Bring It On 2013

[job]

BeingMe,
Unfortunately, I understand how you feel. The lies just keep on coming and are so natural for them when they are in mlc. I would venture to guess that he put the change of address in and didn't want to fess up. He never realized that they would contact him about it.

If you are thinking of leaving, where would you go? Do you already have some place in mind?

You've been doing so well w/his craziness, please take care of yourself and don't allow his craziness to drive you insane.

[BeingMe]

No place to go really, but I can find a place to rent. I will have to formalize our S or get the D going so I have money coming in regularly, since I don't have a job. Unlikely to get a job in this town.

I know he's lying, but I've come so far that I'm not going to call him on it. Don't care, as long as he pays me my alimony and funds my studying, he can lie and do whatever he wants. Just don't involve me. If he wants his mail going somewhere else, then so be it.

[BeingMe]

I am so cross at myself. I got into an argument with my H. I thought he was coming home on the weekend when I figured we might discuss the divorce. Would you believe he's not coming?! I quickly cooled down after we both hung up on each other. But, he texted and says he's switching off his phone, 'cause he can't speak to me right now. Okay, so he's off the grid, and I'm not. He's so selfish ... I never know where he is, but here I am, always here (mostly for the kids now). He says he's been depressed all day, but so have I. I had awful nightmares about him last night, and I woke up knowing he's not coming home. He will never be coming "home", and I need this divorce, and I need to get away from this house before I do something ... regrettable.

[Takevowsserious]

Hi being,

I'm in a cold medicine stupor, so forgive me if I'm not my usual self

Sorry you had that encounter with your H. I know how infuriating they can be. It's all " me me me" with them, they have such a hard time showing any empathy for others (especially their spouses!)

Don't be mad at yourself. Good, he can shut his stupid phone off. Less aggravation for you.

Just because he knows you're at home, doesn't mean you need to be available to him. I say definitely do not answer next time he calls, and wait awhile before you respond to a text.

Please do something nice or special for yourself. Maybe call a good friend and go out for a bit. I vote to go and get dessert somewhere!

Thinking of you

[BeingMe]

Thanks for responding, TVS. I did go out with a friend, and she allowed me to vent my frustrations. Poor her, but she has the same situation, so we vented to each other.

You know, while my "dear" H has been traveling the world, doing great things with his career, even leaving me for weeks on end during my cancer situation (at a time, I really really needed him), I was here in the house, that I didn't want. Stuck here because of my D20 (she will never know this, but she has told me that she feels she never had a real dad) ... I wish he could've spent a couple of years like that. It would've driven him crazy. Here I am, almost 8 years later, and I have had enough. He has finally driven me to the edge, and I want out ... now.

[job]

BeingMe,
I'm sorry your h isn't coming home this weekend. I know you had your heart set on sitting down and discussing the situation and divorce w/him. They do tend to have an extra sensitive radar about things and maybe he sensed this talk was coming. One never knows when you dealing w/someone in crisis.

I'm glad you went out w/a friend and vented. You needed an outlet for all of that steam that had built up. I hope you are feeling better today. I would sit quietly and wait patiently for him to return. After all, he can't stay on the run forever, he will need to return home and soon. I wouldn't ask him again when he's returning home...I would wait patiently and when he does return home, then sit down and have that conversation. You want to keep all of your cards close to the vest until he's back in the home where you can speak freely to him, eye to eye.

Until he returns, take care of yourself and do some fun things besides school work.

[BeingMe]

I should've read your post first, S. In the end I sent him an email. It was a long one. The first paragraph is below, thereafter I discussed the divorce:

C, I don't know why I was so angry yesterday ... I haven't been so in a very long time, and am somewhat embarrassed. I guess the hurt must still be mulling about inside. I intend to seek counselling ... I feel depressed and lonely so I think I do need the help. I don't blame you, I should know better. Anyway, you are living your own separate life now, and I need to do the same.

Then ended it with:

There are other issues to be discussed, but I think this is the bulk of what's important. Once all is in place, including the divorce, we'll only have to see each other sparingly, like at the odd wedding if any of our kids happen to get married.

regards, D


PS I think I've said this many times, but I do wish you happiness, and I hope you find the right person for you.

He has not replied, and I don't expect he will for awhile. That's his MO. I just want to get all this done. I'm tired of this craziness, from him, but also me. I really do need to see a psychologist or something. I've been having spiraling thoughts that go nowhere. Then, I wonder what life is all about and whether it's worth living it.

[beatrice]

I think it is all part of the depression and grief that comes at the end of a long marriage. I know you have been living separate while together lives, and I always thought that showed a special strength that I certainly do not have. So this is hard for you. He is in crisis, and will not feel things like you do. That may well come later for him.

I know when depression and loneliness strikes it is no consolation to count your blessings of a roof over your head and the chance to get an education and children that love you, but at times like this we often have to cling onto the good and let the rest go. It does get better, and I am here to say so, having had my own very very dark days.

We are not as detached as we think during the divorce, and it is not until we haven't seen or spoken to them in a long time that (for most of us) the detachment starts to occur. No expectations, of someone that can barely hold it together for himself

[BeingMe]

Thanks Beatrice. This is getting real ... fast. My head is spinning, and I did think I was very detached.

[BeingMe]

I received a reply from my "H". I have no idea if I should reply, or if I do, what to say?

D (my nickname), I'm going to keep calling you that, because above all I really wanted us to be good friends. There was too much sh*t keeping us from making it work as a married couple, but I hope that we can at least make good friends.

I am sorry I f*cked you around this weekend. I enjoy spending time with you hopefully as much as you enjoy spending time with me. I like coming back on weekends, but it may not be every weekend. This weekend I had the chance of a really nice apartment for when this one runs out but they could not let me wee it till they spoke with the tenant. They could not get hold of him Friday and then I could not get in till Saturday
afternoon. I'm really sorry. I just didn't want to end up in the same situation as with this one where I am looking for something at the last minute and am forced to take something that is less than perfect. I work in the week and its difficult getting around in the rain at night and most of the nice apartments are company owned with management that doesn't work at night. All you get is sh*tty basement apartments for the same price as a proper place.

It drives me crazy when you get so mad at me. You say things that perhaps you don't mean or perhaps you do, but they insult me to the core. The kids are adult and I don't have to be there to see them all the time. I want to see them as often as I can of course but they also have a life. Mel is often with friends and even last weekend when I was home Andrew didn't come and pop in. Not a big deal because I know he is busy.

Anyway, I am fine with what you have said below and I will be home over the weekend.

I wish you every happiness too, but I don't think I need another person. I need to be on my own for a few years at least. Not sure I can ever do this again.

xxx

Is he cake eating? Controlling me? Manipulating? I was digging up all the hurt of being left alone, essentially a single parent while he galivanted all over the world. I thought my sacrifice would be worth it when he comes home for good. Silly me! Funny how he can get a job so close by just when he doesn't want to travel anymore. I'm really seeing him now for the selfish person he is. How insulted should I be? I found a hotel bill with 2 guests. He will tell me, if I mention it, that we were S. Now he wants to be friends!!! My D20 grew up through her teens without a permanent father figure. I can see how much it's effected her. Funny, my S25 pops in all the time. I wonder what that could mean. We were here waiting for him to come home. And, when he was home, he was on his computer all the time. Agh! I just want to scream in frustration, but there's no point. I have enough friends, I want a husband who cares about me, but it won't be him. I don't need him as a friend.

I have to calm down. I was so insulted by his email.