My journey... for now.

[MrCAS]

I just got off the phone speaking with my in-laws. I apologized to them for the things that I said and did before I left. I told them that I was sorry for casting my wife in a less than honorable light. I told them that what I said was fueled by anger.

They did tell me that they thought that some of the things I said were very mean and hurtful. They appreciated that I took ownership of what I said and did. They told me that they would not get involved in the relationship between me and my wife.

One of the things that I've always appreciated about my in-laws is that they never did get involved into my marriage. They always took a position as a sideline observer. They were glad that I was getting help for the issues that I have.

They wished me luck in all my future endeavors. I have to admit that the words that they used made it sound like they are convinced that divorce is inevitable. I told them it felt like I have been in a dream for the last couple of years and I just woke up. Not too sure they understood what I meant but it is what it is.

I'm really not too sure how to come away from this conversation. They were very non-committal in their choice of words. They asked about my job and how I liked it down here. I told them that I was planning on moving. They said that they hope that I ended up somewhere where I was going to be happy. I told them I know where I need to be without saying where. They didn't seem too surprised and I think that they know.

I did speak to my father-in-law alone. He reiterated that they were taking a position of spectators. I told him that I was not expecting them to be involved. I told him that I appreciated their support.

So I got something marked off my list of things I needed to get done. My mother-in-law told me that they both forgive me for what I did. They really thought that it did take a lot of courage for me to call them. When the phone was ringing I have to admit that I did feel sick to my stomach.

Man, do I miss them guys.

[MrCAS]

I started going to a new church. It's nice non-denominational church not too far away from my house. There are other ones that are closer but for some reason this one spoke to me.

When I got to the church and I was sitting in the Chapel, one of the Pastors came up to me and started talking with me. All of the sudden I noticed that one of my customers from my job was there. I took it as a sign from God that I was in the right place. During the conversation that we were having he offered to sit with me during the service. His wife came in and joined us.

After the service, another Pastor came up and was having a chat with us. He asked me why I came down to South Carolina. I told him it was because I was running away from my wife. He kind of chuckled and said he could understand running away from Minnesota. I told him I know that I was really running away from my wife. My buddy seemed a little taken back by my honesty as was the Pastor. I still am wondering where those words came from. I was admitting to these people that I had a character flaw. Cripes.

When my buddy and I were along yes me if he could pray over me. I told him absolutely. So he prayed for me and my wife and our marriage. It was really quite comforting.

I find it difficult to put all my worries in God's hands. I sometimes think that He has enough other things to do. Certainly, He has better things to do than watch over a wretch like me. LOL! However, I believe that He loves me and I know that I love Him.

[MrCAS]

Saturday night I was having a very deep conversation with a good Christian friend of mine. We have helped each other through some really crappy times together. She is the one that worked me through my panic attack couple weeks ago. She has been a God sent blessing.

During this conversation I told her something that I had only told to two other people in my entire life.

I was a member of the youth group during the 70s and early 80s. We had an adviser that was well respected in the group. He was involved on a local level as well as at the state and international level. He was held in very high esteem by the organization as a whole

He helped out a lot of us guys with money and the co-signing of loans for education and cars. It also seemed that he took a special interest in the select handful of us. He rewarded good grades with cash and special trips. He also had his own sense of punishment for when we messed up.

I honestly can't speak for the other guys , because it wasn't something that we discussed amongst ourselves, and there was no freaking way I was going to reveal any of it. After all who was going to believe it? What my punishment was something that he called fun and games. I really won't delve into the details of each punishment and they didn't involve touching but they were always done in the nude.

He would always sit in his reclining chair and pretend that he was doing paperwork while these punishments took place. During the course of each punishment he would pull out his Polaroid camera and take pictures. He always reassured me that these pictures were never shown anybody else. I am not sure if I truly believed him or not. I know is that when I was driving home from his house I always felt like I needed to take a shower and scrub that filth off of me. This crap went on for approximately three years.

Several years later I was at a meeting that he was that. I was helping the boys breakdown the room and put their paraphernalia away. When we were alone he said that it had reminded him of one of my punishments which was cleaning my room. Not that he mentioned it but this was always done in the nude. I told him that it was not one of my fondest memories.

Several days later he called me and asked me to meet him for dinner. During dinner he mentioned that what I said to him set him back. He then tried to reassure me that there was absolutely nothing sexual about what had happened. What crossed my mind was that if that was indeed true then why did you feel the need to mention it? I called BS on that one.

The other two people in my life that I had mentioned this stuff to was my best friend KP and my twin brother. While KP was shocked by this revelation and offered me true heartfelt understanding, my brother became infuriated. He told me that I was full of crap and that I could've always have said no.

Really? I could have? Huh. I know why pedophiles now get away with this stuff for years. Fear. Shame. Anger. Did I mention fear and shame?

My brother had always idolized this guy and placed him on the same pedestal that he placed my father. It made me angry that he did not believe a word I said. Instead he told me that if I ever said anything about it again he would pump the crap out of me. He would expose me for being a liar.

This guy was a lawyer. He was a partner in one of the biggest law firms where we lived. He had a long and illustrious career. He was extremely well-off and really look forward to his retirement. He had made many plans including a six-month trip to Scotland and a tour of the UK. A month before he retired he stroked out. This guy was now reduced to someone who was two steps above drooling and peeing himself

I will admit that when I heard about what it happened that I was not very upset. In fact, I laughed about it for quite awhile.I figured that karma had just given him the royal rock shot. I then felt guilty about feeling this way. Even though I felt he deserved it I really thought that it was wrong to revel in someone else's misfortune.

I have carried this anger and guilt inside of me for over 30 years. I never really knew what to do with it and I had always stuffed it inside me as deep and as far as it would go. It never seemed deep enough. It always seem to rear its ugly head at the most inopportune moments. It would then set me into a mood so foul that it seemed to be beyond comprehension.

So now I am dumping it here. It is time has and I am letting this go. Being exposed to the daylight will render it lifeless. I honestly didn't know where I was going to find the forgiveness for this man. He died a couple years ago so telling him to his face was not an option. So, we had a a good one sided chat. I told how I felt and then I told him I forgave him. I know I needed to forgive myself for the guilt that I had and I have. My friend really help me through that Saturday night.

As Paul Harvey would say... Page 3.

[Breakdown]

MrCAS....I applaud you for calling your inlaws and owning your choices, and apologizing. It sounds simple, but I think we all realize it was extremely difficult, and signifies a lot of growth.

With regards to your story...I'm in awe that you have opened yourself up that much. Those are some deep deep wounds, and I think opening up is the first step to healing. Sometimes we carry the most difficult things with us through our life, without realizing we can let them go. I'm glad you chose to let yours go.

But to get it all on the table, have you forgiven yourself?

[MrCAS]

Yes. I could not have spoke to my in-laws and genuinely asked them for their forgiveness without forgiving myself. The more I think about the person I was am who I think I truly am, I know in my heart that wasn't me. The real me.

I know the task in front of me is daunting. I know I have a whole lot of work to do. I have to fix me first.

The things that I have done in the last three months have been the hardest things I have ever had to do. It hurts. It is numbing. It is straining.

I only hope that my work will inspire others to bigger and better things.

[uRworthy]

M, good on you for calling your inlaws.That took a lot of strength and courage. Try not to mindread what they may be feeling or thinking, though, ok?

As far as what happened when you were younger, that was very inappropriate and I am so sorry you had to endure that. But I applaud you for sharing the story. I am sure it wasnt easy.

I know that your journey, in some ways, has just begun.

Try not to look at the whole thing because that can be scary and daunting. Best to take small steps.

You can do this, M. We will be there to help.

[MrCAS]

There are several reasons I share this stuff. Some of it is so people can understand where I am coming from. A lot of it is to get it out. Getting it out in the open helps me.

I appreciate the help. Trust me.

[uRworthy]

Whatever it takes, M. Whatever it takes.

Getting it out in the open is very powerful. That's for sure.

Good for you.

[MrCAS]

Talking to the in-laws today took a load of crap off my plate. Them telling me that they forgave me almost made me cry. A couple of times during the conversation, I started choking up.

It is hard to try and not look at the big picture after having tunnel vision for so long.

[uRworthy]

M, I can only imagine what it felt like to speak with your inlaws. I am glad it provided you with some relief.

I think tunnel vision and taking things slowly and in small bites are two different things, ya know?

You have alot to sift through. A lot to understand and figure out. And if you try to get ahead of yourself, it might really slow you down.

So, you are looking back to your past. Seems like your childhood and teen years will yield a lot of information.

A lot of anger and confusion from there, it seems.