So close I can taste it...

[SM34]

Thank you all. or your comments. My posts take forever to show due to moderation. I suspect the moderation is due to an old thread about ssri medications that I started a while back. It has gotten a lot of attention lately as so many people realize that their spouse was put on a ssri med or the brand or dosage was changed shortly before BD. I had posted external links on that thread not knowing that was not allowed. They have since been removed and i apoligize for that violation.

As for the personal attacks, you guys are kind of right. As I have mentioned before, I seem to get attacked much more often than others on here. I am accused of cherry picking, of not wanting to move past my wife etc.

Well you will all be happy to know that things are going in a very positive directi with my wife. My coach recognized that I needed to pursue and show affection and interest and now it seems to be working.

Wife broke it off with OM briefly. We got very close again and also went out together for a romantic dinner to celebrate my new business.

We had a long serious talk this morning and she said many things but the brief is that she is confused but she recognizes now how much I love her. She has a lot of respect for my loyalty and I gave her much to think about that will likely leave her thinking for a while.

News has gotten to me from some of her friends that she is starting to lean towards working on our marriage.

One thing I would like to caution the people here when dealing with newbies is that pls, always tell them to talk with a coach. When someones marriage really wasnt so bad and they are dealing with a wife that feels neglected, it is a death sentence to the marriage to start preparing yourself for moving on

I think sometimes you need that attachment to your spouse to be able to act on it. I think sometimes by preparing yourself for a life on your own, you almost create a self fulfilling prophecy. You come across as having given up or not caring or more importantly for a neglected spouse it seems like MORE OF THE SAME.

so yes I am a person that at this point cannot live without my wife. And by maintaining that attitude, it has come across to her as deep love that she now fears she will never find from someone else (she told her friend this).

If someone has case that seems very hopeless, like they have engaged in huge love busting behavior for a long time...anger, self centeredness, putting their wife down, verbal or physical abuse, not helping with the kids etc.. by all means prepare that person for single life because they have made life a misery for their wife.

For someone who gave their wife everything, that worked hard for their marriage, that helped with the kids above and beyond what even the best of daddies do, that helped with the delivery of their baby, that put their wife and baby above their own needs, that treated their wife with the utmost respect, that honored their marriage vows and never ever cheated or was dishonest, that was their wifes best friend etc..... but made the mistake of not showing their wife how much she was needed and loved and how important she is to him, at least not in the way that she needed to be shown because he was busy showing his love in a way that is not as important to their wife, then dont prepare that person to move on because in doing so you encourage them to neglect even more.

That peraon needs to show their love and show their respect quickly and strongly in the ways he has learned his wife needed. She must feel wanted and loved, and quickly. The only thing I regret so far is the time I spent acting as if.

My wife told me today that for a while she thought I didnt care that she was leaving. She heard me say I wanted her to stay, but didnt see me showing her. Now she has seen it for a month and she is having doubts now about leaving.

Of course it took me so long to get into that practice and so she has gotten close to OM so now she is torn. She knows what the right thing to do is, and I am optimistic that she will make the right decision with enough pursuing and time....and another screw up from OM would be nice too because he seems to be trying his luck too much with her.

Michelle says in her book that sex starved and neglected wives need a different approach but I think she needa to clarify that in those cases the DR book is almost negated. You would be better off trying ro implement as many pf the suggestions from Sex Starved Marriage even if you are not able to actually have aex with your wife. I have learned to be intimate and sensual withour love making and it is confusing the hell out of my wife. This is what she has wanted for years now and so using 25's famous formula

Consistent change + sufficient time = change she can believe in

It will take some time for her to see that I can do this.

It may still not work out, and I will deal with that when I find myself on that position but atleast for me I have found that the more I think about that the more I am sabotaging my chances at fixing this.

Please please please get a db coach before you start implementing tactics suggested by people on the forum. You are all an excellent resource for working to better ourselves but leave the advice on how to win back your spouse to the pros.

I have upset people with these comments before. But I stand by my comments. I have been bashed a lot, and have been mocked and beaten up for wanting my wife back so much that I am willing to show her that. So I dont bother with the forum much now. I read and learn from other peoplea threads and save myseld rhe anguish of constantly exlaining myself to everyone and taking abuse like I have not seen anyone else get here.

In todays talk with my wife on why she is still hesitant to give us another try, it had nothing to do with any of the supposed negative aspects of my character that everyone keeps pointing out. She did not say I am awkward or self centered or talk down to her, or have a superiority complex, or that I am cuckold or any of that stuff. The one thing she said was she would have liked to see this kind of attention and passion more in the last few years. She has no issues with my character and I spent a lot of time dwelling on this things and losing sleep over whether I was really such a horrible husband. I know I dont feel like a horrible husband and I said many times o didnt think my wife was say I was a bad husband. She just wanted to be pursued, to feel desired sexually, to feel sexy

[keep_going]

Where exactly is he getting beat up? IDK how closely you have been following SM but I've been with him from almost the beginning. Sometimes before accusing people of beating up another person you should be sure that they are beating them up or perhaps trying to movitate them in a different way for a change. Afterall you do know what happens when assume don't you?

wow...Now I am the getting beat up - lol.

I was just asking for some empathy for SM. After all, how far along were we all just a few months into our own marital crisis?

Leopoldstotch - I am not going to engage in an argument with you or anyone else here because that is not what I am here for. I just finished reading a nasty exchange between two fellow DBers and it made me sick to my stomach. Good luck with your approach.

[leopoldstotch]

Ok understood and you aren't getting beat up either. Perhaps that exchange you read affected you greatly. FTR SM is a man who likes a challenge and that is what was being done not beating him up.

As far as empathy goes I would say almost everyone here who has posted to him does have it for him. I think we all want to see him succeed in saving his M.

[SM34]

Leo I appreciate it man. I really do. I need the morale boost right now since my love tank is running on fumes and I might be in the home stretch. You should read my earlier post, its above because it took a while to post since I am on moderation.

Thank you all for the support. Wil be needing more now. Feeling down and need to pick myself up before it appears as lack of confidence.

[Starsky309]

Leo I appreciate it man. I really do. I need the morale boost right now since my love tank is running on fumes and I might be in the home stretch. You should read my earlier post, its above because it took a while to post since I am on moderation.

Thank you all for the support. Wil be needing more now. Feeling down and need to pick myself up before it appears as lack of confidence.

Although I disagree with just about everything else you said (and are doing) above, this post here does show that MEN know how to talk to MEN without offending them, and WOMEN just don't get that.

Of course, the opposite is true, too, but since it's usually women who tell other men to "tone down" and "back off" some of the stronger advice they give, this just jumped out at me.

Carry on.


Starsky

[SM34]

Starsky I really need you guys right! Men and women. I need some 'hey man hang in there' type stuff. Into month three now and the lack of loving wears you down, and I know you all have been there and can appreciate it.

Wife has been secretly weaning herself of the ssri meds. My mother in law and myself had blamed all of this mess on the doubling of her dosage that took place 4 days bsfore BD. She became so cold and had no empathy whatsoever. Really didnt care who she was hurting. She is down to 50mg every two or three days and she did it against her therapists wishes, and secretly with telling anyone. I now see much more empathy from her.

She still hasnt let her guard down because she still isnt 100 perecent convinced that I can be the husband she needs. I am working on showing her that but it takes a lot to give and give with nothing return. Thats why I need you all.

I read something I trueging on a thread the other day. A person was told by their actively affairing wife that if it wasnt this OM it would be another. The people responding thought that sounded like a cry for help from her husband.

Well my wife said something similar during our talk. She said I gave and gave and gave to everyone my whole life, and now I just want to do somsthing for me. This is not about you, its not about OM, its about me. I want to make ME happy.

Since she is smart and I think she knows OM is a loser, and knows its nit goiing to work I think she doesnt care right now. Its fun and thats all that matters. My coach says the sane thing. She needs to feel loved, she needs to be pursued, she needs to feel sexy and attractive. I was never good at that, and I guess OM is.

Last week I was told by a friend of hers that I needed to act fast because wife told her it was over with OM. I acted cool and calm like I didnt know anything. Then after dinner she said I am going over to meet OM now, but just to pick up my sh$t from him. So not in so many words she told me it was over. I tried to talk her into not going, bevause I know its like a drug and any contact can fire it up again. I told her if the stuff doesnt include your wedding ring then I dont care of you to get it back. We will buy it again.

She said no I need to get my sh&t, he is not going to keep any of my stuff.

We hugged, she cried, I told her to call me if anything crazy happens. Well, exactly what I thought would happen, happened. He bowed down and kissed her ass and sweet talked it all over. More of your hot and beautiful etc. I am sure. So now its fired up again.

But I was so close. I was almost going to post a good news post, but it crumbled.

Still, that is to be expected. My coach warned me as well as all of you, that this is not a linear process. There are ups abd downs and they dont call it the rollercoaster from hell for nothing.

I did manage to inject some thoughts into wifes head while she was exhibiting some sanity. And her friends have told me she is talking about us now. But we all know there is no chance as long as OM is in the picture.

So I need to wait it out. He is a dufus from what I can tell, and doesnt even know not to fight with her right now because he still has some very stiff competition. I mean a husband and a child is hard to beat and if I were him I would be on my best behavior until the divorce is final, but then again maybe he doesnt want her so much...who knows, who cares.

Her friends have told me that she even told OM he is not her type pylhysically (infront of them) and that I am exactly her type.

Any suggestions? The approach I am taking, with my coachs guidance, is more of a carrot approach. The stick is happening naturally I think because the fantasy is starting to get real. But I need to have more patience. I need to dig deep.

Honestly the time I spent away fro. The forum has been hard. I feel alone because I do t talk to anyone about my issues. And so here I am. I will risk the 2x4s that may come, for the chance of a few pick me ups from someone. ; )

Starsky, your the man. I know you were showing your wife love until you needed to rock her world to get a responce. You can relate. How did you do? How do you go on showing love and staying calm when you know you are dealing with someone whe is making the biggest mistake of their life? When you you need more patience but your not sure if you have any more?

[SM34]

The annoying thing is that my wife stuck to her guns during our talk. She said I should have shown her this when we were together. Even though she has told her friends that she is thinking about whether to work it out with me, why can WAS never be honest about that? Do they have to pretend that is impossible? Of course she doesnt know I have been tipped of by her friend.

[Mach1]

The annoying thing is that my wife stuck to her guns during our talk. She said I should have shown her this when we were together.

I am curious to what your answer was to her....

[AnotherStander]

Wife broke it off with OM briefly. We got very close again and also went out together for a romantic dinner to celebrate my new business.

What does "briefly" mean, is she back together with him?

One thing I would like to caution the people here when dealing with newbies is that pls, always tell them to talk with a coach.

You'll see that mentioned in a lot of threads. Often the LBS can't afford coaching though.

When someones marriage really wasnt so bad and they are dealing with a wife that feels neglected, it is a death sentence to the marriage to start preparing yourself for moving on

Detaching, getting a life and giving your spouse time and space is not "moving on".

I think sometimes you need that attachment to your spouse to be able to act on it. I think sometimes by preparing yourself for a life on your own, you almost create a self fulfilling prophecy.

I really do hope your M recovers, but I think your very premature in thinking you're out of the woods.

For someone who gave their wife everything, that worked hard for their marriage, that helped with the kids above and beyond what even the best of daddies do, that helped with the delivery of their baby, that put their wife and baby above their own needs, that treated their wife with the utmost respect, that honored their marriage vows and never ever cheated or was dishonest, that was their wifes best friend etc..... but made the mistake of not showing their wife how much she was needed and loved and how important she is to him, at least not in the way that she needed to be shown because he was busy showing his love in a way that is not as important to their wife, then dont prepare that person to move on because in doing so you encourage them to neglect even more.

Here's a wakeup call for you. You just described me perfectly. After BD I did all the positive things you're trying now plus much, much more. I became the perfect H (this is exactly what W told the MC). I took over everything around the house. I showed my W love in all 5 love languages. I showered her with attention and affection. I gave her every single thing she said was missing before, but even went above and beyond. We got along fantastic, even sex was better than ever. Everything seemed to be improving substantially. Yet she still moved out. Go ahead and pile on the pursuit since you're so convinced it's the right thing to do, but be ready to back off if and when things deteriorate. Because in my sitch they surely did deteriorate further, and now I'm sticking to the DB path. I've ALREADY walked your path and it DID NOT WORK. Maybe it will with your W, but I doubt it.

Of course it took me so long to get into that practice and so she has gotten close to OM so now she is torn. She knows what the right thing to do is, and I am optimistic that she will make the right decision with enough pursuing and time

So she is back with OM then? I get the impression that you see this as a contest, whoever between you and OM can pursue her more is going to win. The irony is OM is probably not pursuing her AT ALL. And THAT is probably why she keeps going back to him. Meanwhile your pursuit let's her know that you will always be good ol' faithful plan B for her.

Michelle says in her book that sex starved and neglected wives need a different approach but I think she needa to clarify that in those cases the DR book is almost negated.

You should write her, I'm sure she'd appreciate your extensive expertise in this matter. LOL!

[cbtdad]

SM, I wish you well and hope it all works out for you.
But you really seem to hear only what you want to hear