Great input, AS! I guess I do need to get back to the basics and remember that my W is still very much a WAS. I need to think and act accordingly.
Waitingformagic, I think that reply was directed at a previous post on this thread, that AS made. It basically said, that the WAS doesn't want any atteraction to the LBS, so just pull back and wait. The WAS has to find that attraction themselves. You can't really make it happen. At least that is what I took from it, but perhaps I missed something as well. AS, do you care to elaborate?
"(maybe read Another Stander's posts again about how unattractive he felt to his wife, who is now different!)" ... where did u specifically read about THAT? TX
I think that was 25's comment that got carried over to SP's post. There's not really a specific thread that's in, it's something I've talked about in my threads as well as comments I've made in others' threads. But what she's referring to is after BD I felt unattractive not just to W, but to everyone. I spent 25 years basically shutting women down if they tried to flirt with me, so much so that I largely forgot how to interact with women other than on a professional level. I had become far too dependent on W for my self-esteem. Looking back I realize I needed a lot of reassurance from her. When she stopped offering it freely I started asking her for it, and I doubt that was very attractive to her! I needed no such reassurances from her when we met, I wasn't arrogant but I'd say I thought pretty highly of myself, LOL! I had gobs of self-confidence and I had no trouble attracting women without even trying. It took me months to get in touch with -that- guy again, but I found out that he was still in there.
After BD I felt old and unattractive, but I didn't dwell on it for long. I started hitting the gym hard, tanning, bought nicer clothes, cleaned myself up, bought new cologne, started getting my hair cut regularly instead of letting it grow shaggy. These things may seem superficial, but they did make me feel better about myself! And the better I felt, the more flirty I got, and the more attention I received. And yes, I did go out on dates, and found out that women don't see an old/ unattractive guy when they look at me; they see a mature, fit, handsome, stable gentleman that they are very attracted to. In fact I feel more attractive now than when I was in my 20's because I have a lot more life experience behind me now
Now I'm not saying anyone that's DB'ing should start dating, but for me it did restore the confidence and self-esteem that I had lost and I think that in turn got my W's attention. I don't know if we'll reconcile, but I do know she's been paying me a lot more attention in the last couple of months. Obviously I don't ask her for reassurances now (and I'll never do that again, that's just too clingy/ needy) but interestingly she does pay me compliments on my clothes and my physique now. And all of this in turn has supercharged my PMA and confidence
Again I don't want anyone to walk away after reading this thinking "I need to start dating!" What I want you to take away from my experience is that when we're at that low point after BD, the solution to the problem is to DO SOMETHING! Don't sit in the corner rocking and whimpering. Get out, GAL, lose weight, build muscle, change your wardrobe, get your hair done. Don't talk about it, do it! Get your mojo back, find yourself, remind yourself you had a good life before your spouse came along and you will have a good life in the future whether with or without them. THAT is the very thing that may attract the WAS back, and even if it doesn't, you'll be enjoying life regardless.
Great input, AS! I guess I do need to get back to the basics and remember that my W is still very much a WAS. I need to think and act accordingly.
Me too, my most recent thread is evidence that I struggle with this too! In my case I have to remember to drop those darned expectations!!
Quote:
It basically said, that the WAS doesn't want any atteraction to the LBS, so just pull back and wait. The WAS has to find that attraction themselves. You can't really make it happen. At least that is what I took from it, but perhaps I missed something as well. AS, do you care to elaborate?
Exactly, we can be Fabio and our WAS is going to see Ernest Borgnine. But if we make ourselves look better for US instead of the WAS, then it does wonders for our confidence, self-esteem and PMA and those things more than the physical attraction are what might get the WAS's attention.
It was the contrast between his w's comments ("so not attracted to him" etc)
with how things progessed and changed IN HER.
SP --if your w says "x" today, it does not make it true.
And even if she believes it, it does not make it true.
And even if it is "true", it can and will change...in time.
Wrap your brain around that my friend...look at how often YOUR emotions shift and jump...
now imagine wondering if she'll revert to her old ways, doing and saying the very things she said/did that made you leave in the first place. She fears you will revert to your old ways.
This is not complicated... you have to show consistent change over enough time to get her to believe in those changes.
Period.
I think dating will do the opposite.
But there's no harm in a LITTLE mystery.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I have no intentions of dating...not until I AM READY to date. When that time comes, this relationship will have to have been well behind me.
With that said, I totally get your point, 25yearsmlc. I have been really REALLY trying to keep a level keel and keep my emotions in check. Today and lastnight have been extremely difficult.
A mutual friend of ours lashed out at W for some of her recent actions. This friend simply felt he needed to speak his mind and set the record straight. I have asked him repeatedly through the months to please not discusss our marriage, but He flat doesn't approve of W's choices, nor the fact that she is still living here and allowing my family to support her. He didn't get form this opinion from me, even though we share the same feelings. Actually, most of our friends and family have expressed a dislike about W's choices. Either way, needless to say W started treating me oddly yesterday. We had been getting along pretty well. I asked her what was up, and she more or less put it all on me of course. During that, we had ANOTHER impromtu R talk while she was hammering me about friends words to her. I didn't initiate any of this, other than asking why she was being stand offish towards me. I feel that some really REALLY good points were made during our looooong conversation, but W's feelings did not waiver an inch. Suxks to be me....roller coaster time....WEEEEEEEEEEE!
i'm curious to know where you were when friend spoke to your wife about this and what did you say if you were present and what (if you did) comment about it later w W.
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
On the GAL side, daughter and I broke my chopper out of storage for the summer. We polished it up, and put in an hour and a half ride....longest one she has had to date. She never complained once, Her feet barely touch the rear pegs. Sooooooo fun!
i'm curious to know where you were when friend spoke to your wife about this and what did you say if you were present and what (if you did) comment about it later w W.
They spoke on the phone I think. I wasn't present. I just noticed W acting distanced and short again, so I asked her what was up. She told me about the conversation. I had no prior knowledge that they spoke. I reaasured her that I had nothing to do with their conversation. She felt I was stirring the pot, which was NOT. I also expressed to her that I felt it was BS that he even got involved or shared his feelings with her. She seemed somewhat accepting of that, but went into great length (AGAIN) about how done she is with our marriage. She sees nothing but the highway, and has no plans of turning back....same story she has been telling since day one. I am starting to believe her.
why not call your friend - in front of your w - and say how UNHELPFUL it was to your "cause"...? You get what he meant by it but it hurt the cause and the r you are trying to build with her.
And btw, it's NONE of anyone's business. Why is it that NO ONE spoke to me in 2 years like that about my h, unless I asked them to? And zero of them spoke to h without first clearing it with me?
You seem to have a lot of people sticking their noses where they don't belong and that is really odd to me. Is it a Jerry Springer neighborhood or what?
Most folks I know would not dream of saying something to an estranged couple b/c they'd have the sense to know it's a complicated delicate situation.
And YOU Made huge mistakes over time...stop forgetting that and stop your friends from only seeing your side of things.
or you will end up divorced. Then what? "Thanks BUDDY!"?? I mean, with friends like that, who needs enemies?
They are making her path home a lot rockier...
What would you do if your friend had spoken to her like that about ANY OTHER choice she made in life?
Wouldn't you stick up for her??
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
