You have given such great advice to so many here, including me. I am far from a vet, but I think instinctively you know the right thing to do here. Pull back a bit and evaluate what happens.
I wish you all the luck in the world.
Me-45,W-36 M-12 yrs, T-15 years SS- 16 Nov 2003 Initial B date, 2-3 others since EA/PA OM 2003-2004 Reconciled 2004 May 2013 Final BD, W completely detaches W files D June 2013 I am moving out 26 July 2013
H dropped the B in Feb, I did pull back but we have always lived together and got along really well even though there was no "us". Then we are "back together" but not necessarily because he can't live w/o me, but because we "have a lot of reasons to stay together"
Do you feel like he is committed to working on the M? Or is it just a convenience thing?
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When I read they won't really get it until they lose you, I feel he didn't lose me after he was a WAH but he lost me before that when I was a WAW. So I am assuming walking away again is a bad idea.
Walking away is never a good idea unless you are just done with H and ready to walk away from the M for yourself.
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However, I feel like we have done this so many times before - he wants a D, we spend some time "apart but together", we get along great, he says nothing is different, we are apart again.
What I would take away from this is you can't fix this yourselves, you've tried that before and it's not working. You could use a good solutions-based MC. Do you have a DB coach? If not you might want to try that, they will counsel either you alone or both of you together. Also check into Retrouvaille, it is a fantastic experience for couples who are both committed to working on things (but not as great if one is a WAS with one foot out the door).
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he doesn't see my GAL (he is at work so much)
GAL is for you. What he should see is your PMA, happiness and independence that comes from GAL.
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How do I know if I am doing too much? Should I still be pulled back some? I really don't know.
If you don't know then that tells me he's not committed. Because if he were then you would know it. So yes, pull back and give him time and space. Work on you.
It is actually the opposite, we are getting along very well. My concern is that he has not expressed interest in creating a better relationship and many times in the past I have thought we were making progress only to have him say months later that "nothing is different".
I feel like we sort of jumped right back in, there is a little difference in other times of getting back together, but not much - except the way I am handling disagreements (overall anyway).
I am afraid I just gave him everything and didn't make him "work for it" since he is the WAS.
M 46 H 44 D 12 S 8 M 9 T 11 BD 2/15/13 "Makes sense to stay together" 5/12/13 Agree we are 'healing' 7/13 Definitely Piecing 9/13
It is actually the opposite, we are getting along very well. My concern is that he has not expressed interest in creating a better relationship and many times in the past I have thought we were making progress only to have him say months later that "nothing is different".
I feel like we sort of jumped right back in, there is a little difference in other times of getting back together, but not much - except the way I am handling disagreements (overall anyway).
I am afraid I just gave him everything and didn't make him "work for it" since he is the WAS.
I have got this the few times W and I have got close. It feels like there is no effort from them and therefore it starts going backwards quite early on. I'm not sure what you should do but I think I get where you are coming from.
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
It seems to me that during a rough patch, H mentions that things seemed to be going better but he didn't feel any different about you, it's almost like a defense mechanism kicking in. Things go good for a few months but when something bad happens he uses lines like this to protect himself from thinking you might feel the same way.
I also said something similar to my W when she said she wasn't happy. I told her the reason i drank was because i wasn't happy with our M either, when in all reality, i was just saying that to protect myself in some strange way.
I think in that way, men figure they don't have to shoulder as much of the blame for things during the rough times.
Maybe (and you already mentioned this) the biggest issue with the both of you is trust. The two of you can't trust each other enough to accept the fact that things CAN get better instead of things WON'T get better?
Keep fighting, you have what alot of us are only dreaming about right now, and that is you and your spouse are together. You can make this work and give all of us some hope for our future as well.
Good luck!
Me: 41 W: 36 M:9 yrs Together: 12 yrs Kids S7 S4 BD: 01/13 W filed 5/13 D final 8/13
LTH, I do not think you should be pulling back AT ALL.
IMHO, you are doing exactly what you should be doing, and it is working. You can not rush a turtle. He has told you in no uncertain terms that he is not playing the field and certainly does not appear to be exiting the M at this point in time.
WHAT YOU ARE DOING IS WORKING. Keep doing it.
If you are going to change anything, think about what you could be doing to get your career onto its new path.
Be OPEN to him wanting to work on the M. "LISTEN" for signs that he might want that and GET CLARIFICATION if you THINK that might be the case.
IF he says he wants to work on the M, then encourage that behaviour in positive ways. In that case, you will be in piecing, and that is when you will KEEP WORKING ON YOURSELF... and... HE will START WORKING on his own stuff.
Until then, he will only change if he's motivated to do so and it may or may not happen due to your changes.
Funny, I came on to cry and vent and suddenly all of your posts appeared even though I have checked several times in the past two days!!
Very rough day. Spoke to one of s's doctors today and found out they want to do some tests on him that have me very worried, even though the reality is they will most likely be completely normal. Part of it is the stress and part is the danger of the actual tests. Talked to H about it after phone call and then had to leave. Accidentally said I love you, he did not reply to that. While I can appreciate what we have been through, I felt really frustrated to have to remember not to say I love you to my H
Took kids to amusement park today (h working) then they slept at grandmas. H came home a little while ago and after 2 hrs to myself to reflect on everything I was stressed. (And for some reason didnt have the benefit of anyone's advice at that point!!). I was friendly and made him some dinner then came into bed and shut the door (he is downstairs working on computer). Feel like I can't deal with his indecisiveness right now. Feel like based on doctors input at last visit I have bed too hard on my son for his "lack of maturity" (as they put it), to rush him into his next surgery (#7) that has already been pushed from next April to October. I that doesn't directly impact M or what is going on today, however, I know it impacts my behavior and I feel overwhelmed by the fact that I have done him wrong in the last few weeks and it feels compounded by situation with h.
Just venting, sorry. Thanks for the great advice. I know it will make sense tomorrow.
M 46 H 44 D 12 S 8 M 9 T 11 BD 2/15/13 "Makes sense to stay together" 5/12/13 Agree we are 'healing' 7/13 Definitely Piecing 9/13
When I read they won't really get it until they lose you, I feel he didn't lose me after he was a WAH but he lost me before that when I was a WAW. So I am assuming walking away again is a bad idea
Don't know which post you may be referring to about the WAS losing. I often tell the LBS similar advice. However, I don't remember ever saying the WAS had to lose the LBS. I do believe the WAS has to lose "something" before they get their eyes open and the fog clears. In my stitch, it was not my LBH I lost.
Your stitch cannot always take blanket advice you may read on somebody else's thread. Both you and your H have experienced loss. This merry-go-round has continued until neither of you know exactly who is walking away and who is left behind.
In your stitch, I would not advise (at this time) to leave the home, hoping to snap him into wanting you back. I doubt seriously if it would work.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Be OPEN to him wanting to work on the M. "LISTEN" for signs that he might want that and GET CLARIFICATION if you THINK that might be the case.
IF he says he wants to work on the M, then encourage that behaviour in positive ways. In that case, you will be in piecing, and that is when you will KEEP WORKING ON YOURSELF... and... HE will START WORKING on his own stuff.
Until then, he will only change if he's motivated to do so and it may or may not happen due to your changes.
I agree.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
