You should do 180s that work for you and feel right to you, things you know you need to change. An occasional back rub won't seal the fate of your marriage but you might find down the line that you no longer want to do that.
The other aspect of DBing, you do what works. That seems a bit game-like but it's true of other aspects of our lives. We should always be evaluating and adjusting.
We just don't, we become complacent, unhappy and stuck.
You've been given a great opportunity to reset your life.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I'm not sleeping great, but I don't understand that question.
Originally Posted By: labug
It's OK to have whatever feelings you have. Tomorrow you will have different feelings, that's why I try never to decide anything based on what I'm feeling at that moment in time. I wait until my higher brain kicks back in.
I definitely caught myself and corrected it (act "as if" and be someone only a fool would leave), but it was just a weird feeling that I haven't had in this 15+ month process showing up out of nowhere.
Thanks for your replies!
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
Wow. I have extremely strong feelings of resentment this evening. I don't think I've felt this the entire time since BD1. I really don't want to be near her right now.
She was asking if you knew why you had such strong feelings of resentment. I was curious about that too. If your feelings were that strong then it's something you should try to journal about. You definitely don't want to hold onto resentment because that can lead to bitterness and blaming. Journaling helps to release those pent-up emotions.
Thursday I was at the house with the girls and just thinking about how I had to cancel something I wanted to do for myself so that she could work that evening. That got me thinking about how we are both RIDICULOUSLY busy trying to manage this new, more expensive life that has us separated and paying for two living spaces with associated costs. We're both working really hard, having very little time to slow down at all, yet we are in WORSE shape financially. It wasn't so much about the money - it's never been about the money for me - it's just that both of our lives are so hectic so we can TRY and figure out a way for this to work with us being separate. So much time and effort and energy, and so much less time and family stability and money to show for it. We went from making decent money to the point now where we aren't saving for the kids' college funds. I mean, what are we doing? The kids are spending countless more hours in the van or at her work so she can "support herself," and it's really hard on them. The whole family dynamic just plain [censored] and I don't want that for them.
That was the catalyst for Thursday.
Today it hit me again. I went on a campout with one of my daughters yesterday and we returned this afternoon. The campout was with a group of her/our old friends from before we moved this past summer as a result of the whole sitch. My daughter cried - and this isn't my crier of the bunch - and it just hit me again how difficult this is on them. I know that it is and the children are handling it better than I ever expected (and I'm SO proud of them for it), but it is still REALLY difficult on them. And my heart breaks for them too. They didn't ask for any of this. And when I know they're hurting I just don't want to hear that "kids are resilient...they'll be fine." I KNOW they'll be "fine," but I'm their dad and I don't want them to just be "fine." That isn't what the life I want to provide for them and the journey I want to set them off on.
Of course, I'm grounded in that I realized I pushed her so far that this life is a better option than a life with me. *Ugh*
I've had feelings like this before, but the love I have for my wife has always outweighed these feelings. The two times this resentment has happened over the last three days is the first time the love for her didn't outweigh the resentment and disappointment. And I found this resentment to stimulate something that hasn't happened before in my life with W: a feeling of NOT total attraction to her. It's a new and interesting feeling, to say the least.
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
You're so fortunate to have 4 intelligent beautiful girls. They are so lucky to have a caring father. You all are fortunate to have a roof over your head and everyone is healthy.
Do you see where this is going?
Make a daily gratitude list! It will keep the focus off of what W is doing to destroy your life and move the focus to what you have today!
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
Oddly enough, I didn't mind feeling resentful. Maybe it was just because it was something different...I'm not sure. I'm certain it isn't the healthiest means to do so, but it definitely helped with feeling "detached."
Thanks for the advice!
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
Living is making the best out of what we are handed each day.
PM I agree with Bug. This ^^^ is tough, however if we keep it as our focus, day by day, we can make our lives the best they can be despite what we are handed.
I hope you are well today. What a blessing to have your 4 lovely D's :-)
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
I am analytical by nature - I tend to get caught up and worry about the details too much, sometimes falling into a "paralysis by analysis" trap. I was just going to post some more history of my sitch to provide additional context and perhaps stir up more valuable insight from the casual observers who have the benefit of being removed from the situation and can thus more objectively opine. (Anybody with a problem and a thread here knows how appreciative the perspective of others on this MB is.)
But as I thought through what I was typing out I was able to step back from myself and see the bigger picture a little better. I want to get caught up in the specifics. "What do I do in this exact scenario given these exact parameters? Okay, what if this changes? Or this? Or that?" I'm trying to plan everything ahead of time to take any uncertainty out of this situation.
Well THAT isn't any good. Sure, it's okay to want to be well prepared, but am I learning lessons here or not? Is an important lesson that I can't control every situation and think of every possible scenario ahead of time, all the time? I think so.
I'll post more information regarding my and W's history, both pre and post BD, but I'm not going to get overly caught up in the analytics of it. As labug reenforced with me, I just need to be the person I want to be, first and foremost. There may be intricacies, nuances, and "ignore your instinct" specifics that I need to be cognizant of so I don't make foolish mistakes, but I just need to be me, and that's somebody only a fool would leave.
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
Patientman, I love this comment you wrote "W is the worst thing I've ever been addicted to
"She's the worst thing I've been addicted to"
Actually, I stole that^^ from a song called "Run Right Back" by The Black Keys. If you like old-ish Rock and Roll (i.e. "Classic" rock/late 60's-70's), then you'll probably like them.
Most people have heard of their main street songs off of the last two albums (Lonely Boy, Howlin' For You, Gold On the Ceiling, Tighten Up), but if you stop there you are missing out!
Great lyrics, great sound. Kind of like an early Led Zeppelin, Jimi Hendrix, blues-ey type of sound, especially the stuff prior to their most recent album, El Camino (which is still very good, it's just more produced and radio friendly). The first few albums were recorded in the drummer's basement in Akron, OH.
Don't miss these songs: 1) The Lengths 2) I Got Mine 3) Lies 4) Just Got to Be 5) Things Ain't Like They Used to Be 6) Sinister Kid
That's a good mix of fast and slow songs they have, though most have a very recurring and noticeable theme that you'll likely appreciate. Listen to an entire album...each one is REALLY good and they definitely make an "album" instead of just a bunch of singles thrown together.
Overall: great sound + great lyrics = best band in a LONG time
But that's coming from a man who like his classic rock.
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
