DBing European Style, part 2

[Papa4Life]

It's not the end of the world. It just feels like it

I'm actually doing quite well. I focus on the good things and do what I have to do. I am still optimistic about the future, with or w/o W.

I would like to stress to anyone who reads this post and has apprehensions about. Their sitch, please don't give up hope. Don't look at my sitch as symbolic of some... I dunno....inevitable outcome to your sitch. Listen to what people tell you here. Do not think that it doesn't apply to you, because inevitably you will come to the conclusion that it DOES apply to you. Yes, YOU!
Whe there are no guarantees in life, you can swing things drastically in your favor if you follow the advice the vets give you here.

I haven't given up hoping. You shouldn't either.

[longrun]

P4L, that's a knightly post.

I wager that your kids will be ok. At least in my situation my impression is that my kids (about the age of yours) have adapted to the separation situation after a year better than I have.

[bustingout]

P4L I am sorry that you had to tell your kids. I hate that our sitchs touch our children the way they do. I think with a father like you though, they will be supported and cared for and validated and loved. I am not giving up on you and your kids.

And I like what longrun said...you wrote a knightly post...

[Papa4Life]

Thanks very much for your responses, longrun and busting. The kids are doing okay. They seem to want to talk about the logistical side of things: whether they are going to have to move, where will I be moving, will we go on vacation together, that kind of thing.

It also turns out that W discussed b-day parties with the kids, and told them that "of course", I would come to family functions and parties and things.

I told her that, for my own protection, I can't be "friends" with her, although I would do my best to co-parent with her. Still, I know I can't be a part of her family's get-togethers, because I need to move on with my own life. I mentioned it to the kids, and they seemed to understand. I'm going to keep talking and, more importantly, listening, and I'm hopeful that we can work out these details.

[Papa4Life]

So, as it says in my signature, we're working on the settlement agreement. I've been trying to communicate with my STBXW about the details, but telling the kids has left me shaken and I've been going out to get my mind off things.

As usual (alas) W's main focus has been on the two main negatives for me: i.e. my attending her family functions and my mom.

W has been telling the kids that, of course, I will attend birthdays and holidays with her family. But I told her that I do not feel comfortable doing that. I'd much rather focus on making a new life here, and tbh her family never demonstrated much interest in me. Which is fine, I'm just some foreigner who didn't share a lot of the same traditions and my accent is funny here and there. So I would rather just wish them well and get on with my own life.

I lovingly set that boundary, but W is having difficulty accepting it.

The issue with my mom is also rough. My mom has, through most of our M it seems, been harboring a degree of resentment against W for never wanting to talk to her when she calls. W says language was the issue, but as mom points out, language was also an issue for me with W's family.

I urge mom to forgive W, but it hurts her. W mentions calling my mom, but my mom has made it clear she has no interest. Seems like one more thing W will have to learn to live with.

[sandi2]

She should not be telling the kids you will continue to be at her family functions. Part of it is trying to soothe the kids and give them some type of assurance that things will not be that different after the D. She doesn't want to appear to be the bad guy with them.

The other reason could be what a lot of WAW's have, which is an unrealistic view that life will continue without too much interruption......in other words, she wants to eat cake.

By no means should you even consider taking part of her family events. You do need to part ways and move on. Besides, once she has another man standing by her side at her family events, I'm sure you would not feel very welcomed.

I have been keeping up with your thread, just haven't said much. I think you give good advice to newcomers. Keep up the good job.

[Papa4Life]

Thank you, sandi, for your valuable advice. I've been posting on other threads so much, that I seem to be neglecting my own thread. But then again, there's not much to report - my W has her heart set on a D, and while I don't share that goal, I'm okay with it.

You are right about W's motivations for telling the kids that I would still come to family functions. She did want to reassure the kids. But then again, in the very next breath she told them that we each take a week with the kids at the campground where we're heading on vacation, but then again maybe she's planning to have someone else come along, who knows? I couldn't care less, really, because I always have a great time on vacation with the kids. I play things by ear, she wants to plan everything, and then the kids just complain about being dragged to the local tin figurine museum when all they really want to do is spend every waking moment in the pool!

It all goes back to what you wrote about not expecting things to change post-D. When we talked this past weekend about the whole issue of family functions, she opined that co-parenting means being friends and doing things together for the kids. I just had to smile sadly and tell her that we can never be friends. That in order to move on with my life, I have to pull the curtain on this part of my life and keep moving forward.

She actually cried a little, saying that she feels herself being pulled in so many directions at once by people telling her what she should do. For a second there I wondered if she meant that she felt that someone she had been getting advice from was actually manipulating her somehow, but it immediately dawned on me that what she probably meant was that perhaps people have been telling her that her expectations are unrealistic, but she doesn't want to stop working to achieve them so that the new situation will be easier on her.

On a separate note, I dreamed last night that I did something selfless and 'saved' my W somehow and that she was grateful and wanted to be just boyfriend/girlfriend (paging Dr. Freud!). When I woke up, I realized that today would have been our 12th wedding anniversary.

It's like that old Smiths tune, "Last night I dreamt that somebody loved me". No hope, no harm. Just another false alarm.

[sandi2]

Well, I know today must be a really tough one! Do you feel like getting out and doing something for yourself.......as in GAL?

[Papa4Life]

Out of curiosity, I asked W if she knew what day it was today. "Uh... the 21st? 22nd? No, may 23rd. "And...?"

She forgot it was (would have been) our 12th anniversary.

It's no big deal, really. She never remembered it in the past. She would come home to flowers, cards, gifts, candles, her favourite meals, handmade presents from the kids. "Oh... Is that today?"

One time, she even said "I forgot about it all day, and when I thought about it as I was getting off the train I just thought, 'Ah, it's such a hassle to pick something out', so I just said forget it.

Not a real romantic at heart, my STBXW, lol.

[jp787]

P4L,
First off thank you for your continued support

I feel for what your going through. I know it's hard.

You have really shown change and seem to be moving forward, keep that momentum.

Try to keep your focus on you.

Remember the future is unknown and anything can happen.

I enjoy your sense of humor, it makes me smile, thank you.