And what else have you been doing? There are no guarantees in any program. If your W left you for the other man, there are just those times when the WAS feels that she would be happier with someone else. However, what she fails to understand is that happiness comes from within and not from an external person. That is HER choice and is not any consequence of Db.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Hi all, time for an update. News of the day: I have been served.
At the beginning of August I returned from my latest business trip. Since then I have been working for three days per week at one end of my country and have spent the remaining days in the family house with the kids, at the other end of my country. This means two flights per week. (Before BD I had never flown, yet another 180.) I enjoy my job and I enjoy the time with the kids even more. I have reached a separation agreement with W: I keep the house and she needn't pay me any spousal support. Since she earns 3x as much as I do I give her a major six-digit sum.
The kids continue to be sad about the separation but they also discover advantages. W was controlling, without her the kids enjoy the freedom they have with me. - I spent two weeks of autumn holidays with them visiting many places in our city. They told me that we had more trips in these two weeks than in the 1.5 preceding years with W/OM.
There are many more 180ies. For instance, I often played soccer in my spare time during high-school. After high-school I stopped playing. Ever since W entered my life (1983) I hardly did any sports on my own because I wanted to be together with W as often as possible, that's what I thought would be the right thing to do. Now, after a break of three decades, I have started to play soccer again, once per week with my colleagues. What fun it is. I am about twice as old as many other players but I can keep up reasonably well.
W continues to live with OM and with my/our kids from Sunday evening to Thursday evening. No sign of an affair end. He has also been served. I am in regular mail contact with his ex-W.
I can't say that I am happy but neither I am very sad. Apart from BD the big shock was when W moved in with OM in September 2012. The upcoming divorce just adds a piece of paper. That's what I'm telling the kids: nothing will change for them after divorce. They often state they would prefer to live with me all the time. They don't like staying in the W/OM flat. The problem is that I can not find a job in my own city easily and that W would probably put up a fight if I reduced her kids' time to less than it is now, basically a 50/50 arrangement. I expect that the kids will gravitate more and more towards my place as they grow older (D10/D10/S8).
In the divorce filing my wife claims that we agree that our marriage has failed irretrievably. I am not hiring a lawyer and have written a response to the court myself. I am contradicting this point and explain that I don't consider the M to be failed but that I don't challenge the filing. (In my country a challenge prolongs the separation time from one to three years.) I also mention that W wanted a divorce before, a decade ago. At that time she retracted her application on the day of the final court meeting, one hour before the divorce became effective.
Hi Longrun I just read all your posts and they break my heart.
My wife had an EA that I am not sure when it went PA. We knew each other 30 years when it started as of today it is 32 years and in June we will have been married 28. My WAW says many of the same things yours did. My WAW also fell for OM who is a Tour Guide and what she likes is his life and her new found attraction to our religion and his culture. They are calling his home 6000 miles away their apartment.
The only difference is she stopped the Collaborative Divorce to move back into our home for an in-home seperation for financial reasons. While she is still with the OM (CAKE EATER)
Her original plan was to hide the affair and to stay with me until S-15 Graduated HS. But the third time he was visiting after I though we were OK, I confronted and she bolted. Claimed he convinced her I would hurt her. Well if so, why is she coming home.
I really want to R, I just don't know how to handle her moving home. When I saw her favorite teddy was gone that she claimed she bought for me, I was nauseous. I should have thrown it out. I believe she took it to surprise him on his last day in the USA next Wed. They actually went to his country for 14 days and her Birthday in March and now are visiting friends of his in another state that are supporting the Affair and hate me.
I guess I am telling you this to tell you I feel your pain. There are days that I don't want to R, and then days I fear if we do it wont last and she will return to him again.
How are you feeling these days? Did you have the same ups and downs? Are you feeling ready to move on?
I really felt for you when I read your thread. I was hoping it said you were back together...I am soo sooo soooooooooo Sorry for you.
Take Good Care!!
W 53 H 51, S 16, S 21 33 years M 28 DD 3 Feb 11, 2014 S21 and His Fiancée move in with us 8/14 http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...965#Post2477965
Thank you for your post and sorry for taking so long to reply to you. Interesting to see the parallels between our situations. It helps to see that not only one's own spouse acts strangely but that there are many common patterns in other relationships.
In my case time has progressed - I am now officially divorced. At least there has been no hostility between me and X which is good for the kids. Shuffling them weekly back and forth between my and my X's place is tedious and the kids hate it (there's always something left behind at the other place) but at least X is cooperative. I have seen much worse examples here.
My job keeps me very busy, add taking care of the three kids for half of the week all by myself then there is no spare time left.
Right now I have been sent abroad once again and although the trip brings its own challenges I finally have some time for myself to post this update.
You asked how I am feeling - surprisingly balanced. Yes, there is a bit of sadness about the end of the marriage but now it's only a faint pain compared to the beginning. My priorities now are my kids, my health and my job and I try to care for them as best as I can.
I am very relieved that the divorce is no shock for the kids. Actually I am proud how well they take the whole development. They have not deteriorated in school, keep their old friends and find new ones.
Many of the posters I watched when I started here are gone. It seems that after 2-3 years most people move on. I post this update so that people can see a complete story.
My lesson for newcomers would be: cope with the pain as well as you can. The chances of a reconciliation are not good. But instead of scheming how to improve your odds it's better to focus on your own life. In the long run your personal progress will outweigh the pain of the separation.
Update: divorce is now more than half a year ago. Today I learned accidentally that XW is planning to marry OM this month. I did a decent job DBing during the past three years ever since OM entered the picture. But today I couldn't help myself and wrote a mail to XW asking her not to invite our kids. Too bad I am on a remote business trip for several weeks and can't talk to my kids in person before the event. But I wrote to them about it and that they should decide honestly for themselves if they wanted to attend and that I would accept either decision.
