own a buz - pt 11 ... taking him off the pedestal

[MrBond]

"Bond, like I have stated before, I have difficulty explaining myself. Please let me try again."

See you're doing it again. You don't have to explain anything to me or others on here. You just keep changing. No explanation or reasons necessary.

[Wonka]

BUT! He is wanting "coffee".

Why do you still care about the coffee thing?!! I don't get it. So what if H wants coffee with someone. This is a perfect example of you not dropping the rope, Magic.

Detachment is not being affected by the actions, comments, or behaviors of others. What I am seeing here is that you are not quite detached from H. Not yet there, Magic. What we are trying to tell you is that you need to work some more on detachment and dropping the rope.

[makingmagic]

Wonka... he is telling me that he wants to see if the grass is greener. This may be a boundary for me. I would not entertain a coffee with someone else, I am not near ready NOR is it what I WANT. I know that the grass isnt greener. Him suggesting that is what he wants, as opposed to even trying a new R with me, and not recognizing efforts turns me off. Makes me see we want different things than he does. I want a person who appreciates and values a long term committed R. He wants coffee. LOL. His head isn't even in my direction!

ROPE DROPPED, wouldn't you say? BUT, not in anger... more disappointment.

Yes, I am still working further on detachment. As his action/comments are still affecting me. But, I am making progress... I know it!

[makingmagic]

as in the book "the solo partner"... this is how I am feeling:

Stopping my pursuit has not been futile. There are still benefits. I will now see my own faults as well as others' realistically; I have developed the knowledge and strength to follow through on changes I was not strong enough to make before. In future R, I will not settle for poor treatment or distant partners; I will be able to take corrective action before problems become chronic; .... I will no longer be a slave to my cravings and "need" to be loved.

(stlll working on that last line)

[MrBond]

Doing it again.

"I would not entertain a coffee with someone else, I am not near ready NOR is it what I WANT."

That is fine. However it is what YOU want. Not what your H wants.

"I know that the grass isnt greener."

To be frank, you don't know that for a fact. And maybe he's questioning that.

"Him suggesting that is what he wants, as opposed to even trying a new R with me, and not recognizing efforts turns me off. "

That's what you don't understand about this whole process. This isn't about you. He is trying to see what he wants in life. He may find out that he doesn't want to be single any more and come back to a stronger relationship with you. But you aren't letting him do that because you're still trying to control the situation. Your ultimatum is a way of control.

Many of us on here have had to deal with full blown A's and others have been able to work things out with their spouse through them. Your companion just mentioned coffee.

Keep the focus on you. And if you feel that him dating is a deal breaker for you, then split your assets and go on your own way alone. That's the reality.

[~ kd ~]

wfm, I want to put out there again because I feel it is really important, that your need for validation, regardless of whom it is from, is likely due to you being an extrovert.

I think that dropping the rope for you in a way that is being suggested here, may not work for you, as you do not naturally focus on yourself. Or better said, you need that external source to confirm your internal choices.

So that said, I think it's really important for you to go have coffee, yourself. Because your reality is, if he's going for coffee with someone, that's a deal breaker for you.

Find other people, not just here, OTHER THAN YOUR H, to get your external validation. Because it does not have to come from him.

I know you had trouble with my last post on this. Yet I KNOW you understand what I am saying.

[kml]

Also, h mentioned that we could discuss our finances next week, in a calm manner. He said he is willing to do that.

PLEASE DON'T!!!!! Don't have a financial discussion with him until you have spoken to an attorney and know what your rights are!!!

Get your ducks in a row FIRST, THEN you can have a financial discussion with him. If you go in half-cocked and ill-informed it will not serve you. Wait until you know exactly what your rights are, what the issues are, and how you want to approach him/ maneuver him to get a decent deal.

If you go in without enough information you may end up agreeing to something that isn't in your best interests, or pushing too hard for something that;s not legally realistic. Go see the attorney first! Then you'll be in a smart position to negotiate.

[makingmagic]

KD ~ I guess I do not understand, I dont understand the relation between dropping the rope (as suggested) vs. external source that confirms my internal choice.

I understand that I need external validation, I am trying to learn to validate for myself. In doing this, I realized that I want more for myself and deserve a happy R (with or without h). I have needs that were not met in our R. These are independant needs/desires than my h's MLC. I know that, and I know that they are NOT important to my h.

I guess I do not understand dropping the rope. To me, I understood it as letting him go and feel what its like without my claws into him. To allowing him to feel what it is like without me, without anger. I feel I have been doing this. What don't I get? and how does it relate to my external validation?

Why go have coffee, by myself? I know that coffee does not suggest sex. And like I said, do not know if its a deal breaker, until it happens. I am just preparing for the worst. In honesty, "IF" the fog lifted and "coffee" was all that was required to bring him back... I would understand and accept this. But, this is not where he is... at this time.

I wanted h to know that It is not easy to reconcile and come back once he has tested the other grass. (I want him to recall how difficult a time he had when I did!!). However, I did say that I cannot stop him. If he feels that other grass is better... he is free to go. I will admit that my nose is out of joint. Here he has a perfectly good "workable" family, we are valuable people & he wants to test other grass??....so go, I may not be here when you return!

Bond ~ Although I am stating my boundaries, I am NOT neglecting HIS wants/needs. I see them. I understand THIS is about HIM. I am not projecting my needs/wants onto him at all. I fully get that he is not happy and is seeking happiness for himself. Its a selfish time. I get that. As much as it hurts to be rejected, he is not doing this TO ME... but for HIMSELF. As for greener grass, I have been to the edge & tested (with guilt)... I know it isnt what I want, and therefore stuck with my H. I have not given him an ultimatum. I am not controlling it at all. I want for HIM to KNOW what HE WANTS!! I am hoping he REALIZES its ME!

Am I clearer now? Please test me further. I want to DB!

[MrBond]

" I know that, and I know that they are NOT important to my h."

You don't know that for a fact. In fact, I think if you were to ask your companion, he would say he does care for you. He just doesn't feel like being in a committed R to you right now.

"Although I am stating my boundaries, I am NOT neglecting HIS wants/needs."

You shouldn't be paying attention to them at all.

"I see them. I understand THIS is about HIM. I am not projecting my needs/wants onto him at all."

Yes you did. Look at the last sentence in your own signature line. We mentioned before that you coerced him into agreeing into working on the R. You didn't believe it, but now you say that he was.

"I fully get that he is not happy and is seeking happiness for himself. Its a selfish time. I get that. As much as it hurts to be rejected, he is not doing this TO ME... but for HIMSELF."

That is correct.

"As for greener grass, I have been to the edge & tested (with guilt)... I know it isnt what I want, and therefore stuck with my H."

For your H it may be different. He might like the grass on the other side even if you didn't. That's what I meant.

"I have not given him an ultimatum. I am not controlling it at all."

You told him that you would not be okay with him having coffee with someone else and asked how he would feel if you were with someone else. Using his guilt or blame, etc. like that is an ultimatum and was controlling.

"I want for HIM to KNOW what HE WANTS!!"

Controlling. "I Want".

[makingmagic]

No Bond. I am stating that he has his journey and I can empathize his MLC. I am stating that I have my journey too. We all have only one life to live. I am stating that we are both on 2 journey's one no more important than the other. I am stating that I invested 20 years with a person who did not commit fully. I am stating that I bent myself into a pretzel trying to please someone that I obviously cannot. I am tired of this position. I deserve better. I deserve h to be that person, but if he cannot, and does not want to... then ok.

Ok.. yes, he does care for me, but does not want a committed R, right now. Maybe AFTER the fog of MLC lifts or after he has seen if grass is greener. BUT, until then... until HE DECIDES he wants ME... there is NO more.

I truly deserve to see if he can make that kind of decision, without my influence. Without my control. Which is why I have placed it all into GODS hands. God knows the outcome. I want that desicsion to be my h's, because that is what HE wants. Not because he felt obligated, forced, pushed, obligated, etc.

Yes... BACK in March I was co-ercing. Trying to steer his ship. BUT THAT WAS MARCH... this is almost July. Things have changed. I have changed. Which is why I now state that it was "lipservice"... I see that now.

If h likes the grass on the other side. Good for him. I guess he doesnt want a person like me then. I will accept that. Faithful and loyal to a fault. Willing to do anything to please him and our relationship. If he doesnt want what I offer, its his loss. Hopefully I will be strong enough to offer it to someone else.

Ultimatum ~ wasn't delivered like that. More like a boundary that I wanted him to consider before he crossed major lines. Whether he does or doesn't is up to him. If I didn't say I didn't like it, or suggest that he sees how it would feel for him or state that it would be a helluva road back to reconcilliation. I've only stated it that once (albeit poorly), I don't have the need to repeat it. Im sure its understood in there somewhere/somehow.

Let me take back the controlling statement. "he needs to know what he wants, I encourage him to figure it out"

I will try to remove further and not pay attention to his wants & needs... this is detachment