Compliments & Passive Aggressiveness..Work to do!

[SM34]

Adinva and 25. The thing is I had stopped snooping a long time ago. I feel the A. She is in will not last and then at that point I feel there is hope.

What started me on the snooping again was when several people on the board suggested that once this A is over there would OM2 possibilities.

So sometimes I feel like I need to see if she is talking to anyone else.

I need to stop it. Focus on what needs to be worked on.

So last night W is at OM and again she is carrying a conversation with me via text. Several times throughout the evening she was starting convos with me.

Unfortuntaly I couldn't go out last night because Im not feeling well

As far as the comment from W about me dating, how would I tell her it isn't appropriate? Wouldn't that seem like I am not moving on with my life? I just left it alone when she said that.

[SM34]

Gabbysmom. I thought so too! Initially if I answered it was very brief and a little cold, and that treatment was only while she was there. And actually she really NEVER messaged me from his house in the first maybe two months unless it was about D3.

When Laurie suggested I start to use light touch in our first call, I started doing that. Since then, W messages me from there about me not D3 much more. And she wants to engage me in intellectual chat while OM is playing his online games all night (she told me this. Not mind reading)

So in our second session, I asked Laurie that I wasn't sure if I should be meeting her emotional needs whiles she is with OM. Laurie said to think about the effect on her mentally when she is sitting with OM who is too busy on his video game which she doesn't enjoy and then you are engaging her in what she does.enjoy. W messaged kept initiating messages during presidents state of the union address because OM is not political so I engaged her back. Laurie thought that was a great call on my behalf because again it will make her wonder what exactly she is doing with this guy.

I guess its another example of counter intuitive DB. Rules. We all feel we shouldn't do it but the caloaches have a different opinion.

Laurie said not to initiate but if she initiates then engage. Also match her tone. Friendly meets friendly, indifferent gets indifferent.

[adinva]

You did not stop snooping and four paragraphs of explanation doesnt change the fact. You really should just stop doing it. And stop kidding yourself with your lengthy explanations.

[adinva]

Also, what is Laurie's take on the fact that w gets sex w om, gets the boring parts where he's playing video games filled in by chatting with you via text, and has all the comforts of her home, and your full support? Your waiting for her to make a choice, but what choice does she need to make?

[SM34]

I need to have another phone session with laurie to straighten out these questions. But she said to keep doing what I ak doing and see if we cqn bring W closer before we t ry a different approach.

Im not sure what the different approach is becuase she told me to just focus on this one and we will talk about the other when the time is right.

I wouod assume the approach is similar as I have seen on a lot of mens threads. The show their W that they are capable of meeting the needs the W needs. THEN there needs to be a different approach at some point to make the spouse decide I guess.

At this moment in time laurie feels it is too early since it hasnt even been three months yet. If she is showinf a huge interest in the OM then an ultimatum type situation (not the verbal one we dont like, but just putting her a position where she has to decide) will push her to him. I think she is waiting ti see more signs that W is second guessing herself or coming closer before anything is changed so that it doesnt backfire.

Again I really think the magic timeframe seems to be 6 months. Whenever I read someones sitch it seems the wayward is not ready and will not make the 'correct' decision before that time.

Adinva I will STOP snooping now. It really does sometimes think less of my wife. If we reconcile, I dont want memories of what she said to OM or ti anyone else about our M to be stuck in my head. It will be enough to deal with this wreckage without all that baggage!

[SM34]

Gabbysmom no actually it is EXACT what she meant. It was literally half our session. I told her about the state of the union incident and she said that was great. Do more of that. If she is wanting to engage you then take the chance. It was not open for interpretation, those were literally the words she said. Meet friendly messages with friendly replies, smiley faces and lols with the same. But be the one in control of th xchange and you choose when to end it. Which I do.

Also laurie said specifically to listen to her about strategy of bringing my W closer and not the forum. She said Iif you cant do that and focus on what I telling you to do then dont go on the forums at all.

I dont think it has changed as you say. I think situations are different. Depends on what the issue is in the M. Also depends on spouses ages and history because laurie specifically asked me how old etc..

The last tims there was an exchange about how I must have misunderstood laurie, there was a eesponse from DBMOD reminding us that although we may have seen and lived many sitchs alongside the person on the forum, the coaches have helped thousands of people fix their marriage and their experience and advice can sometimes seem odd

I will find that post and copy it here.

[SM34]

here is copy paste of DBMOD post on my previous thread. The post was on 02/17/13:

When there is meta discussion, opinions fly as if they really apply to a given persons situation. On the board we always see one side. While the coach is hearing one person, they know how to ask the right questions and their toolbox for providing impetus to and assessment of change is just larger.


We think because we see 'so many stories' and hear folks talk about what works and what doesn't work, a coach's advice, especially as is compared to how we talk about a situation on the board, might seem strange.

At the end of the day, the coaches, as hard as it might be forums to understand because we read so much on this board and others, have much more experience, knowledge, expertise---and success with their advice.

[Starsky309]

Also, what is Laurie's take on the fact that w gets sex w om, gets the boring parts where he's playing video games filled in by chatting with you via text, and has all the comforts of her home, and your full support? Your waiting for her to make a choice, but what choice does she need to make?

BINGO.

[SM34]

I think my previous post addressed this...

Laurie feels it is too early and a choice now would be FOR OM.

When there are enough positive signs. Then I think the advice will be to tighten up

W is on her way back now from OM. Shortest stay yet at just one night. Have to see how this week goes and if there is enough change to report to warrant a session with laurie

[cat04]

First of all, there is no "magic timeframe" for A's to end. Most research shows that they last from 6 months to 2 years. However, just like any other relationship, that is dependent on the R and other circumstances.

I also know of several long term marriages that started out as A's. And they are happy marriages, so while I don't want to burst your bubble, I would like you to realize that it is possible...

Look, it didn't take just one flirty line from OM to get your W interested, because she was already vulnerable.

She was vulnerable because of issues in the M, that you may or may not have been aware of.

There was a lack of emotional intimacy, a lack of sexual intimacy...

I think I understand why Laurie says to go ahead and text with your W. She is hoping to maintain the friendship and possibly renew the interest...

The thing I would like you to be aware of here...

It doesn't mean ROMANTIC interest and honestly it doesn't necessarily mean that her interest in OM is waning...

There are times, when my BF is watching something on television that I am not interested in or is working on a project that I have no part of...

What do I do with my time?

I crochet, surf the internet, sometimes, I text or have a phone conversation with someone else. That doesn't mean that I am NOT interested in my BF or that I am intersted in someone else... It means that I am doing something with my time...

You are spending too much time analzying every little thing....

You said that for you, there is one "correct" answer to things...

In math, that is true. In life, it is not...

While there are answers that we WANT to be the correct answer, that doesn't make it correct for everyone.

STOP, BREATHE, and stop looking for the magic pill, magic time frame, or the ONE thing that is going to change this, because there isn't one.

IF change happens, it will be for a combination of reasons, some of which you won't even understand...

I think I can also understand why Laurie advised you to stop posting a bit (as you have revealed more of the conversation, which makes the comments seem much less offensive to posters here)...

YOU get yourself confused and turned all inside out when you have too much information to process.

You need to focus and you too easily manage to get your focus all twisted up by posting, questioning, explaining, justifying and snooping.

Just my thoughts...