So she's just not attracted to men? No, as far as I can tell, she's not attracted to women, lawn chairs, or tulips either. She's interested in a lot of other things life has to offer, just not anything involving sexual arousal and intimate areas of her body. Is this hard to understand? I thought it was pretty common knowledge that the most reported sexual "dysfunction" for middle-age women was lack of desire.
Quote:
Do you accepted the sex and affections portion is just dead ended with you?
Accept? Well, I still believe in hope and change with regard to my wife, but it doesn't look promising. [quote]Her panties does not have to be wet, she can decide to start the act with you... That's her decision, she can also choose to pleasure you.
She chooses not to. And it's not much fun if it's only the result of a lot of cajoling, especially when she pleasures only me. When that's the only mode, after a while it takes on a symbolism and feeling of, "OK, I'm doing this for you but I want no part of it myself." That can lead to further dislike of the whole thing on her part and her view of men in general as being in "need" of a superficial physical action. And it can lead me to a distorted view of women as not liking sex and not caring much for men's sexuality. When sex is on that level of life-support, it really is not a bonding thing at all.
At this point, I very much want to feel that a woman wants me in a physical sexual way too. And that feeling is long gone. In fact, I have hard time visualizing that women could actually feel that way about men. Intellectually, I know better, but I harbor some irrational suspicions about it.
Doesn't seem to be possible to edit these posts after posting -- the "time out" appears to be immediate. I should have used the intermediate view first. So I apologize for the messed-up quoting in the above reply.
So, to summarize, if there is not a true mutual physical sexual sharing, my experience is that lopsided sexual interactions can just lead to further dislike of physical sex and the feelings about one's partner in that context. If she just pleasures me, she eventually thinks I want it too often, she thinks it's a PITA chore, I think of women as sexually uncaring, not to mention totally sexually unresponsive. I've found it just doesn't work and things are better if we just drop the whole sexual thing between us.
So she's just not attracted to men? No, as far as I can tell, she's not attracted to women, lawn chairs, or tulips either. She's interested in a lot of other things life has to offer, just not anything involving sexual arousal and intimate areas of her body. Is this hard to understand? I thought it was pretty common knowledge that the most reported sexual "dysfunction" for middle-age women was lack of desire.
Quote:
Do you accepted the sex and affections portion is just dead ended with you?
Accept? Well, I still believe in hope and change with regard to my wife, but it doesn't look promising. [quote]Her panties does not have to be wet, she can decide to start the act with you... That's her decision, she can also choose to pleasure you.
She chooses not to. And it's not much fun if it's only the result of a lot of cajoling, especially when she pleasures only me. When that's the only mode, after a while it takes on a symbolism and feeling of, "OK, I'm doing this for you but I want no part of it myself." That can lead to further dislike of the whole thing on her part and her view of men in general as being in "need" of a superficial physical action. And it can lead me to a distorted view of women as not liking sex and not caring much for men's sexuality. When sex is on that level of life-support, it really is not a bonding thing at all.
At this point, I very much want to feel that a woman wants me in a physical sexual way too. And that feeling is long gone. In fact, I have hard time visualizing that women could actually feel that way about men. Intellectually, I know better, but I harbor some irrational suspicions about it.
Women do feel this way about men. We have acknowledged some of the breakdowns which can occur in long term relationships. What's happened to you sometimes happens.
As far as feeling a women desire and want you... I'm sure you look and act like someone doesn't want or desire you too. Have you ever thought about that. You get treated that way, and you probably look like it too.
Just know in reality there are women who will want you.
It's not all women who are like this, just a certain grouping of woman who are this way. I'm seeing on some of the other marriage boards ladies talking about loving to please their man, and it's gotten better for 20 plus years. She needs and wants it as bad as he does. You cannot blame all women for what your going through.
It's not all women who are like this, just a certain grouping of woman who are this way. I'm seeing on some of the other marriage boards ladies talking about loving to please their man, and it's gotten better for 20 plus years. She needs and wants it as bad as he does. You cannot blame all women for what your going through.
I get where SSMGUY is coming from. And it really does not matter to him (or me) that all women are not that way, because we are not in relationships with "all women." We are told either implicitly or explicitly to just turn off our sexuality and our desire to be intimate in some way beyond just conversational.
Note: the fact that sexual issues become off-limit for discussion means that intimate conversation can only be engaged upon for certain subjects.
Ultimately, the choice comes down to one of three choices; 1)give up on any sexual intimacy with the woman we are married to, 2)find sexual partners outside the marriage, or 3) end the marriage and maybe find a willing partner. What we know is nothing that we've been able to ask for, threaten, or cajole has been effective in providing any progress.
The Captain
Last sex: 04/06/1997 Last attempt: 11/11/1997 W Issues "No Means No" Declaration: 11/11/1997 W chooses to terminate sex 05/1998 I gained 60, then lost 85 pounds. Start running again (marathons)
It's not all women who are like this, just a certain grouping of woman who are this way. I'm seeing on some of the other marriage boards ladies talking about loving to please their man, and it's gotten better for 20 plus years. She needs and wants it as bad as he does. You cannot blame all women for what your going through.
I get where SSMGUY is coming from. And it really does not matter to him (or me) that all women are not that way, because we are not in relationships with "all women." We are told either implicitly or explicitly to just turn off our sexuality and our desire to be intimate in some way beyond just conversational.
Note: the fact that sexual issues become off-limit for discussion means that intimate conversation can only be engaged upon for certain subjects.
Ultimately, the choice comes down to one of three choices; 1)give up on any sexual intimacy with the woman we are married to, 2)find sexual partners outside the marriage, or 3) end the marriage and maybe find a willing partner. What we know is nothing that we've been able to ask for, threaten, or cajole has been effective in providing any progress.
The Captain
And once we accept these are the choices that were providced to us, you either do nothing or make a decision. If you do nothing she has made the decision for you. Is this really now you want to look back on your life?
I bought and read SSM a year ago. I read it with hope: this could help bring the end of my sex-starved marriage. Now I have a no-sex marriage, and my wife has come out to me as a lesbian, after 30 years together. Each time I get some possible glimpse of some slight glimmer of light at the end of the dark tunnel, it seems to be shut off. She, my wife's seeing a psychologist, and we're seeing together a sexologist/therapist. But now my wife says she's not got the energy to work on her past, understanding her childhood and her relation with her mother AND work on our relationship. So I'm back in total despair. 'Lesbian' is just a label; my wife's still the person I've lived with and loved. Yes, sex is only part of life, and part of a relationship. But when it's not there, it's hell.
Me: 65, Wife: 67 Married/Together: 34 years! No children Wife 'came out' as lesbian in May 2013
Find a bisexual woman who can love both of you. OK, just kidding, sort of. But sometimes when there are no easy solutions you have to consider "out of the box" thinking.
I've been in a similar situation myself, where every possible solution is either one that won't work, or one I don't want to consider.
Find a bisexual woman who can love both of you. OK, just kidding, sort of. But sometimes when there are no easy solutions you have to consider "out of the box" thinking.
I've been in a similar situation myself, where every possible solution is either one that won't work, or one I don't want to consider.
In a situation where you don't think you should have to lose your friendship due to the sex... It may be an amicable work around.
Sex is such a wonderful part of life. I could not continue my marriage without it.
There may be wonderful things about your wife aside from sex that you enjoy and appreciate, but I guarantee you that another woman exists with the same attributes, but who *also* enjoys sex. So in that context, if living a sexless life is making you miserable, it seems the only right decision is to move on.
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
