Also yesterday, W left the kids at the house for about an hour and a half to "run errands". She let me know via text when she was leaving and didn't give me details on what "errands" she was running, but when I was leaving the office and headed to campus I called the kiddos on the home phone, and the oldest informed me that W was just now getting back - "like, literally just walked in the door" as she put it.
This bothered me. I don't know why, but it did. I acted "as if" it didn't and didn't ask any questions about it and played it off fine externally, but internally my thoughts raced and my emotions were affected. I realize this means I need to detach more, but I guess I'm just logging. At the time I knew in my head it shouldn't bother me, but it did.
Also also, I just got off the morning call with W. One of the songs on one of the cd's I made her back when I was pursuing her (for a year) was playing in the background. Is she listening to them again? For a reason or just because she likes that song? It doesn't matter, PM! DETACH!
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
As she knows your mother, it probably won't be seen as you pressuring her. I wouldn't say too much about it or even ask to read it. Leave it between W and your mother.
Thanks.
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
Things feel weird. Trying not to psych myself out, just...weird.
Acting "as if" as best I can.
Work is able to distract me somewhat, but other than that it seems like I am ALWAYS thinking about the sitch, and MAN can that where a person down over the course of 15+ months.
I hope you all have a good one! If you're waiting for today to be great, MAKE it great instead!
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
Also, I sense that she is "on" to the thing where I don't initiate contact. Before, she didn't realize what I was doing and she was being pulled in by me creating space. Now, it seems like she sees the trend and is reciprocating the treatment. Oh well, I enjoyed it drawing her in while it lasted. Though, the distance I feel from her during a normal day now isn't continued when I'm at the house. She and I are still chummy.
Last night she kept complaining about her back hurting. I took that as a hint for me to rub it, but I made no offer. If she wants to ask me, I'll oblige, but she has to at least ask (at least...that was one of my 180's, which technically was itself a 180). Or maybe I should stop playing stupid games and just rub her dang back. I'm pretty sure I can figure out how to do that without turning into a doormat. Of course, friends don't rub friends' backs...
Aargh! I'm stuck in that mental loop!
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
Wow, dude...we call it the hamster wheel...get off.
Ya, the no initiating contact was not a go for me, but H and I are separated by an hour, so I do not have much opportunity to create space...it already exists. But when I didn't initiate, he played as well. Now I initiate way less and only with something to tell about kids etc. Sure we will text about other stuff, but I always wait for something benign. That way, he doesn't think I am shutting him out and I can give him the chance to chat more without having to be obliged to, if you know what I mean.
Oh okay, I might mention that this has just been recent for me, because I was not really following the path I had laid out at beginning for a few months there. Thought I knew what I was doing, knew better...I didn't lmao
If you feel like you're playing games, don't play them.
Who does Patient Man want to be?
If what you're doing is expressing the new you, the man you want to be, then it will sometimes be uncomfortable, awkward.
This Also, I sense that she is "on" to the thing where I don't initiate contact. Before, she didn't realize what I was doing and she was being pulled in by me creating space. Now, it seems like she sees the trend and is reciprocating the treatment. is all mind-reading and will keep you spinning in a world created by your thoughts and emotions.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
If you feel like you're playing games, don't play them.
I don't like it at all, but sometimes the counter-intuitive stuff does feel like game playing. I'm okay with that in a way if it's a strategy and it's real, but I am not okay with manipulating the sitch in general.
Originally Posted By: labug
Who does Patient Man want to be?
He wants to be someone who rubs his wife's back when she says it hurts.
BUT...if there's a real and important reason to NOT do it (rub her back or any other example), then I can understand that. I get that sometimes the strategy is counter-intuitive, but it's confusing.
Maybe some context will help.
I used to LOVE to do little stuff for my wife. This lasted from the day we met until I started getting really depressed. We have always been the touchy type together...I used to caress her hair when we were just friends, and she would always snuggle or rub my back. Anyway, after I was sick I just never WANTED to do that stuff anymore. I wanted to want to do that stuff, if you know what I mean. I recognized something was wrong.
After BD#1 and I got my perspective, all those feelings came rushing back to me and I just wanted to do stuff for her again. I remembered why I loved doing all the little stuff all the time and couldn't imagine why I ever stopped feeling that way. So during my year of pre-DR pursuit, I did as much of those little things as I could/she would allow.
BUT, I believe I turned into a bit of a doormat, and that isn't okay. So my post-DR "giving her some space" has been to try and be somebody who doesn't rush in and fix every problem she has. Just listen. Don't be a pushover. Don't be cake.
If you're a ballerina maybe you can follow this, so here goes: I don't offer to rub her back anymore, which is a 180 from the original 180 of rubbing her back all the time (after BD), which was a 180 from when I was depressed and never wanted to rub her back, which was a 180 from when I loved doing little stuff for her like rubbing her back.
If you followed along with me then you see I've come full circle, and I'm currently fighting the instinct to do the little things. I guess I'm creating space and showing her what life will be like without me there to take care of things, which I understand the point of, but hate all together. I LIKE taking care of her, and NOT doing so hurts, but I understand it.
Regardless of all my jibber jabber, I'm just going to be me. I'm just going to ask her if her back is still bothering her and if it is I'll do what I can to help.
The whole 180 thing is extremely confusing sometimes. I'm supposed to do these 180's, but not that particular 180...see...that's a test (or something).
So in summation, I'm going to rub her back this evening when I see her, and I can do it without turning into a doormat.
That's who PatientMan is.
Originally Posted By: labug
If what you're doing is expressing the new you, the man you want to be, then it will sometimes be uncomfortable, awkward.
It's very confusing to "be myself" and implement some 180's and other behavior modifications. Well...which is it? That isn't directed at you, specifically, it's just a venting of frustration.
I think being me most of the time is my answer, but I've got to figure out how to detach. I can't seem to accept that, or at least go through the process.
Originally Posted By: labug
This Also, I sense that she is "on" to the thing where I don't initiate contact. Before, she didn't realize what I was doing and she was being pulled in by me creating space. Now, it seems like she sees the trend and is reciprocating the treatment. is all mind-reading and will keep you spinning in a world created by your thoughts and emotions.
Excruciatingly guilty as charged.
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
Wow. I have extremely strong feelings of resentment this evening. I don't think I've felt this the entire time since BD1. I really don't want to be near her right now.
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
It's OK to have whatever feelings you have. Tomorrow you will have different feelings, that's why I try never to decide anything based on what I'm feeling at that moment in time. I wait until my higher brain kicks back in.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
