I think the thing you are missing bblake, is the "indifference" part that Grizz is trying to point out. If she was done, gone, forgotten about me and moved on, she would be indifferent. She isn't, at least not yet. There is "something" still there, good, bad or otherwise. That is the only point I was trying to make. I wasn't mind reading.
I have a phone coaching session tonight. I will journal what Chuck has to say about my sitch. I hope there is something he picks up on from the past month or so...
I think the thing you are missing bblake, is the "indifference" part that Grizz is trying to point out. If she was done, gone, forgotten about me and moved on, she would be indifferent. She isn't, at least not yet. There is "something" still there, good, bad or otherwise. That is the only point I was trying to make. I wasn't mind reading.
I have a phone coaching session tonight. I will journal what Chuck has to say about my sitch. I hope there is something he picks up on from the past month or so...
Good luck on your call!
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
I think the thing you are missing bblake, is the "indifference" part that Grizz is trying to point out. If she was done, gone, forgotten about me and moved on, she would be indifferent. She isn't, at least not yet. There is "something" still there, good, bad or otherwise. That is the only point I was trying to make. I wasn't mind reading.
No, I don't think I'm missing anything in the posts. Any effort to try to place rational thought with the actions of a WAS/MLCer is MIND READING - or at least wishful thinking. My W was never indifferent, and from what I've read yours isn't either - but both have said they were done and there's no chance to R - the love is gone. Yet both seem to respond to their environment and have shown ebbs & flows with the R.
Regardless of what what they try to tell you, there IS something underneath driving their behavior - and in most cases they may not even know what it is. And really, if you spend a lot of time trying to decipher their actions and ascribe meaning and rational thought to those actions, you may well be wasting time. That's why it's so important to work on yourself and not pay so much attention to what your W is doing or saying. I know it's not easy - a bunch of us here are living it right now...
Maybe your sitch is a one in a million and I hope for your sake it is. But I doubt that's the case as the odds are not in your favor.
Originally Posted By: suckerpunch
I have a phone coaching session tonight. I will journal what Chuck has to say about my sitch. I hope there is something he picks up on from the past month or so...
Well, Chuck didn't have a whole lot for me this time around. I pretty much got "keep it up". Chuck felt like I was making some really good progress, considering my situation less than 2 months ago. Soooo, I guess I continue validating, affirming and being upbeat and positive....I guess I will see where it takes me.
"W has also questioned people in our group about single women being present at out get togethers.
I am not remotely trying to guess why she is even concerned. Perhaps she's jealous. Perhaps she is remorseful. Perhaps she is looking for an excuse to do the same. I really don't know and probably never will.
I do know that if I was the one moving on, with the same feelings that my W expresses to have, I wouldn't have attended the Birthday party in the first place. I definitely would not have been hugging on her or rubbing her arm. plus, why on Earth would I get upset that other men were showing her attention. I would have already moved on...right?...EXACTLY!" _________________________ thing is, YOU TOLD HER TO DATE "If that's what she wants..."yet we all know it'll drive you nuts.
Even though it does NOT mean "true love" has found her even if she does date, your words were your "moving on" speech to her. You feigned indifference.
You SAID, in effect, (as I read it) that she's free to do as she pleases "since you two are just going to be buddies and all".
Remember?
Sure she may WANT to move on, she may feel the need to move on as a protective measure but she has not done it yet.
Don't push her anymore towards it than you're really ready for, which might be,
not at all ready.
be careful what you wish for...but all in all, I'm glad the party went well.
Do not take my comments to mean you should pursue. But please stop rubbing her nose in your newfound freedom or verbalizing how "cool" you are with "whatever happens". This is heart breaking and it should be...for both of you.
She did not feel very loved by you in the first place, and for good reason.
Just Don't confirm those fears or beliefs, okay? Show her the new improved you.
& Pay no attention to what she feels for the old you..
(maybe read Another Stander's posts again about how unattractive he felt to his wife, who is now different!)
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Sp thing is, YOU TOLD HER TO DATE "If that's what she wants..."yet we all know it'll drive you nuts.
Even though it does NOT mean "true love" has found her even if she does date, your words were your "moving on" speech to her. You feigned indifference.
You SAID, in effect, (as I read it) that she's free to do as she pleases "since you two are just going to be buddies and all".
Remember?
I understand what you're saying here. I didn't realize I would be pushing her towards dating by my comments. I also made it clear, at least I thought, that I wanted to take the time for us to heal and hopefully rebuild our relationship. Maybe my mind wasn't in gear with my mouth, or maybe I just wasn't clear enough. Either way, YES, I do not want her to date. That is my definitive answer. I obviously didn't realize that this is what I needed to tell her. I thought it would come off as pressure. With that said, any suggestions to get back on track?
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
Sure she may WANT to move on, she may feel the need to move on as a protective measure but she has not done it yet.
Don't push her anymore towards it than you're really ready for, which might be,
not at all ready.
be careful what you wish for...but all in all, I'm glad the party went well.
I won't push her towards dating at ALL. I didn't even realize that I was. I simply thought I was acting as if, and placing the decision on her, if she chose to do so. By no means am I wishing for that. in the future, if such an awkward conversation comes up again, should I be brutally honest with my feelings and tell her, "no I would rather you not date. I still love you and would like to reconcile. That is my wish, but you must make your own choices"?
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
Do not take my comments to mean you should pursue. But please stop rubbing her nose in your newfound freedom or verbalizing how "cool" you are with "whatever happens". This is heart breaking and it should be...for both of you.
She did not feel very loved by you in the first place, and for good reason.
Just Don't confirm those fears or beliefs, okay? Show her the new improved you.
& Pay no attention to what she feels for the old you.
I know pursuing her will more than likely push her away, even though my heart tells me to. This is heart breaking for everyone involved. I know this. I just don't know how to make it turn around. Chuck felt that I was making impressive progress, and I do honestly see some positive improvements in our interactions. I really need to work on my follow through and be dedicated to increasing my patience.
(maybe read Another Stander's posts again about how unattractive he felt to his wife, who is now different!)
That's just it. My W has never been one to initiate.
Neither has mine, so it was that much more of a shock to me when she started doing it. She must have overcome a huge mental roadblock to start that.
Quote:
She has been making an effort to be clear that we will "be friends", nothing more. She says she simply doesn't have the feeling of love for me any longer, says it's been gone for a long time and it is too far gone to get it back.
We both need to be reminded to get back to basics now and then Don't believe anything she says and only half of what she does. So she says she just wants to be friends. My W has said the same. It's nothing more than typical WAS script.
Quote:
then she gets drunk and stands next to me with her arm around me. It threw everyone for a loop. including me...Just confusing!
It's only confusing because you fell into the trap of believing what she said, right?
"(maybe read Another Stander's posts again about how unattractive he felt to his wife, who is now different!)" ... where did u specifically read about THAT? TX
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Don't believe anything she says and only half of what she does. So she says she just wants to be friends. My W has said the same. It's nothing more than typical WAS script.