Bring It On 2013

[BeingMe]

Updating ...

H's mom broke her hip and just had an op. She is comfortable, but confused. She has altzheimers, and it's quite advanced. I'm pleased that H is keeping me in the loop. His mom is in our home country far away, so he gets informed via email from his one brother, and then he fwds it to me. I'm so sad ... she has been my mom for 27 years (my own mom passed when I was 21 years old). We always got on very well, but now she doesn't remember me or our children.

H has been weird lately ... he asked me to go with him to the local pub on Friday night (it has kareoke and the food is pretty good ... I also thought "doesn't he have a date?"). I was hungry so said yes. We had fun. On Saturday, a friend and I went out for the day, and I switched off my cell. When I switched it back on, there was a long text from him, so I replied in two words. Then, my D20 gets back from NY on Sunday, and we were discussing our text book for review next week, in the car. (We are taking a course together.) She said she was going to read it on the plane, which she did ... most of it anyway. I've gotten through about half. The book is The Lizard Cage by Karen Connelly (?). It's a fascinating book about Burma. Anyway, my H asks if it's something he would want to read (how would we know?). My D20 says she's not sure, but it's a brilliant book, and she's enjoying it. I guess he wants to be part of our conversations ... feeling left out. Reading was one of the big things we had in common when we met each other. I don't recall when last he read a book that wasn't a manual. He's also so sensitive ... he thought a text from my D20 was curt, but when she got home and he asked her if she's angry with him, she said "no, why" and he referred to the text. To me, all texts are curt ... it's their nature to be so. That's what smiley faces are for. D20 said she had been tired. He has found a studio apartment where he works, and I told (note "told") him that D20 and her friends could stay there when they go shopping or for the comic fan event next month. He said "no problem." He left for work city later than usual.

I'm confused. Just two weeks ago, I asked when we'll have the money for the divorce lawyer, and he said March (he just started a new contract, so money will be tight until he gets his first payment). Now March is here, and this is what he's doing. For a long time, I've not been calling him, and only text when absolutely needed. He calls me, and I get off the phone ASAP. I don't cook for him anymore, when he's at home. I do during the week, for myself and D20 and/or S25 when he's around. As far as I'm concerned, the ship has not only sailed on our marriage, it sank. So, I hope he's not trying to get back, 'cause I'm not interested. Or, maybe he wants to be "friends". I hope I've made it clear what my intentions are. To continue with my metaphor ... perhaps he's circling the sunken ship (like the Titanic) to see what can be salvaged?

I dunno ... it's just too strange, for me. Just after Christmas, we got into a sorta argument, and he said (almost resentfully) that, "maybe I do love you in my own f*cked up way." I just walked out of the kitchen where this weird "conversation" was happening. I was speechless. I haven't said ILY in a long, long time, so not sure where this came from. We were discussing finances, the end of our marriage. Not really emotional stuff, as far as I could tell. And now, all this other stuff.

Well, if anyone has read this far, thanks, and I wouldn't mind some opinions, please.

[job]

I'm sorry to read about your MIL. A broken hip is serious when people get to her age. I hope that she's getting good care.

I think your h is dragging his feet about the divorce. I honestly don't think he wants one and he may very well be right about loving you in his own way. He's content w/his life the way it is and he's in absolutely no hurry to end the marriage. Maybe he feels that if he's divorced, if he meets someone or already has someone, they'll push him for a new marriage. He's just a very strange one.

[BeingMe]

Thanks for weighing in, Snodderly. My H is a strange one. Do you think this strangeness has anything to do with his sexual abuse when he was 12yo. I don't know how long it went on for, and he just wants to forget it, but I doubt he can do that if he doesn't deal with it. It was also at the time his mother left his father for another man, leaving the children behind. My H came home to find his mother gone. She did come to the house every night to tuck them in, but I think a 12yo would be very resentful. I think he blamed his father who always had affairs. Now his parents are failing in health, and I fear their passing is not too far off, especially his mom. How is he going to deal with that?

This is why I didn't just leave 8 years ago. I knew something was up. But, I can't sacrifice my life to his abuser anymore. My H is an adult now, and can get the help he needs if he so chooses.

But, is this his issue? Is this why he is the way he is? Or, am I just looking for things that aren't there? I just don't know.

[beatrice]

Beingme. I have to jump in here. Yes, yes yes. Sexual abuse, unacknowledged and undealt with has a huge effect on people.

The 'just wanting to forget' is classic. And at the same time his mother left. SO he was emotionally abandoned, by his mother and sexually abused by another adult. And his father continually emotionally abandoned his family by having affairs. His parents failed to protect him.

Seriously BM - run this by any therapist

I suspect that you filled the gap in his life for a long time - you are clearly an amazing person - and held him together, but only he can deal with his issues, which will be hugely painful.

I know we should take what we read on the net with a pinch of salt, but look up abuse. Sexual abuse also involves emotional abuse, by its very nature and it does terrible things to people. It can be dealt with.

[job]

BeingMe,
I agree w/Bea and abuse victims do tend to shove the situation under the carpet and do not want to deal w/it. If something should happen to one of his parents, it may set him in motion to finally do something about what he experienced. I suspect he's always been one to guard his feelings and not really allow you into his life any more than he had to. Such a shame and what his parents did to him has harmed him.

I do hope and pray that he will seek professional help. It's his issue to resolve and all you can do is let him go to figure things out for himself. You need to step back and take care of yourself and continue on w/your studies.

Please take care of yourself.

[forward]

Ah Being,
I agree with Snodderly that your STBX is dragging his feet.

When you continue to socialize with him, does this help you move forward?

[BeingMe]

Okay, so he's trying to be a cake eater. I don't know what he's thinking, and really don't care. It's been a long time since I asked him about our R, and I won't do so again. In my mind, I allowed the door to be open a crack until the end of 2012. I asked him three times last year, if we could work on the M ... we were getting along so nicely, and I figured he had 6-7 years previous to over whatever baggage he's got going, or should be realizing he needs help. But, each time he said no, and gave some lame excuse. Then I heard from a friend that he's got some skank, sorry, OW in another city, so I stopped. There is no going back now. The door is closed and locked. I may go out on the odd occasion, but it's just for fun. I'm not sure whether it helps me move forward, but we're still in the same house (can't get it sold), so may as well be pleasant to him. Unless I'm kidding myself, I'm not in love with him anymore ... he killed that emotion, and you know, I let him. I don't want to be in love with him anymore. I've cried my last tear over our so-called marriage. But, I do still care about him. He is the father of my children, and I don't want them to see us fighting, rather see us getting along. I see the socializing as hanging out with a "friend" who'll be paying me a lot of alimony. Hahahaha

Oh gosh, am I making sense here? Thankfully, I've found my sense of humor again. It comes on sporadically. I'm seeing the whackiness in my situation.

[beatrice]

I am not making any excuses for your h, but I know enough damaged people (like am I some sort of magnet?) to know that facing their issues and doing something about it doesn't happen because their life is no longer on track.

Their identity and mental stability is a fragile construct, and they fear the destruction of themselves in every way. Like everyone says, they have to hit bottom before they do anything, and some/many never get to that point. In fact I would go so far as to say that any MLCer who doesn't hit bottom and deal with their stuff has probably not resolved what is going on, and even if they stay in the marriage, nothing is truly resolved. I think when things have got to the stage of you and your h there probably has to be a divorce and total loss

I agree about being 'friendly' when we have adult children, for their sakes, if nothing else.

Funnily enough my xh has been saying for the last couple of years that he always wanted to be in touch.

Total rewrite of history and also even currently untrue. After our meeting I sent a friendly email a week later as a follow up, and have heard nothing back in nearly a month . . . . so much for the staying in touch myth!!

[BeingMe]

Thanks for your thoughts, Beatrice, Snodderly, and Forward. I so appreciate it when you guys come through. I have been feeling somewhat depressed, and unsure of myself ... not so much the M, but also university studies, and now my D20 seems to be in a funk. She didn't come home from uni today, and not replying to her cell phone. I would call her friend, where she most likely is, but she gets annoyed when I "check up" on her. I know I shouldn't worry, but she left a sad message on her Facebook, and when she does that, I start worrying. Ugh! The "joy" of being a parent of an adult ... ya got no power, but all the concern. I called H to send her a message on Facebook just so she knows her dad is there too. Just in case she feels he's deserting her. Just covering all my bases. A friend of hers committed suicide at the end of last year, and nobody knows why. She just left a message on Facebook with just one word "sorry". So, I don't want that to happen to D20 without my trying everything to make sure that doesn't happen. I just wish she would call me to say whether she'll be home or not tonight.

I feel better now, getting all that out. In the end, she's an adult now, and it's her life.

[BeingMe]

Today, my H says he has nothing to hide. Really? Nothing? A notice came in the mail from the Postal Service inquiring if it was he that requested the change of address. I guess they do this to make sure of the authenticity of the change of address request. He says he didn't request anything. Of course not, he never lies. His checks arrive in the mail, so I asked him if he didn't want me to see how much he gets. That's when he said: "I have nothing to hide." I'm so sick of his MLC. He says it's probably someone trying to steal his identity. I almost laughed out loud. Well, maybe it is someone trying to steal his id ... who knows?

I'm thinking of leaving. We can rent the house out until we can sell it. I'm done with this.