"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
Hi, PM, Thanks for checking in on my thread last weekend.
I think you are showing some excellent growth. I do agree w Spartan that trying to stay "in love" is different than still loving your W. And his definition of "in love" is spot on w mine.
Therefore, I am no longer "in love" w my H. BUT, I do still love him and I don't think I have control over my love for him. I love him unconditionally.
But, I think in order to move forward it is helpful to take the focus off of your feelings for your W altogether. It doesn't mean those feeling don't exist, it is that they need to leave the forefront of your mind so you can focus on yourself.
Take care of you!
M- 18 T-21 S-14,11 & 10 BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA) H moved out 11-3-2012 10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life. 11-25-13 Jointly filed.
Thanks to everyone for their comments/thoughts. I'm still on my mobile so I'm checking in and will address them later - once I get to my laptop - because I am thinking about them.
I am still getting WILD emotional swings - most recently this morning - and am just thinking and praying my way through them. I never showed it on the outside (which W confirmed unknowingly recently), but I get jealous and insecure easily... even with something as simple as when W even has fun without me. So I'm certainly not detached and I'm certainly not very self secure.
That last sentence doesn't seem very accurate...meaning I do feel very self confident in many specific and important aspects of my life, but I guess at my core if I derive my self worth from her and I don't feel valued by her then I feel like this.
Maybe that's just rambling, but I hope that makes sense. I think I might be on to something. If I've accurately identified this issue, that's great, but I need to figure out how to remedy it.
More rambling/self identifying: I've already talked about how I have never really liked myself and how I've tried to live with that/me (surround myself with things and people I DO like, or escape). The oldest of the four D's is most like me mentally. Guess who I am instinctively the hardest on?
I recognized this last year and am trying to figure out how to give her what she needs that I didn't get so she doesn't end up like me.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
I don't want to bring up the D, but I need to let her know to tell me when the hearing will take place. I have decided to go, even though my presence is not required by the state.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
Didn't have to ask. She just texted me: tomorrow at 8:15am.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
Hey PM, thought I'd stop by. Forgive me as I havent read through your whole sitch.
I am still getting WILD emotional swings - most recently this morning - and am just thinking and praying my way through them.
Sorry, I dont know if you are seeing a therapist and/or are on meds.
So I'm certainly not detached and I'm certainly not very self secure.
That last sentence doesn't seem very accurate...meaning I do feel very self confident in many specific and important aspects of my life, but I guess at my core if I derive my self worth from her and I don't feel valued by her then I feel like this. Maybe that's just rambling, but I hope that makes sense.
Yes, it does make sense. And detaching take time and work. You will get there. Keep putting the focus on you and your children.
If I've accurately identified this issue, that's great, but I need to figure out how to remedy it.
The way to begin is to figure out why you have derived your sense of self worth from your wife. What does that give you? Why do you need that? What is it about yourself that has value?
More rambling/self identifying: I've already talked about how I have never really liked myself and how I've tried to live with that/me (surround myself with things and people I DO like, or escape).
I get how you dont like yourself. I felt the same way for many years. The way to change it is to first figure out why you feel that way.Where did that feeling come from. How was it reinforced in you? Then figure out those things you like about yourself and those things you want to change about yourself. I used to look at people I admired. I tried to figure out what aspects of them I most valued.
The oldest of the four D's is most like me mentally. Guess who I am instinctively the hardest on?
Yep, that often happens, but, that is something you have control over.
I recognized this last year and am trying to figure out how to give her what she needs that I didn't get so she doesn't end up like me.
The very best thing you can give her is unconditional love.
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
