PM - That's brutal having to sign the birthday card and D papers on th same day. Sorry you had to do that, but I guess it is what she wants so Happy Birthday??? ;-)
She's having a really tough time too, but I just can't help her right now.
Originally Posted By: Tryin2figuritout
Picked up my kids and we're on vacation while the Mrs is on her first business trip since going back to work in October. This will be a rough week for her because this will be the longest she's been without the kids EVER. I'm glad this is happening not so she is in pain but so the reality of her decision to walk sets in on all fronts. When I got them yesterday and we left her house, she had to run inside and I could hear her lose it. Reminds me of a fortune cookie I saw once "Happiness is not about what you want but what you have."
sandi2 is correct: the WAW needs to experience what she is losing. I waited way too long (>1 yr) before I started DB'ing, and that likely contributed to where my R is now. Just be sure that you don't force it out of spite or pettiness. Respect what she is asking for and let the consequences of her decisions occur.
Thanks for your comments. I wish you all the best.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
My wife's totally noticing my changes and has been absolutely floored and overwhelmed with them.
Be the man you want and need to be. Very little talk, whole lot of consistent action. Never waver on being that man. Don't let anyone or anything get in your way of becoming who you want and need to be.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
W has been complimentary lately. I think she's feeling guilty and might be having a tough time pulling the trigger of handing in the papers. She'll pull it, though.
Had a great weekend with my ladies! We're enjoying each other quite a bit. THIS is what they deserved all along. Prayers from years ago when I was sick = answered.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
I'm not sure if we're done exploring what we've been discussing (self value derivation, insecurities and the source(s) of those, but a related "fear" that didn't make my previous list is:
In the past 18 months I have been afraid to cut her loose because I was/am afraid she will do something that I wouldn't be able to forgive her for - a MOAB on the road that is supposed to be smoothly paved home. I saw/see her as being in a delicate state, bouncing around like a ping-pong ball in a Bingo machine. Looking at myself, I see this is as a form of control, but I understand it as self-preservation. It doesn't make it "right" or "healthy", but I understand why.
Ineedtocutherloose. THAT is "space" for her. THAT is "independence" for her. I'm a good man and she sees it. Let's roll the dice and see how this all plays out. I cannot let the fear of self-preservation of what is an unhealthy derivation of self-value get in the way of what she is asking me for. True respect = true compliance with her stated decisions.
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
THAT is "space" for her. THAT is "independence" for her. I'm a good man and she sees it. Let's roll the dice and see how this all plays out. I cannot let the fear of self-preservation of what is an unhealthy derivation of self-value get in the way of what she is asking me for. True respect = true compliance with her stated decisions.
I see what you are saying there...
Maybe a fear of success ???
Maybe you are afraid that you are going to move too far forward, and she won't be able to catch up ???
I know that sounds strange, just try it on and see how it fits....
THAT is "space" for her. THAT is "independence" for her. I'm a good man and she sees it. Let's roll the dice and see how this all plays out. I cannot let the fear of self-preservation of what is an unhealthy derivation of self-value get in the way of what she is asking me for. True respect = true compliance with her stated decisions.
I see what you are saying there...
Maybe a fear of success ???
Maybe you are afraid that you are going to move too far forward, and she won't be able to catch up ???
I know that sounds strange, just try it on and see how it fits....
Maybe a fear of success...I'll certainly chew on that.
In this particular example, I have thought a LOT about my road block of moving on/moving past her. And I'll give your fear of success idea some thought, but what I have maintained throughout my journaling and what little I've told confidants is that my road block is that I don't want to become a man who is not in love with her. That just isn't who I wanted to be.
Over the last year and a half I have certainly realized I have a fear of failure. I self-sabotage. I give only 70 or 80 or 90% so that if I do fail, I can always look back and say, "I failed...yeah...but if I had given it my ALL, then I would have succeeded." It's something I've been working hard to correct as this permeates throughout almost all aspects of my life.
New mantra: 100%. No excuses. If I fail, I fail. Learn and move forward.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
PM - your thread feels like déjà vu for me because I was having the exact same conversations late last week.
I had same fears holding me back from letting go and moving forward with my own life and honoring my W's wishes to D...
Fear of not loving her anymore and fear that I've grown too much and if I leave and continue my journey without her then I may be too far past her. Here's what I've been told that is helping me finally start moving:
I will always love her and care about her and that is fine. If this doesn't go the way I hoped it doesn't mean my feelings wil stop, they will just change. I'll always love her and cherish her, it just may not be as my W.
Remember, she is choosing this path so if you (we) really love them why don't we honor their wishes and let hem go on the journey they've picked.
Fear of growing past her is a concern as well and I've read/ talked with many people living it. My thought is yes, this has already happened and will likely continue. IF she decides she wants to R and I decide it's still what I want she'll need this new version of me. She didn't like the old me so the new me is probably a good thing. I now have tools to improve our communication and our appreciation of each other. I understand healthy boundaries and finally have self worth and know how to make myself happy. I also can help her work through some of her stuff if she wants that from me and if not at least I can now be patient to let her work through them at her pace.
If we can drop the rope it's a win/ win for us. We either continue to grow and our W's realize what they are missing and try to R or they don't and as hard as it is to believe we have lost a burden in our lives because like it or not that's what they could be if they don't really want us.
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
It is so hard to feel like you're giving 100% when a goo part of this process is containing your feelings and desire to R. We're all wanting that "Ahaaaa" moment when the light switch goes off for the Mrs, but you can't wait/hope for I or you drive yourself nuts.
The Mrs was on her trip back from a work conference (first away from the kids) and as anticipated she was a total wreck. Me and the Kidos don't get back from vacation until Friday so I suspect she'll even be more of a wreck by then. Surprisingly, she told me she had a hard time there experiencing new things without me. Conference was in San Francisco which we visited together a few years back. I don't think the tide is turning, but that was good to hear.
Me 42, Wife 39; Married 16; Together 17; Kids: D13, S10 Wife asks for Divorce: 03/19/13 Reconcile: 07/07/13 Round 2 Starts: 02/19/17 Apartment Life: 04/21/17 PA Confirmed: 05/23/17
I can understand and feel that myself... and I too don't want to become a women who is not in love with H. That just isn't who I want to be either....
M:47 H:46 T:8.5yrs SD:19 May/2012 ?? H having EA Dec/2010 H distant Jan/10/2013 Confirms PA with OW for 1 month March/24/2013 OW still in the pic M:Moved out May 4th
