Been a while since I've been on the board, as I've been back on the roller coaster for the last month. I was hoping things would solidify one way or the other before I posted again, and I guess we're pretty close at this point.
There's been a lot of back and forth over the last couple of months. W says she wants to try, I give her a chance, she continues to talk to OM, I distance myself, she runs to OM, then eventually comes back to me. Rinse and repeat.
Our latest incident was Father's day. I was distant for the week or two prior, but we went to church together. Message hit home for W...she hugged me and said some nice things about me being a good father. I took kids to Grandpa's, had a great time, came home and shortly thereafter, we're entangled again. This continues thru Monday, after which point I say "I want this, but I can't do it with OM still in the picture." She basically said she's "in the process of distancing herself from him" to which I said, "not good enough." Also, during the discussion, she indicated she slept with OM last week because she was sad....that one stung.
I signed the divorce papers last week and asked her to sign this week. She told me this morning that she was signing today, so I guess we're pretty close to a new chapter.
We took an offer on our house earlier in the week and only have 3 weeks to get out and relocate, so while difficult on one side, it's nice that we won't have long to wait for separation. We're taking a sizable loss, so that's gonna hurt in the short term.
I have been pretty angry the last few days, and haven't been very nice to W. I'm not proud of it, as I think I slipped from "honor, grace and dignity" a bit. I think I've been truthful with her, but at the same time, I know some of the things I've said have hurt her.
So moving forward...I'm trying to find a new place, packing my stuff up, and looking forward to rebuilding my life emotionally and financially. I'm currently trying to work thru the anger, and I think I'll be ok in a couple of days. Part of it is because I'm hurt, and I think part of it is because I'm mourning the M....trying to move thru this phase as quickly as possible.
I've still got hope that reconciliation may happen one day, but I have come to realize that W has to want it...probably more than I do. So until then, I've got to focus on me.
Maybe the separation will help you both. She'll realize the grass isn't greener after all. And, you can use the time to work on yourself and let go of the anger. Think of it this way maybe, would you want to come back to the current you? You need to make yourself the person she's crazy to leave. Make those changes in yourself first, so theres something she wants to come back too.
Theres obviously something there, or there wouldn't be a roll coaster ride in the first place. Address what you can, and let time take care of the rest. I think if you give yourself to the transformation, you'll come out of it in a the better.
BD- I was wondering where you were since I haven’t seen your posts in a little while. I’m sorry to hear you had to sign the papers and I was hoping it did not come to that. But I am sure you have made your decision with enough time, self-reflection, and your future in mind. You are right on OM being an addiction and sometimes you have to just step back and let the chips fall where they may. You have given your W many chances and been able to work on yourself. I don’t know about you but I don’t think I would have honestly looked within myself to see what I have contributed to the state of M if it was not for this. If anything, that is one positive that will come out of this is working through these feelings. Good luck to you and your family in your journey BD!
Me:36,W:37 M:8, T:13 S:3yo, D:10yo (mine) BD 10/12 and 01/13 DBing since 02/13 W moved out 8/13
I agree with Thumpered. At least your W vacillates back and forth. Sure its painful, and disappointing at the same time...but at least she has an emotional connection to you. For those like me with a WAW who has completely detached and emotionally and physically left the R/M....I guess its a mixed bag of good an bad. One could argue at least we know where we stand and not have to ride the roller coaster.
Your doing ok Breakdown. Stay strong and stay the course.
Me-45,W-36 M-12 yrs, T-15 years SS- 16 Nov 2003 Initial B date, 2-3 others since EA/PA OM 2003-2004 Reconciled 2004 May 2013 Final BD, W completely detaches W files D June 2013 I am moving out 26 July 2013
Thanks for the input folks. I will say, the roller coaster hasn't been fun, but I am able to move between the phases a lot quicker.
Originally Posted By: Thumpered
Think of it this way maybe, would you want to come back to the current you? You need to make yourself the person she's crazy to leave.
I used that as a yard stick for a long time. I have always thought, I won't give up until I have become that man....and not only do I think I'm there, I think my W has seen that guy (and enjoyed him), for a fairly significant period of time.
That's not to say that I'm still not learning and growing as a person....but do I think I'm now a H only a fool would leave? Yeah, I can say yes to that.
Originally Posted By: SFC_Swede
I guess its a mixed bag of good an bad. One could argue at least we know where we stand and not have to ride the roller coaster.
Yeah, I sometimes think about that. In some ways, it would certainly be easier if she'd just make up her damn mind. But I think she's too scared to go all in with me right now. I know she wants to, but she's just not at a point where she's willing to risk it....yet.
And yes, I also agree that it's good something is still there. If I would ignore the fact that she continues to talk to OM, everything else would be like newlyweds...it's really that good on a daily basis. And that is another reason I struggle with the D...I can't imagine it being any better with anyone else (outside of OM of course).
At this point, I'll take the separation, and let her affair play itself out. I'm pretty confident she will want to come back at some point....the question is going to be, will she have figured out some of the issues that keep her running to OM and will she really be willing to put in the hard work that follows. As far as I'm concerned, the ball is in her court....she has to figure out what she wants, and then she's got to figure out how to get it.
Good for you. No need to tolerate that disrespect in the marriage. If she can't commit to you now they why would you even want someone like that.
Don't live your life like you are " pretty confident she will want to come back at some point." You should actually be acting/living like she won't. That kind of thinking will only hold you back and you could miss out on something great.
My W signed the documents last night and the judge signed this morning. I'm officially divorced today.
My W asked me to lunch today, which turned into a 3 hour visit. She said she would have delayed the D indefinitely if I wasn't so insistent last week. That makes a lot of sense to me, and I kind of expected it, but I also think it would have left us repeating the same cycle over and over...something I can no longer do.
She's really been reading a lot and trying to figure some things out....that is great. I hope she continues down that path and starts to figure her own stuff out....I think her only true path to happiness goes thru that work.
I'm actively house hunting and have a short list of things I need to get settled again. But I'm also trying to work in as much GAL as I can. I expect the next couple of months to be hectic and busy, but I'm excited about what's out in front of me.
I think it's for the best at this point BD. You did everything you could. Now it's time for you to live your life and let her walk her path.
You know this already but I'll say it anyway. M will never work if our W's don't figure out stuff on their own and realize they truly do miss us and want us in their lives as top priority (no other BS).
Good luck with the house hunting. Let me know if you need help moving...looks like I'll be solo for the fourth weekend
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
Almost a month divorced at this point and while some things are pretty hectic, others are starting to settle. We both got moved into different places a couple weeks ago. I'm still trying to get the house organized, but I'll get there in a few weeks.
W (yep, I'm still calling her W most of the time...hard to get used to that change) continued to spend the night most nights until last weekend. I sensed a lot of fear from her, and it almost felt fake at times, so we've been separate since then. She asked to come over Tue to talk but I wasn't up for it, so she started in on how much she needs me and would be good to me, etc. I do think she has been thinking a lot and trying to figure some things out, but she's got a long way to go and I certainly do not want to fall back into it until I'm sure things will be different.
I've been spending a lot of time with a lady friend of mine. It was great at first, but last weekend we slipped over the friend line a little and it's been kinda weird since. Really, I've been weird since....she's been extremely cool. She knows I'm not ready for anything serious, but she is...our timing just isn't right. This just complicates issues, so I think we'll back away from things for a while and let things settle back into friend mode for a while.
This coming week will be my first week without the kids in probably a decade. I'm expecting it to be difficult, but am booking a fair amount of GAL to keep busy. I'm also refocusing on work, which is goodness.
