My mother is dying. XW wants to be my friend.

[25yearsmlc]

PS 2

I know you think I'm furious and harsh with you. I admit I'm extremely frustrated

but that is NOT what I mostly feel at the moment. I feel FEAR that you will blow the remaining time you have with your mom

you can Defer feeling like crap and obsessing about your wife until AFTER your mom time...

but please do NOT use any of the time your mother has remaining on earth,

time that might be spent lenthening her days here AND OR the quality of those days

instead of asking why your ex wife left you a few years back.

Do you see that in the big picture,

your ex wife's decision and choices to leave are so tiny and puny,

compared to what your mom has given you and what you COULD do for HER??



Tad, wallow later if you wish. But at this moment in time your mother needs you and

you need her.

I feel as if you have not made your sons the priority when it compares to your wallowing and navel gazing, but dear God maybe with time you can make up for that.

You don;t have that kind of time with your mom. So go make the most of what you have with her.

And who knows? Maybe she'll benefit from some of KML's suggestions and live better and longer b/c of your efforts...

[beatrice]

Tad, I am very sorry about your mother - 25 years has given tough but great advice. One thing i would add - I suspect that you are projecting your pain onto your wife.

When I suffered grievous loss during my xh's (continuing) MLC I totally irrationally blamed him. I could park my anger at the situation on someone else. knew it was crazy even while I was doing it.

It is very very hard to let go emotionally of someone you love, and it does sometimes feel like one loss after another. But life is full of loss as well as gain, and sometimes the balance seems in the wrong direction.

Tad, you have your kids, your health, and you are in the process of losing your mother. Gains and losses, the stuff of life, which makes us human. We will all lose our parents at some point, and it is hard.

Blessings on you during this difficult time.

[tadpole1025]

Thank you everyone.

I remember from earlier posts that you once had a career you loved. Is it possible that your joy and self worth partly disappeared with your career and not just your marriage? You've had two major losses, but which one is really keeping you from recovery?

Hmmm.....honestly, I no longer want my career really. It isn;t what it used to be.

Are they allowed to see their mom get married without feeling a dumpload of guilt from you? Can they have fun?

Yes. I've told all of them to go if they want to. I've told them this many times. Two of them are going and two have chosen not to.

Are the anti depressants helping at all? My guess is you need an adjustment. No offense meant.

Haha. I've actually been off of them for two months. I chose to take myself off of them.

I know you think I'm furious and harsh with you.

Oooooh yeah, but it's okay 25. Really. I appreciate everything that you and others have posted to me here.

It is very very hard to let go emotionally of someone you love, and it does sometimes feel like one loss after another. But life is full of loss as well as gain, and sometimes the balance seems in the wrong direction.

Big time!



I really don't know what else to post right now. I just wanted to respond to everyone.

UPDATE ON SITCH:

XW gets married this Saturday. I feel weird......The other day, I ALMOST felt a sense of relief about the whole thing. Kind of strange if you ask me.

UPDATE ON MOM:

She met with her doctor last Thursday and they have decided on Chemo treatments for the next few weeks. After that, they will evaluate the situation and figure out where to go from there.

She told me yesterday that she wants to give me about $2000 so I can buy an old clunker to get around in. I haven't had wheels since October.

The boys and I are going to see her today.

Tad

[tadpole1025]

Really really sad today. Not sure why....

[job]

Tad,
Sure you know why you are sad. You are looking at the calendar and thinking about your xh and the fact that she's getting married this Saturday. I'm sure it's on your mind 24/7 and you know what? Maybe w/her getting married, you will finally be able to let her go and put your focus full time on your sons, mother and you.

Tad, let her go.

[tadpole1025]

Hi Snodderly. I'd be lying if I said that you were wrong. You are right: 24/7, it is on my mind. It [censored] because I can't really help it. I'll be thnking of something and it'll pop right back in mind.

Even with my mom being ill, I think about it. They were so close and like really good friends.

Letting go: by far the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Still haven't got to 100 percent.

I pray to God that I might feel some relief after Saturday, but can't imagine that happening.

I've been thinking a lot about our beginning a lot recently. And...that makes me sad.

====================================

Mom started Chemo two days ago. We both agreed that I would not call her for a few days because of the sickness from the Chemo. I will be calling her tomorrow to check in on her.

She gave me some money a few days ago and it was enough to get an old beat up car. It needs a couple of tires replaced and the brakes looked at, but atleast it is wheels.

====================================

I also get sad when I see sooooo many newbies on this board. I see names on here that were not here two and a half years ago, one year ago or even six months ago. My heart goes out to them.

====================================

I am going on a blind lunch date this Friday. Scared.

Tad

[AJM]

Hey Tad. Glad to hear your mom is getting treatments. I hope that goes better than expected. Everyone reacts differently to the treatments. My sister has been going through similar for brain and spine tumors. Tore me up but it's far harder on her and her family. She responded very well to the treatments and I think she is finding that the rehab is much harder than the treatments which is a little surprising. So far so good.

XW gets married this Saturday. I feel weird......The other day, I ALMOST felt a sense of relief about the whole thing. Kind of strange if you ask me.

It is a little "different" and "weird" after the many years of different. But try not to feel guilty about feeling relieved. I know that sounds odd, but it's part of it. I did same when I first heard. It happens fast and in some ways slowly. But either way, the only remaining part is for you to do. You need to find that way through to accepting what is. That doesn't mean talking to her or anything like that. Just recognizing and accepting. Accepting that she is not the same person. That some people will reconnect with her for their own reasons. Some won't. With any luck, your kids will. Outside of that, you are not responsible for any of it, so let it go.

Drop those things that aren't helpful to you to let go.

By the way, planning a trip to Mesa in a few months. Are you far from there?


AJ

[tadpole1025]

Thanks AJ. The accepting and totally letting go are both so hard. It is amazing to me that people can change so much and so quickly. And become so bitter towards someone that they supposedly cared so much about.

Yes, Mesa is in the same metro area. It's kind of like Los Angeles/Anaheim.

Well, as of tonight, 3 of our 4 sons have told XW that they are not going to the wedding. Son #4 told her that he is thinking about not going as well. The funny/sad thing is, she told them that they are probably backing out not because they think what she did is wrong, but because "you're father is probably planning something stupid."

My God. So so sad.

What the Hell happened to her?

Tad

[Drew]

What the Hell happened to her?

Doesn't matter.

It's not about you.

[AJM]

Drew is right. It's not about you. That makes it no less difficult to accept.

The thing is, you need to accept it. Start with that. Acceptance. I mean really work on that part. Because once you accept that although it was sudden (it was) and unexpected, it did happen. You need to accept it much like you would a car accident. You didn't plan it. You didn't want it. You didn't cause it. But it happened. The how and why become much less to deal with after that.

For what it's worth, I have met many people on both sides of the coin, Tad. The faces are different, but the stories are similar. The bible is full of similar stories. It's an old story among humans. It happens. It happens because we are human beings. No other reason really. It can be sad, especially because of what happens to the family (i.e. kids, friends, etc) that supposedly have nothing to do with it.

Your kids are telling you what they saw and what they are going to believe. The saddest part of it all is that they have to live with their mother's actions and have absolutely no say in what she did to them. You have the option of realizing she isn't family. You lost a friend and wife, but they lost their mother for however long that lasts for them. You can get another wife/friend/etc. They can't get another mother that gave birth to them and is the rock of their family.

They luckily have you to show them how to go on. How to accept what is, vs what should be. Time to focus on that and your mother's health and yourself and other people that want to be in your life. Time to accept what is.

Your ex will live her life and figure herself out with any luck. She may not. Either way, you need to accept what happened and accept that she is not able to be part of your life. At some point, you may decide you don't want her to be part of your life. But that starts with that acceptance (see the pattern?)

Peace,
AJ