M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
PM - your thread feels like déjà vu for me because I was having the exact same conversations late last week.
I had same fears holding me back from letting go and moving forward with my own life and honoring my W's wishes to D...
Fear of not loving her anymore...
No no, I'm not worried about loving her. I do no not want to become a man who is not "in love" with her. Very different. I'm protecting her from becoming "just another person" in my family.
Maybe I like her up on the pedestal.
Maybe she has made up so much of my identity that I don't know who I am without her.
Maybe it's both of those. Or neither. Maybe it's something else.
But I have felt like it was part of my job (yes, "obligation" ) as her husband to protect that piece of me that is "in love" with her in case she comes back. I told her that I wasn't going to make the same mistakes she did. I didn't tell her what all that meant at the time (or since), but the implication was that I simply wasn't going to find someone else (or be looking). What I really meant, but didn't expound on is, I would not:
Allow myself to generate feelings for any other woman (the obvious implication I just stated). That means removing myself from potential situations where this could occur, which I had to do one time very seriously. (In hindsight I realize that her having OM helped BD happen, and who knows how long I would have gone on in my sick state had she not dropped the bomb.) Would it be nice to have some hussy telling me I look good and pumping up my ego...telling me I deserve better, and that she loves me? Maybe, but I'm not allowing it.
Not act on what I thought was right. She says she has many regrets, many "I wish I hads" before she fell out of love with me. When it came time for a serious decision, I chose to always do what I thought was right, regardless of how I thought she would react. No regrets. 100%.
Allow her to break me.
Allow myself to fall out of love with her.
Those are some of the things I feel "obligated" to do as a husband, though I don't always do them out of obligation, but out of love.
My roadblock is the "in love" part. I'm figuring out how to survive without her, but stay "in love", so maybe it's becoming less of a block. Or maybe I'm fooling myself.
Originally Posted By: Spartan
Fear of growing past her is a concern as well and I've read/ talked with many people living it.
It isn't the fear of growing past her, it's the fear of growing past her so far that I can't ever come back.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
The Mrs was on her trip back from a work conference (first away from the kids) and as anticipated she was a total wreck. Me and the Kidos don't get back from vacation until Friday so I suspect she'll even be more of a wreck by then. Surprisingly, she told me she had a hard time there experiencing new things without me. Conference was in San Francisco which we visited together a few years back. I don't think the tide is turning, but that was good to hear.
That sounds all too familiar. And you're right...it IS nice to hear that, but it doesn't mean jack squat.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
PM - your thread feels like déjà vu for me because I was having the exact same conversations late last week.
I had same fears holding me back from letting go and moving forward with my own life and honoring my W's wishes to D...
Fear of not loving her anymore...
No no, I'm not worried about loving her. I do no not want to become a man who is not "in love" with her. Very different. I'm protecting her from becoming "just another person" in my family.
Maybe I like her up on the pedestal.
Maybe she has made up so much of my identity that I don't know who I am without her.
Maybe it's both of those. Or neither. Maybe it's something else.
But I have felt like it was part of my job (yes, "obligation" ) as her husband to protect that piece of me that is "in love" with her in case she comes back. I told her that I wasn't going to make the same mistakes she did. I didn't tell her what all that meant at the time (or since), but the implication was that I simply wasn't going to find someone else (or be looking). What I really meant, but didn't expound on is, I would not:
Allow myself to generate feelings for any other woman (the obvious implication I just stated). That means removing myself from potential situations where this could occur, which I had to do one time very seriously. (In hindsight I realize that her having OM helped BD happen, and who knows how long I would have gone on in my sick state had she not dropped the bomb.) Would it be nice to have some hussy telling me I look good and pumping up my ego...telling me I deserve better, and that she loves me? Maybe, but I'm not allowing it.
Not act on what I thought was right. She says she has many regrets, many "I wish I hads" before she fell out of love with me. When it came time for a serious decision, I chose to always do what I thought was right, regardless of how I thought she would react. No regrets. 100%.
Allow her to break me.
Allow myself to fall out of love with her.
Those are some of the things I feel "obligated" to do as a husband, though I don't always do them out of obligation, but out of love.
My roadblock is the "in love" part. I'm figuring out how to survive without her, but stay "in love", so maybe it's becoming less of a block. Or maybe I'm fooling myself.
Originally Posted By: Spartan
Fear of growing past her is a concern as well and I've read/ talked with many people living it.
It isn't the fear of growing past her, it's the fear of growing past her so far that I can't ever come back.
-PM
PM - I am looking at my sitch like this:
My marriage is over, gone, kaput!
I am on my path and my W is on hers, they are separate and may be parallel or going in opposite directions, it doesn't matter.
I need to keep on my path for me and only for me, as does she for herself.
I have hope that our paths cross in the future and that while we each remain on our own paths, that we can be together in the future.
I know that I will never stop loving my W, it isn't something that I could do if I wanted.
I am truly starting to understand that I have to become happy with me, with or w/o my wife.
This is just me though.
What I am seeing in your words is that you are not allowing yourself to move forward with you. Maybe i am wrong.
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
PM - your thread feels like déjà vu for me because I was having the exact same conversations late last week.
I had same fears holding me back from letting go and moving forward with my own life and honoring my W's wishes to D...
Fear of not loving her anymore...
No no, I'm not worried about loving her. I do no not want to become a man who is not "in love" with her. Very different. I'm protecting her from becoming "just another person" in my family.
Maybe I like her up on the pedestal.
Maybe she has made up so much of my identity that I don't know who I am without her.
Maybe it's both of those. Or neither. Maybe it's something else.
But I have felt like it was part of my job (yes, "obligation" ) as her husband to protect that piece of me that is "in love" with her in case she comes back. I told her that I wasn't going to make the same mistakes she did. I didn't tell her what all that meant at the time (or since), but the implication was that I simply wasn't going to find someone else (or be looking). What I really meant, but didn't expound on is, I would not:
Allow myself to generate feelings for any other woman (the obvious implication I just stated). That means removing myself from potential situations where this could occur, which I had to do one time very seriously. (In hindsight I realize that her having OM helped BD happen, and who knows how long I would have gone on in my sick state had she not dropped the bomb.) Would it be nice to have some hussy telling me I look good and pumping up my ego...telling me I deserve better, and that she loves me? Maybe, but I'm not allowing it.
Not act on what I thought was right. She says she has many regrets, many "I wish I hads" before she fell out of love with me. When it came time for a serious decision, I chose to always do what I thought was right, regardless of how I thought she would react. No regrets. 100%.
Allow her to break me.
Allow myself to fall out of love with her.
Those are some of the things I feel "obligated" to do as a husband, though I don't always do them out of obligation, but out of love.
My roadblock is the "in love" part. I'm figuring out how to survive without her, but stay "in love", so maybe it's becoming less of a block. Or maybe I'm fooling myself.
Originally Posted By: Spartan
Fear of growing past her is a concern as well and I've read/ talked with many people living it.
It isn't the fear of growing past her, it's the fear of growing past her so far that I can't ever come back.
-PM
PM - I am looking at my sitch like this:
My marriage is over, gone, kaput!
I am on my path and my W is on hers, they are separate and may be parallel or going in opposite directions, it doesn't matter.
I need to keep on my path for me and only for me, as does she for herself.
I have hope that our paths cross in the future and that while we each remain on our own paths, that we can be together in the future.
I know that I will never stop loving my W, it isn't something that I could do if I wanted.
I am truly starting to understand that I have to become happy with me, with or w/o my wife.
This is just me though.
What I am seeing in your words is that you are not allowing yourself to move forward with you. Maybe i am wrong.
That may be the case.
As far as she knows, though, I'm moving forward and not waiting for her. And she both needed and deserved that release from me.
It may seem like I am talking out of both sides of my mouth, and maybe I'm not explaining it very well, but I am figuring out how to:
1) move forward 2) without expectations, and 3) while still being "in love."
My FOCUS is on me and my ladies.
And maybe I seem like an incoherent loon at this point. I recognize that possibility.
You see, I'm not in all that different a spot than I was fourteen years ago. There was this girl that I liked who I didn't have a chance in the world of landing - so much so that I didn't even try. So in a way I'm back to square 1.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
You don't sound like an incoherent loon to me but I've been known to be a little on the looney side myself so take that for what it's worth .
This may come down to how we define loving someone and being "in love" with someone. To me being "in love" means being emotionally involved with someone on a day to day basis, being a tight part of each other's lives, and communicating openly and honestly. While I know I will always love and care about my W I'm starting to realize I'm not in love with her at this time. This isn't because I don't want to be, it's because it's what I need to do and it's what my W needs me to do.
I've spent the last 7 months since BD (and realistically much longer) trying to stay "in love" and it has held me back from moving forward on my own journey. Moving forward doesn't mean I'm moving on. It means I'm concentrating on me and kids only and not getting involved with her current stuff. It's really letting each of us walk our own walks.
I feel what you're saying and your goals for moving forward with no expectations and concentrating on you and your girls is the perfect mindset. My concern, only because I lived it, is now that I look back my desire to stay "in love" held me back from going all in for me.
Originally Posted By: PatientMan
As far as she knows, though, I'm moving forward and not waiting for her. And she both needed and deserved that release from me.
This is good, it does make me wonder if you really are moving forward for YOU and not because deep down you are acting 'as if' in hopes she'll come back. Reason I wonder this...because it was my exact mindset and I fought it for a long long time. At times I thought a few of the guys on here were going to show up at my house and kick my a$$ until I admitted it.
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
Thanks for your post, Spartan. I'm on my phone so I just dropped into report that W is heading out of town today until Sunday for a family wedding. Twice this morning over the phone she mentioned that she wanted to see me before she left, but our schedules don't line up well for that. My instinct, and the me from 14 years ago, would make time, but I don't think I should and won't.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
) as her husband to protect that piece of me that is "in love" with her in case she comes back. I told her that I wasn't going to make the same mistakes she did. I didn't tell her what all that meant at the time (or since), but the implication was that I simply wasn't going to find someone else (or be looking). What I really meant, but didn't expound on is, I would not: