AI didn't do it in front of wife, but I DID chew this friend out in a big way. I made it clear that he had no right to get involved or to be talking to her about our Relationship. I expressed this to W, then shortly after that during the same conversation, she says she wants to be completely free to do whatever she wants in life, that she hasn't waivered once, that she hasn't given me false hope, that she has been, for roughly 2 years, considering divorce, that she no longer loves me, is attracted to me and simply wants out. She already had the papers to fill out and she has been seceretly looking into buying a house as soon as I meet "her" terms of a divorce settlement.....that's pretty tough to DB out of.
A mutual friend of ours lashed out at W for some of her recent actions.
There's an implication here that you've been venting to said friend about your W's actions. How else would he know what her "recent actions" were? This is exactly why we should NEVER discuss our sitch with mutual friends and family, because they always butt their heads in thinking they're helping. But usually it does way more harm than good. I had to go find a new circle to discuss my sitch with, I reestablished friendships with three friends that I had not spoken to in years. None of them had any connection with W, so I knew it was safe to talk to them. Then to mutual friends and family, I just talked about GAL stuff, how happy I was, how great things were going, etc. If they asked about W I would just say that we were getting along fantastic but that we both were taking time and space to decide where to go from here and that is ALL I would tell them. If they pushed for more I would change the subject.
I have to agree. My sitch definitely took a turn for the worse when I talked to some mutual friends and W found out. That really pushed her off the cliff.
M 37 W 36 T22 M14 D8 D4 8/2012 distanced BD 11/2012 (likely wants D. Feelings have changed.) W move out date: June 8th.
I am guilty of the same. However, in this situation friend did not discuss this with me. He saw what was happening, felt that she was taking advantage of a situation and let her know how HE felt. Regardless, it worked in the same manner. The implications fell right on me and I paid the price.
W has now set forth to tell everyone of our friends that her intentions are to file and that she was already making arrangements. She has been searching for houses, gathering her divorce paperwork and preparing for the inevitible. She expressed to the friend, the one that vented on her, that I (suckerpunch) either had to cough up the support or turn a blind eye and continue allowing her to live in our current situation. It is kind of what I was suspiscous of....gut feeling. I don't know if I could have turned this thing around if I had started DBing better int he beginning, or if i had not done so much damage myself. Unfortunately, this one appears unsaveable. I will continue to keep on keeping on. I am handling myself better than I would have in the past. I have not lashed out at her or made any demands or accusations....and I just got home from a nice motorcycle ride, GAL....I guess we will know how this will all play out soon enough.
when I HAD to discuss where h was, or why, which mainly happened with neighbors or a teacher,
I'd say "he's 3000 miles away...Yeah, we're having a marital challenge right now, but I"m hopeful it'll sort itself out in time, AND thanks for your support"....
I never had people prying once I said that.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I am guilty of the same. However, in this situation friend did not discuss this with me. He saw what was happening, felt that she was taking advantage of a situation and let her know how HE felt. Regardless, it worked in the same manner. The implications fell right on me and I paid the price. which is why we say to Keep the Road Home, Paved & Smooth" which means, in part, STFU about our situations. I am amazed your friend thought he had the right to speak like that to her, especially if he knows how you treated her all those years....or did you not mention that part to him?
See, NOW she'll feel forced to discuss HER version of things to more people and regain HER self respect and repair damage to her reputation that he is apparently making look bad and THAT will cement both of you into more entrenched positions... W has now set forth to tell everyone of our friends that her intentions are to file and that she was already making arrangements.
how do you KNOW this??^^^ What does "tell EVERYONE" mean? And do you care if she tells people? I mean it can't feel good
but it means nothing to me.
Naturally now she is defending herself, (thank your buddy for that again) and of course she feels compelled now to prove that she was "RIGHT TO LEAVE" and not wrong, like your friend tried to make her out to be....
She has been searching for houses, gathering her divorce paperwork and preparing for the inevitible. She expressed to the friend, the one that vented on her, that I (suckerpunch) either had to cough up the support or turn a blind eye and continue allowing her to live in our current situation. It is kind of what I was suspiscous of....gut feeling. let me get this straight. You are STILL communicating with your "Friend"
and HE is telling you what SHE said to him?
And you think it's all accurate and a fair representation of what she said?
AND you think what she told him while she felt attacked by him/you, is never going to change???
Do you want to get a hot poker and stick it in your eye now? That will feel good...
I don't know if I could have turned this thing around if I had started DBing better int he beginning, or if i had not done so much damage myself.
yeah, I don't know either.
I DO Know that it's not over. I have family members who divorced and remarried. Stop rushing to give up. What MUST you decide today? NOTHING...
How does GIVING UP benefit you or your d?
This is your pride talking...can you hear it?
Unfortunately, this one appears unsaveable. I will continue to keep on keeping on. really? Tell me about how you're going to keep on...what does that mean? Be specific.
Remember "pay no attention to what they say and only half of what they DO"???
What happened to that mantra? I KNOW you've heard it 100 times...
I am handling myself better than I would have in the past. I have not lashed out at her or made any demands or accusations well, thank GOD For that. WHat "demands or accusations" are there to be made?
You want to REACT AGAIN
to something you think she said and meant every word of, and always will mean, permanently...NOW?
Why on earth can't you just GAL and focus on YOU and not worry about what she is planning?
You are not risking much financially by just staying the course.
Am I missing something? How are you being screwed with this situation?
....and I just got home from a nice motorcycle ride, GAL....I guess we will know how this will all play out soon enough.
exactly...so stay the course, you need "do" nothing.
Just be the NEW IMPROVED You and give her some dang time without someone confronting her about her private personal decisions.
And set a boundary NO "FRIEND" ought to talk to her again about her choices.
And you need to step up to the plate and 'splain' to your nosey buddy that you blew it in the marriage,she had good reason to leave
and NOW YOU are awake. The LAST thing you need is some other dufus losing HIS temper on her on your behalf -which is just what it looks like...and
when you are trying to show mature calm change, and the ability to resolve conflict in a loving healthy way, you need to own your role in how you got here, with ANYONE Like him so he shuts up...
for goodness sake, not one of my friends or family to this day, has told h off or said anything snotty to him back then...and believe me, they were tempted.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Dang, every time 25 slings some 2x4's at someone I get one or two of them right between the eyes myself just from reading the post, LOL! Thanks for keeping many of us on the right path 25
Dang, every time 25 slings some 2x4's at someone I get one or two of them right between the eyes myself just from reading the post, LOL! Thanks for keeping many of us on the right path 25
Agreed.
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
Once again, a fantastic post with lots of insight, 25!
What I meant by "keep on keeping on", was that I will continue to work on myself and make permanent changes for the better. I am not going to let this experience sink me. I won't become a bitter unhappy perspon because of this. I am going to work on my flaws, improve my attitude and become a better man. That much I am commited to.
You really hit the nail on the head regarding my pride. My pride is talking right now. Let me explain what happened that "friend" was so upset about and why he lashed out. Early on, just after BD, there was a pos OM in the picture. I am not sure if anyone recalls this, but it was a family member of a friend of ours. He was recently became a LBS himself. However, he was spending hours a day, at all times of the day and night speaking with my wife. I hardly know him. At one point he was even in MY house having dinner with my family, as well as his children. I foind that inappropriate and I confronted him. He assured me there was no funny business going on. I asked him to step back and no longer talk with my wife until our situation was sorted out. He agreed...then he continued to talk to her as much as ever. They were literally spending hours on the phone every at times like 1:00am. It just didn't "feel right" to me. After a few more interactions that seemed very suspect, I in no short manner, told him to get the F out of my life and if he knew what was good for him he better have ZERO contact with her.....that was around New Years. He was in my apartment, with my W and my child, along with his children this weekend. "Friend" found out about this and that is what started the recent fiasco. Now, I can live with W doing whatever she feels she needs to do. I CANNNOT deal with a man who gives me his word and then sneaks around my back. That is NOT going to happen on my property. It may be my pride, but right is right. What he is doing and how he is handling himself is wrong. Our "friend" hit my W right between the eyes with this and said she was being allowed to stay here and being given support by "suckerpunches" good graces. She should not disrespect that. This is pretty much the whole story.
What I meant by W telling "everyone" was, our close friends. It has been 2 days. W has told roughly 6 to 8 people about her intentions to file for divorce and move on.
