Hi I just stumbled upon this topic and I was wondering or get opinions regarding my circumstance. I love my wife and she was the one who said she did not want to be married. She has also stated she is confused on what she wants. She wants me to have more time with our kids. I am out of our condo and living in my mothers basement. I usually pick up my kids Tuesdays and Thursdays and just take them home, dinner bath bed. My wife works late these nights and goes to the gym. I am thinking of going dark and taking them with me to my moms house for a sleep over then up early morning for school and daycare. I think the less contact with my wife the better we might be or it could back fire on me. She is consulting with a attorney who is also a psychologist and mediator. We are looking to do a separation agreement. I am looking at a personal loan to consolidate my credit into one monthly payment. I agreed to do couples therapy which she wanted to stop, I am doing my own therapy as well as willing to do couples therapy and 1 or 2 times a year go to couples retreat to work on us. She is just doing her own therapy and a support group. She is a psychologist who also sees couples. Why would she not want to work this out. I saw my issues and have taken care of them with exception to a few. Confused husband Witz10
M 37 W 34 S 6mos Son 6 Daughter 3 Married 8 yrs together 12yrs Bad years maybe 3 Math is in our favor to have a happy life together if she wants it.
M37 W34 S6 D3 M8yrs T14 S 1year Told me she doesn't want to be married 10/2011 "I will never stop trying because when you find the ONE, you never give up." Steve Carrell Crazy, stupid, Love
Thank you and no I am currently reading DB. Tried to look for DR but did not find it at bookstore
M37 W34 S6 D3 M8yrs T14 S 1year Told me she doesn't want to be married 10/2011 "I will never stop trying because when you find the ONE, you never give up." Steve Carrell Crazy, stupid, Love
Last night after reading a little, I decided to write down the differences between when I lived in California and here. I did so much more when I worked from home in California compared to when we moved back here. I was taking care of more of the home duties since I worked from home. Like cooking, cleaning, shopping etc. Going out more being more active. Here I let my wife do all the cooking and figuring out what we need from the store etc. In other words my list from California is longer then the one from when we moved back here. And what is the difference between the two. I work for my family and am around them all day. Compared to California where I would only talk to them on the phone. The old adage family is only a long plane trip away comes in mind. From looking at this list I need to find other work and get out from my family. Its gotten so bad that I hate working here and I have said I hate them. This is not a good family dynamic. All my friends say I should be writing this all down, even my therapist, and putting it in a book. A lot of them don't know how I have been this patient and not moved on. Only answer is I love my wife and am willing to fight for my marriage. Whether there is an affair or she is going through a form of MLC. I love her and want to live my life with her. If it comes down to a D then so be it. I will look her straight in the eye tell her I will always love her she is the mother of my children and was the love of my life. Also she will never find anyone that would have cared for her and loved her as much as I did. These past three or four years was not me was not the man she married. I am becoming that man again and if she misses out on it her loss.
M37 W34 S6 D3 M8yrs T14 S 1year Told me she doesn't want to be married 10/2011 "I will never stop trying because when you find the ONE, you never give up." Steve Carrell Crazy, stupid, Love
Just finished this thread. Really really good advice. I feel like we've had very very good communication since I went dark on talking about fixing it. This past week/weekend especially. He told me he was still chuckling about a text I sent him. So I tried to look at why...I was being myself, I was being funny, and I was making reference to something no one else would get. Not a personal joke but something from our shared history. But after looking at this week the majority of our convos I've initiated so I'm detaching a bit from that...I don't know if it's the right thing to do since our communication has been so good lately....tough decision.
Hi: I just read through the thread, (still more to do, its quite long) but wondering how "going dark" would apply in my situation. I was the WAW sadly and am now in my H shoes from a year ago and wanting to save my marriage and he is now the WAH. So im not sure if going dark would work best for my situation - I was the one who didnt show him affection and attention and we still live together and have a child together. I am refraining from contacting him throughout the day now (the downward spiral started about a month ago)and keeping the convos at home to anything but "us" or the OW. Would that be "dark" enough for my situation?
Going dark is the chance to work on you and to allow the spouse that left you to go through the journey they need to go through. If you start butting into that when they have made it clear that they don't want to be with you, then you come off as someone who is not honoring their request. You are short-circuiting the journey they have to go through to work out what is going on inside themselves.
There was obviously something very wrong that made them decide they wanted out in the first place. Oftentimes, it is probably the case that they are depressed and they have lost faith that anything can ever change. That patterns are set and are not reversible. It's a sign of depression to feel this kind of hopelessness.
One thing they knew for sure was that they did not want you in the picture. When people are depressed and confused about their identity like many people who request separations are, they become cognitively disorganized and impulsive in their choices. And when you are coming at them trying to make them stay with you, it just feels bad and like there's a pressure there to stay where they were.
And they don't want to stay where they were. They are wanting big changes. And if you stay the same as you always have been, and are unwilling to allow them to go on the journey that they need, or you are setting agendas about how they need to be, you just look like a controlling wench or [censored]. You become a representation of what they were trying to get away from.
As long as you keep pressuring them, you don't stand a chance. You will remain the embodiment of those bad feelings they are having. You will be something to avoid. You will make it very easy for them to continue to project or blame you for the bad feelings that reside inside of them.
If they are alone with those bad feelings still lingering inside, and you are nowhere in the vicinity, then perhaps they will begin to see that the pain they were feeling was really about something unhealed inside of them rather than something about you. You need to cut that link between bad feelings and you.
If you want there to ever be a future between you and your spouse, I believe you have to let your spouse take the journey that is rightfully theirs, even if they way they are communicating that to you [censored]. Even if it hurts like nothing else you've ever felt. If you love them, you have to let them go through that.
And you can't keep looking over to see if they are done yet. It's suffocating. Instead, this is your chance to learn new things. Walk around in your feelings and see what is unhealed in you that makes it so easy for you to feel crazy about this crappy situation in which you find yourself.
You have the gift of time now, and the focusing energy of pain. Don't feel all of this pain without getting your money's worth. Surrender to what is really happening. Face it head on. Summer in the MLC area says that you should stay dark UNLESS your spouse initiates a contact.
For me, there have been two main contacts. First, he called me several weeks ago, and we ended up talking for over an hour. Then, he told me that he wanted to meet with me to tell me some "news." At first, I did not meet with him, because I was not ready to feel more pain. I knew the news wasn't going to be good. But last week, I finally decided to recontact him and tell him that I was ready to meet to hear his news.
His news was that he was seeing the woman I had at first feared he was seeing. But I met when I was good and ready, and it was actually a really productive and authentic contact. I was ready to be calm and not plead and hear his news. And I think that even though he is with another woman, this contact was a good one, even though it was about painful stuff.
When I allow my husband to be the initiator, then he has to know that he wanted to see me. And from being dark, I, Sparky, have actually become a bit mysterious to my husband - which is hilarious, becase I'm the least mysterious person you will ever meet. And he was intrigued. And I liked it. And I'm going to keep doing this because I thing that not only is it "working," but I'm using all this time to grow as I never thought I would.
The worst thing that ever happened to me has been the best thing that ever happened to me. And even though I still feel a lot of pain, I mean that sincerely.
Sparky, that is a brilliant post and I can relate to this. I feel that my H is going through a depression and he is blaming me for it. It makes sense to give him the space to realise that it is not me making him depressed and I thank you from the bottom of my heart The only thing that prevents me from going totally dark on my H is my son. He always tells his dad what we've been up to and as most of my life revolves round my son, My H knows most of my comings and goings. If he comes round, I have stopped talking about what I've been getting up to at college and things that I've been doing without my son.
H47 me48 T22 M21 S20 - Got high functioning autism 3/2000 H admits to OW and moves out to live with her 11/2000 H moves back home 2/4/13 H moves out H tells me he wants D 6/13, but now he can't afford to!
