts of conversations you weren't privy to, and focus on being a man only a fool would leave.

[Tallula]

^^^^this! I waited tables all through college. Knowing drink orders & flirting is the name of the game.

I have started telling my H when he says inappropriate thIngs now. That was definately not appropriate.

I was ignoring the FB stuff to, but you have to stop the snooping. I mean, you know she's in an A, why do you keep looking? It's just continuing your obsession with your W's actions, and keeping you focused on her & OM instead of you. DR says NO snooping!!! I was guilty of this myself. But I stopped. You have to!!

[25yearsmlc]

what they said^^^..

the fb stuff?

You are missing the MAIN point of DBing if you think staring at parts of private conversations is a good idea. it's like you can't see the forest for the trees, but stop the snooping.