Feeling depressed. Just had to get it written down. Sometimes, just admitting it makes me feel better, to a point. Eh!
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
I'm sorry you are feeling down. I hope that things will be better for you soon.
I think some of the problem is that he's been nice to you lately and w/him still sharing the home, you might not feel as if you are moving on as you would have liked to. Is that it?
How are things going w/your classes?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
You are both right. H has always been nice, but distant. We are moving into the financial stage, and he's still nice, being ultra-generous, even gave me access to the business accounts. Something he seemed to not want to do in the past.
When we first got married, H told me that he would agree with his mother, then do what he wanted. So, I'm wondering if that's what's going on here. He's being pleasant to my face, but doing his own thing. Which would be okay, if he would not ask me out. I'm always tempted because I'm lonely, and dammit, he knows it. I don't have many friends here ... certainly not enough to be out and about on weekends. Now, my classes are winding down, I find I have much more free time on my hands, thus more time to think.
Here's a new issue that I never thought I would even entertain. H and I went to speak to the CA (the one doing our late taxes). We want to make sure this sort of thing doesn't happen again. We want the CA do all the accounting within limited boundaries. Anyway, he told us that being separated and my getting a salary from the business is better because it would pay into the Canadian pension, plus the medical, whereas, alimonies don't (Oh, just realized why I have access to business now ... I think I will be the secretary earning that salary ... he's already given me some instructions ... way to gain control again ... WTF, he's good). I wouldn't get any benefit being divorced. So, here I am, wondering whether a divorce is in my best interest. H doesn't seem to care one way or the other. In fact, it might be better for him if he was divorced, since he gets tax benefits from paying me alimony. CA also talked about getting wills once the properties are split ownership (rather than spousal ownership, or whatever the legal term is). I will definitely be leaving my estate (such as it is) to my kids.
This is probably why I'm feeling sick and depressed/stressed. I told him, okay, we can remain S, for now, but we must revisit this issue in a year's time when I graduate (although, I'm giving it a lot of thought right now, and will consult my lawyer to find out what she thinks is best).
He should stay at his rental apt. and come "home" once a month. It worked for me when he did this before. I felt much better.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Forward, I am making it harder on myself. I doubt it's hard on him ... he has his separate life where he works, and I am at home all the time, except when at uni. As I posted, he should stay there most of the time. He has told me many times, that he wants to be friends, and it seems he's making it hard for me not to.
Snodderly, you always hit the nail on the head. I do feel somewhat trapped. Thankfully, I have a writing retreat in the first week of May, and will be going to C-city end July, and whole of August. I will continue writing, and getting my book finished. Got 3 chapters done.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
BeingMe, You don't want a divorce, and that's fine. I have read this many times, anytime it gets close to a divorce, you find some reason to wait. First it medical, now its this.... Again, no problem, but I think you need to learn how to live with things, because its not going to change and you are going to have to make the most of it.
BH, of course I don't want a divorce (well, I do, and I don't for various reasons). Who does? It's so easy to not go down that road while H is being nice, which he always is. He just isn't emotionally 'there' and doesn't want a 'real' marriage. I must, as you say, have to live with things as they are. Sometimes, I find it easy, but other times, it's hard when one wants the support of the man you've been married to for so long. Also, if he had been mean, horrible, and spending all our money on junk or OW, it definitely would've been an easy choice to make. He didn't and this is why I'm still here.
Sometimes, I wish he had been cruel, but when I read about the experiences of those whose H/W were so, it caused so much pain and sorrow, that I'm glad he didn't go that route.
Thanks for your input. You're always so levelheaded.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
BeingMe, I think you are missing my point. You and I both know you aren't going to get a divorce. I'm not putting you down by saying that. You and your H have been doing this cycle for 9 years. Your H knows this too, that's why he keeps doing the same things over and over. He knows when he goes a little far, then he brings you in close enough to stop things. Again, I'm not putting you down, but that's they way it is. I really think you should focus your energy dealing with things as they are and not wasting your energy on things that you aren't going to do.
Well, I'm in counseling now, so I can figure myself out, since everyone seems to know better what or not that I'm going to do or not (you're not the only one, BH. I have RL friends who also know me, better than me). Hopefully, it'll help.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
BeingMe, You are right, I don't know you, I couldn't pick you out in a crowd of two. LOL All I have to go on is what you post on here. According to what you have posted, you have told us that your H pays little to no attention to you, is rarely home, has told you multiple times he doesn't love you and doesn't wish to be married, you suspect OW or multiple OW. BeingMe, your H is a master manipulator and control freak. He knows how far he can push, and he also knows how to reel you back in. I also think you kinda play into his hands. I think your divorce talk is a way to get him to pay attention to you. Once you start doing that, he comes home a little more and he invites you to do little things with him and before you know it, you have put off the divorce for one reason or another. Guess what happens after that? Your H starts getting more distant and the whole process starts over..... See what I am saying here?
