It's good to be here

[Mileus]

Today was brutal. I was with kids working on a major class project today,(I teach), but they are very good kids and didn't need much help. I spent most of the day trapped in an auditorium with my own thoughts. It was very hard not to text my STBX that I missed her. But I didn't.

Even now, the thought is in my head but I know it is a bad idea, so I typed this instead. I also wrote her a letter about how stupid I think her decision is. Once the initial rush wears off she'll still be just a depressed as ever. Then she will have lost her family only to be unhappy somewhere else. I've been throwing them away. Just trying to get the thoughts out.

In the meantime, I called a lawyer to get the situation with my son settled. She wants to marry this new guy, mainly for the insurance I think. She loves him, but I think she has doubts about her decision. I get the feeling from our talk a couple days ago that she isn't really 100% sure she wants to leave me. Still I am trying not to mind read.

I think she felt forced to leave because I told her I wouldn't share her. She wanted to do 5 days at home and 2 with him. I said it was all or nothing. I just didn't have the strength to do otherwise even though it meant a better chance at winning her back. And, I didn't think she would walk out on her kids. (Especially without telling them.) Oh well, spilt milk. I think this will be best for me and my self respect in the long run.

Anyway, my son is autistic and hers from her 1st marriage. I have been raising him since he was 2 (16 now) and am closer to him than anyone. I'm worried that she'll get married and something awful will happen and I would lose custody of him to a stranger because they were married. I have power of attorney for him (for school) but no real legal standing. It's terrifying. The other 2 are over 18 and aren't going anywhere. Funny how a month ago I was looking forward to getting kids out of the house.

This helped. I don't feel like texting anymore. I imagine that it will take months for her to realize she might have made a mistake. She will be married by then. Any hope, or is it over? I'm trying to just move on with my life like it's over but inside I'm dying.

[AnotherStander]

Even now, the thought is in my head but I know it is a bad idea, so I typed this instead. I also wrote her a letter about how stupid I think her decision is. Once the initial rush wears off she'll still be just a depressed as ever. Then she will have lost her family only to be unhappy somewhere else. I've been throwing them away. Just trying to get the thoughts out.

Excellent, you're doing the right thing! It really does help to get that out of your system, and if you gave any of these thoughts to her it would just be pressure and she would very likely just not respond to them at all (I learned this the hard way early on).

I get the feeling from our talk a couple days ago that she isn't really 100% sure she wants to leave me.

I don't think a WAS is ever 100% sure of anything, they may act like it on the outside but inside they're very confused over their choices. That doesn't mean she won't proceed with marrying OM, but I doubt she's 100% convinced it's the right thing to do.

I think she felt forced to leave because I told her I wouldn't share her. She wanted to do 5 days at home and 2 with him. I said it was all or nothing. I just didn't have the strength to do otherwise even though it meant a better chance at winning her back.

I think you made the right decision, if you allowed her to split time between you and OM then you would likely have been stuck in a never-ending emotional limbo.

I think this will be best for me and my self respect in the long run.

Absolutely!

I'm worried that she'll get married and something awful will happen and I would lose custody of him to a stranger because they were married. I have power of attorney for him (for school) but no real legal standing. It's terrifying.

I can tell you're upset and understand why you would be. Sounds like you're doing the right thing in consulting a L. It's normal to worry, but see it as just being an emotion, emotions don't control you unless you let them. Don't fight it, just let it roll through and stay on your game plan.

I imagine that it will take months for her to realize she might have made a mistake. She will be married by then. Any hope, or is it over?

There is hope for as long as you care to hold it in your heart.

I'm trying to just move on with my life like it's over but inside I'm dying.

I know it's hard to believe right now, but it does get better! You're barely 6 weeks into your sitch, in my sitch that was around the time that I really hit rock bottom. I thought I was handling things well, but at around 6 weeks I crashed and burned big time. Major depression and anxiety, didn't sleep for days on end, etc. I ended up getting prescribed anti-depressants and really think that's what brought me back from the brink. If you don't feel yourself improving soon then you might consider that. But regardless, healing takes time and you've got to give yourself that time.

[Mileus]

Holy crap! Found out this weekend that my daughter is pregnant. So I'll be a Grandpa before 40. It's good timing because I wasn't sure I had enough to do with just bankruptcy and a separation. Despite the nagging worry, I'm actually glad that there will be a baby in the house. I already feel love for it and she's only 2 months pregnant, just wasn't expecting another bomb. And my daughter just signed up for technical school, so that starts half way through the pregnancy.

I was starting to feel better. I still miss her like crazy, but I felt I could start to move forward. She came home yesterday to find out about our daughter and later told me she was considering marriage in a week (What?!?!). I held it together pretty well, until today, I sent some unneeded texts. (So much for detachment.) But, I'm back on track. And when she told me, I handled it well.

I think I talked her out of marriage, at least until I get custody of our youngest. I reminded her that she was sleeping with me 2-3X a week the entire time she was having the affair and was lying to him as well. He thought we were not active. Then she wanted to spend 5 nights with me and 2 with him and be physical with both.(That's when I told her no and she left). Those aren't acts of love for either of us. I didn't bring it up myself, she wanted to talk.

And I reminded her that the kids have never even met him and are barely speaking to her as it is. Though, she keeps telling them how much they'll like his family. I think she has this fantasy in her head that they will get married and the kids will all get along wonderfully and she will feel like she does now forever. I could take her back after an affair, maybe not in 6 months, who knows how I'll feel then, but not after a marriage. It feels so final.

She didn't even tell her dad she was considering marriage. Basically, she is worried about not having insurance and she is on a lot of meds for her depression. She would lose it without them. I've seen her go a day without some of them and it isn't pretty. But, it's amazing to me how she's changed.

She has only been home to see the kids 3X in 2 weeks. She says its because she is not comfortable around me, but I've offered to leave the house when she comes. I feel like she isn't the amazing mom I've always known. I can understand how she left me, I don't like it, but I can understand. How she stays away from the kids, I'll never get.

During the conversation, she even put down his intelligence and said she missed talking to me. That was weird, but I'm trying not to read into it. I'm just walking everyday (30+ minutes of daily exercise), sticking to my diet (1600 calories) and enjoying time with the kids. I'm trying to go LRT, but it is difficult.

Maybe with her talking marriage in a few weeks I should even go dark, but that's hard to do with kids. Either way, I'm trying to take care of myself.

Thanks for reading. It's always good to get this stuff out every few days.

[Mileus]

After rereading my last post, I think I need to work more on detaching. It's hard, she only moved out 2 weeks ago. My new goal, in addition to my others, is to only speak about the kids. I know that's what I should have been doing, and some days I have, but I want to go 24 hours without a call or text.

Then, the same goal tomorrow and the next day for a week. Then my goal will be to do it for a week. Etc.

I don't know why it's so hard to let go. I should be furious. Anyway, I texted her the kids schedule this morning in case she wanted to visit and wished her a good day. I realized as soon as I sent it that it is probably pursuing. That's not why I sent it. I won't be here today, going out after work, and I thought it would be a good day to come up, but from now on, if she wants to know she'll have to ask.

Emotionally, I feel better today. I cried again because my oldest son said he is thinking about moving out and I'm not sure he's ready. That never would have happened before this, so there's still some hurt, but I feel better. I told him that he is welcome to stay, I'm glad he's home, and I hope he waits until he finishes his coursework. He's just been stressed since she left.

[Mileus]

Having a terrible day. I don't know why I'm having so much trouble not calling or texting my ex. I know it's a bad idea, I'm just so pissed off that she gets to be happy while I'm at home with 3 kids who are all miserable right now. I love my kids; I just hate the unfairness of it all.

I never saw this coming. We hung out, talked daily, had sex 3-4X per week. I thought things were fine. I know she's been depressed, but I could never get her into counseling or to change her life at all. I know she wanted me to spend more time with her in the garden, but that doesn't excuse the betrayal of 14 years of a good relationship. I know I'll get past all that, just a bad day. And I can't say this to her.

Yesterday, I had to talk to her because of the lawyer paperwork. It turns out that is actually going to be pretty easy. It should be done by next week as long as she signs the custody agreement. She's so cold to me now, like we weren't best friends for 14 years. I understand why, but it [censored] having to pretend I'm doing OK when I just want to yell at her for being so selfish.

Unfortunately, I will have to talk to her again today because she still hasn't signed to form so I can take my son on the cruise in 10 days. She doesn't have a job, it shouldn't be too difficult to do this. And I have to act like I'm not annoyed that she's taking so long. The last 2 times she came down to see the kids, she has taken my daughter places and spent the whole time staring at her watch. My daughter was very annoyed.

She moved an hour away and is creating a whole new life, new kids (his), new friends, etc. I don't feel like she'll ever regret her decision. Thanks for letting me vent.

[Mileus]

BTW, I just wanted to thank Anotherstander and advina again. I've reread my thread and read what you have posted on others. You two are so insightful and very helpful. So, Thank You for being around to help.

[Mileus]

OK. So last night she came over and was moving some of her stuff out. It wasn't so bad, we joked around a bit and I carried some stuff to the car. It was difficult seeing her eyes light up when she started packing her lingerie. I pretended not to notice and about 10 minutes later I went for a brief walk to cool down.

Then, I showed her the paperwork the lawyer wrote up for the custody agreement of our 16 year old. She FLIPPED. There was crying, yelling, etc. I actually stayed pretty calm and assured her that we wouldn't sign anything she wasn't comfortable with. The main areas she had trouble with was that she vacated the house and I was solely responsible for his care since then.

She also had trouble because it said she left and she wanted it to say it was a mutual agreement. I told her she didn't have to leave, if she wanted to move back in, I would sleep on the couch so she could be with the kids. I even offered to move in with my parents. Truth is, her guy lives an hour away and she doesn't want to live here.

She has given money for Feb., but in the last 3 weeks, she has spent maybe 1-2 hours with him. Even when she lived at home, she was depressed and I was usually the one dealing with the kids. The older 2 were listed as emancipated children living with me and she had trouble with that. "They are 19 and 20, they are old enough to be on their own." or something like that.

They aren't ready to leave yet, and I have no intention of forcing the issue. They have both dealt with depression since their grandmother's suicide and are just now starting to move forward. I think seeing what she has done written in a legal document really shook her.

I really tried to be calm, but she just kept pushing and saying she wanted the wording changed. I don't really care what it says, as long as I get custody. Then she started acting like it was my fault and kept calling me a martyr because I wanted custody of my stepson. Finally, I just couldn't take it and said.

Paraphrased "I am offering to sign a paper that says I will be legally responsible for your son for the rest of my life. He's autistic, he may never move out. When I finally start dating again, I'll have to meet someone who doesn't mind sharing me, because we're a packaged deal. I'll never grow old alone with someone, I'll always have someone with me. I'm not a martyr, I'm just a good dad. And I don't deserve this crap from you. I'm not the one who left."

So, I hope everyone else's day went well.

[Mileus]

PS. Then I went for a really long walk and when I came back, she apologized for getting angry. But, it was clear she couldn't wait to get out. I think she can't stand the guilt she feels when she comes home. I try to be pleasant, but I think it's still too new. It's weird, I think in some ways, I'm doing better than she is. But of course, I have the kids and lots of people to talk to. She just has him.

[adinva]

I think I love you Mileus.

[Mileus]

Thank you. It's good to know someone still does.

Anyway, her behavior makes things easier. I still miss her and have hope for the future. But right now, I've lost a lot of respect for her. I hate feeling that way. Still if she can't get help for her depression and cut down on using pot, I don't think I could ever take her back. Of course, that's easy to say when she's not asking.