My journey... at a fork in the road...

[MrCAS]

Contesting the divorce... didn't think of that. I don't want one. So by not contesting it, isn't that the same as saying I want one or no?

As far as the house goes... yeas, I could afford the payment but that is breaking the agreement we had. Not that it should be a surprise. We had agreed to a money arrangement for the mortgage.

The re-fi was her idea. Now she tells the CU we are going to let the house go. I am confused.

[labug]

I see contesting as standing in her way and the outcome is usually more money spent in the process. You can't force someone to want to be married to you.

About the house, you have no control over what she does...if she dumps it, she dumps it unless you step in and take over the payments. Is that what you want to do?

See how this goes, you need to decide what you want to do and how you want to be, never mind what she does or doesn't do. What are your values?

Sleep on it, things may be clearer tomorrow.

[MrCAS]

I think we have two views of what contesting means... but I see what you are saying. It isn't the same as what I am saying. I will give her what she needs.

What are your values?

What do you mean by this? Can you give me some insight?

[uRworthy]

Hiya M. First of all, sending you hugs ((((hugs))).

Man, I'm sorry you are hurting right now. I know how tough it is.

So, let's figure this out, ok? Cuz you are kinda all over the place. Understandable, but, you need to get yourself centered.

A few different things going on here, right?

The divorce - here's the thing - I feel that when it is said not to do anything to help it, it means she needs to be the one to file and to be proactive about it and do most of the work.

But you cannot put your head in the sand. She wants to divorce. As Bug said, you cant force someone to want to be married to you. And contesting does mean more money spent and you are then standing in her way.

Here's the thing, M, you now get to decide if you want to handle it with dignity and respect or fight it tooth and nail and wind up hating each other. Your choice. Who do you want to see when you look back on it?

You need to understand that she may not live up to her agreements right now. She is confused, too. She is unhappy, doesnt know why really. She thinks this is going to fix that. And she knows you dont want a divorce.

I think you may be right about why she said that about the house. She is frustrated that you are not answering her.

I know you dont know what to think or feel. This is so not what you want. But, you need to start making some decisions. You cant control what she does, how she thinks. You can only control you.

And trying to figure her out will just make you crazy and serves no purpose.

I know this is difficult and you need to feel what you feel. Then when you are ready, decide what is best for you.

[MrCAS]

I get the contesting part... That was just a misunderstanding. We are all on the same page on that. Contesting and not wanting are two different things.

What is best for me... I am not sure right now.

I know I am in danger of losing my job. I am in danger of losing our house. I am in danger of losing my mind... wait, I did that a couple of years ago and just found it. Never mind.

Seriously, these things are out of my control and it PO's me so freaking bad I could scream. These things will literally ruin me financially. I realize other people have gone through the same stuff.

What really is the hardest is not feeling anger for so long and now I feel more. Sadness and frustration are worst. I think it was easier just being PO'd.

[uRworthy]

What is best for me... I am not sure right now.

And that's ok. You will figure it out.

I know I am in danger of losing my job. I am in danger of losing our house. I am in danger of losing my mind... wait, I did that a couple of years ago and just found it. Never mind.

Ok, so, you need to make some decisions regarding those things. Have you been applying for jobs? Can you discuss the refi with her? Or do you want to put the house on the market? You dont need to decide those things today,though, M. It's best to break this up into manageable parts right now. Oh, and about your mind - um, yea, dont get comfortable with the feeling that you found it. Just sayin. LOL!

Seriously, these things are out of my control and it PO's me so freaking bad I could scream. These things will literally ruin me financially. I realize other people have gone through the same stuff.

If you understand really that they are out of your control, then, you will be able to let the anger go, too. And yep, financial ruin, been there done that. No way around it, it suckks. But you get through it.

What really is the hardest is not feeling anger for so long and now I feel more. Sadness and frustration are worst. I think it was easier just being PO'd.

Yep, sadness and frustration are harder to feel than anger. Easier, though, isnt always better, right?

[labug]

First and foremost, breathe, just breathe. Really sit down and force yourself to take deep breaths when you get like this. It's so helpful.

Now about the anger, I think your anger is really fear. Our brain does that when we feel backed into a corner, our fear induces anger and we are set to pounce.

Except there is no saber-toothed cat stalking you in this scenario, so you're left with the fear. And that's OK. You can handle it.

Your question about values...who do you want to show to the world, what's important to you. Really being clear on those things will help you figure out what to do about all those issues you're wrestling with. Mach often speaks of dignity, honor and grace-those might be his values. Honesty, being as good as your word, empathy, authenticity, family etc, any of these and more may be your values.

I agree with uR, can you talk with your W? (I just read uR's first post and I don't really need to add more, she said it all)

But just a few reminders, nothing needs to be decided today, ask questions, get information, make decisions based on facts not emotion and remember, saber-toothed tigers are extinct.

You will be OK, really.

[uRworthy]

M, remember I promised myself to act with dignity and honor during my divorce and after?

While it is very important to protect yourself, it is equally important to decide how you want to conduct yourself then and in your life.

I wanted to be sure that I stayed true to myself, that I was acting from a place of strength, that my actions were following my moral compass.

Because to me, that's what matters, M.

[uRworthy]

Hey M, how are you doing today? Saw you posted on Cbtdad's thread. Love your sense of humor. See some of that New York in ya!

Hope you are having a better day.

[MrCAS]

I am feeling better. I had to go to work today. I got "voluntold". My boss said yesterday, "I am going to be here at 10... what time will you be?". I told him that I was going to be at church at 10... I said I would be there right after church was done. I was very calm yet assertive without being a dick. A smile in my voice.

So, I went to the shop after church. We went down to the transit garage and did the job. Then I treated myself to a Sonic banana milk shake.

I am regaining my humor back in droves. I love to make people laugh. It is also a great way to make a point across.

I have to get back to polishing my moral compass...