Thanks labug. Lots of self reflection that I'm trying to process.
H is on road trip with his mother now and doesn't seem to be having a good time... I'd like some advice on how I can support him or even if I should?
I asked if he was having a good time & he replied 'wouldn't really say good... satisfactory'.
The man that left almost 1 year ago never would have gone on a road trip with him mother! Never in a million years. In the past, I would have supported him by taking his side against his mother (sounds mean spirited, but she is pretty intolerable). I can picture him stuck 4 states away with her and I just want to tell him that I love him and to come home! But I can't do that either. He doesn't want to hear any inspirational bs from me. I guess I'm trying to figure out what my role as LBS is and how I can offer support. Or maybe I shouldn't because he didn't ask for it.
Maybe just praise his willingness to go at all? Is that condescending?
Very interesting set of posts, reb. Your setting yourself and others to high standards is something I can relate to. It can be a real trap sometimes. It does tend to shut off our empathy. It's a good topic to meditate on, I've found.
I understand you're looking for remorse from him. I guess I wasn't so much arguing that it might not come, but that it won't come in the order you'd like. You might need to work on your R awhile before you can be open enough with him about how this hurt you, in a way that he doesn't feel defensive about it.
Great you could share you health issues with H. This didn't sound easy to do. Why did you decline H's offer to accompany you? Maybe it's too soon, but this seems like an area you could continue to repair the bond between you.
I like your idea of praising his willingness to go on the trip with his mother. You sound impressed with his maturity. Just tell him that casually; don't overdo it. He gave you an opening by admitting it's not a great time, but his reply makes it sound like he is trying his best.
H: 38 xW: 38 M: 16 T: 18 S: 9 BD: 2/2012 W moved out 4/2012 D: 11/2012
Are you guys jokey at all? Can't recall Reb...if so, you could that you admire him and are currently putting in his application for sainthood... or just say that it is a wonderful gift he is giving his mother and you like that
I'm saving your 'wonderful gift to your mom' comment for tomorrow on mother's day. Thanks IO!
thanks azguy, I appreciate the perspective about things not coming in the order I would like. Doesn't mean it won't happen, I can roll with the punches a little more there.
I screwed up co-parenting 101 today. I allowed D15 to go see a movie with a boy she likes and the boy drove. We've been very protective (overbearing?) with our girls, so it's a bit of a big deal but I've known the kid for awhile and I made him call his dad & I spoke with him on the phone & grilled him about boy's driving & I felt comfortable.
D15 goes on her way and then I realized I didn't ask H his opinion. I texted:
Me: D15 went to movie with boy this afternoon. I let him drive, he's 17. I talked to him in person and made him call his dad so I could talk to a parent. It sounded fine. Should've asked you first sorry.
H: There's nothing I can do about it here (on road trip still) but yes I would have liked to have known. But now I do. What are they seeing? You'll ask what it was about when she gets home?
Me: The movie is okay, they're seeing iron man. It's the him driving I was worried about! I had to make a decision there, thanks for understanding.
Then I opened the mail and he sent me a bday card. Very nice, just a funny comment & his name signed. It'd be so much easier if he were a jerk...
Going to bbq tonight with new friends, running my first 5k tomorrow super early and it's mom's day - making kids come with me
Weird thing today too... got fb request from H's uncle. H used to be very close to his uncle, hasn't been for years. But now he's on this road trip and seeing lots of relatives.
H's been fb friends with uncle for years but I never have because I don't usually request people and I don't have a personal relationship with him.
But (mind reading) uncle must know i'm the ex? Why fb request me now? Were they talking about me?
haha oh well it doesn't matter. I accepted the friend request because 1) I have nothing to hide 2) let uncle see the fabulous family his nephew is throwing away. :p
I ran my first 5k today and had a really great time. My girls were there to support me for Mother's Day. H texted this morning happy mom day and he asked later in the day how the race was.
D15 took pictures and posted on fb and by this evening I'm wondering if H saw. H closed his fb account in march but reactivated it yesterday. I only know this because a general post from him came on my feed. The old me would've never wanted to run a 5k, I would've been too embarrased or insecure. I am super proud of myself and unfortunately still have the desire for H to be proud of me too.
Whether H sees the photos or not, I don't know, because he doesn't 'like' anything or make a comment. I didn't expect him to. But I was really taken aback by his instantly 'liking' the OW posts today. He's only on fb for less than 16 hours and he's already publicly having contact.
Our communication has been improving and he said he wasn't closed to considering our marriage. It was just easier to believe when I had no public proof of their contact. Of course, now I'm assuming that contact never ceased and that he probably lied to MC when H was asked if that relationship or any others continue and he said no.
To top it all off, I'm hugely feeling sorry for myself because I allowed expectations to enter the day. He reactivated his fb just lastnight and I naively hoped maybe he had to wish me happy Mother's Day. Instead I get no credit for being left to raise his girls and he fawns over OW pics. I'm overdramatizing there, it as one like on a pic. But it stabs like a knife.
How do I set this aside for now? Everything in my head is warning me to be prudent but my heart is angry and hurt. I've worked very hard in the last few months establishing friendship and I don't want to be friendly anymore because of her.
Don't beat yourself up, you're human, realize that you're sad, don't try to push it away but recognize that it will pass.
You're doing a lot of storyweaving about what he's doing and why he's doing it. When you notice yourself doing that, ask yourself, "What are the facts?"
How about reconsidering who you're friends with on fb? You control fb, don't let fb control you.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Thanks bug. I think I figured out this morning that I'm disappointed in myself for feeling that fb leash around my neck again. Ive been checking fb now every hour looking for updates or signs of his activity. It was nice to have a break from that torture. I didn't appreciate how nice it was! Now my instinct to monitor and feel monitored is back. I can't unfriend him, it would send the wrong message. Both of our accounts still say 'married' and all of his pics of me and our family are still on his profile with his loving comments from a year ago. Really messes with my head. Thanks for reminder, I ALLOW It to mess with my head so it's my choice to not be affected.
Had MC last night. Dr asked for updates between us, nothing really. He reviewed our originally objectives, asked me if I was still willing to work towards new R and I said yes. He restated H's original objective of just improving his R with dds and if that was still correct, H said yes R with dds is his primary focus but he is now 'not closed' to a R with me.
Then the entire rest of the session was spent on him and 'trust recovery' model for dds. dr was really good and asked 'you see how this same model could be used in your relationship?'.
I think I understand now that H's R with dds will need to be mended before H will truly be open to R with me. And I take responsibility for a lot of that reasoning. I called him a sh!t dad right before he left and I know that hurt him deeply. So here we are, almost a year later, and he's trying to understand how he can finally make an attempt to heal with dds.
But, maybe it's because the topic is my dds, I'm having a really hard time 'buying it'. I know I need to give the guy a break, but I'm feeling so little emotion from him. And I am now understanding that I don't want and won't accept that same no emotion R in the future. In a sad way, I'd love to see him torn up about R with dds, crying 'what can i dooo?'. That's not going to happen. Instead he's making lists and trying to understand the steps. It's a good start I just need to remember that I'm further along in the healing and he's at the beginning line.
I'm feeling a general resistance from H emotionally and I don't understand why... I just need to continue showing positive changes.
