Success stories of SSM

[ssmguy]

Yeah, I believe it's true for some women. I took it to mean it was highly likely, though not guaranteed of course. Instead, it would seem she peaked about when men are considered to peak. And my interest is about the same now as when I was supposed to have peaked.

So you really can't apply the averages to plan your own love life or give people advice about their problems. Individual differences are too varied and unpredictable.

[MrBond]

Has she ever seen a sex therapist?

[ssmguy]

Yes, but she found the therapy experience very stressful and quit about halfway through. You have to want to go to therapy and you have "to want to want" to have sex.

I know a lot of people would tell me that I need to put my foot down and blah blah blah. Been there, done that. Didn't work. All it did was create constant tension.

[Accuray]

Remind me in that context why you don't leave?

[ssmguy]

Sex is the only thing that's not working with my wife. Everything else is good, so it doesn't make sense to leave for sexual reasons alone.

Given how frequent it is that women have low or nonexistent desire, it seems almost comically shallow that a man should just dump a wife every time she loses interest in sex. I'd think some men would be on their 10th wife by now if that was the way to solve the problem.

[MrBond]

"Yes, but she found the therapy experience very stressful and quit about halfway through. "

Well it's still all on her. Has she read any books? What did she find stressful? Is she the more private type?

" Everything else is good, so it doesn't make sense to leave for sexual reasons alone."

I don't think it's so much that, but the fact that she doesn't do it for you because it's important to you. You would do anything for her, right? She should want to do the same.

[ssmguy]

I think she gets stressed out when she is asked to talk about her own sexuality. That's been unchanged for many years, and I never fully understood that. She's read some books when I asked her, but it never changed anything. It was more like, OK, I did what you asked.

I understand the standard advice about a wife just doing it as a loving chore for the husband. The problem for me, after all these years of that kind of sex, it really doesn't work for me because it increasingly makes me feel like some kind of pervert who has a need that needs to be taken care of. She's not really participating and gets nothing out of it herself.

There seems to be a dichotomy in our social advice on this point. On the one hand, everyone celebrates the woman who is on her own and just pursuing her career or whatever, even if she's without a man or not dating for years. But if she happens to be in a relationship, there is something wrong with her if she's not having fulfilling sex. Well, guess what, it's pretty common for women (and men too) to lose interest totally in sex in middle age. Now, the standard model is that when that happens, they go to therapy and figure out the "problem" and then it gets fixed. Well, guess what, it doesn't always get fixed. Then what do you do? Standard model is, you get a divorce and "move on". Guess what, I don't buy the standard model.

[MrBond]

You don't have to "buy" it just because it's not going on in your R. It does happen and a woman who can balance a great inner life and outer life is a total person. This includes their sexuality.

[ssmguy]

What does happen? And what do you mean by inner and outer life?

[MrBond]

"What does happen?"

That men and women can go to therapy for a condition (sexual/psychological) and their problems get fixed. Heck we see it on here all the time.

"And what do you mean by inner and outer life?"

A woman who has a rich inner life is one who knows who she is and explores her full potential as a human being - physically, mentally and sexually. The outer life refers to how it's presented outwards - great mother, terrific wife, professional at job or whatever.

A woman who has a strong inner and outer self has strong self-esteem and no hang-ups. It is attainable, but many women (and men) don't reach it because of their own hang ups.