Just saying hello.

[prometheus]

I want to move back into my bed but my wife sees us as separated. We live under the one roof and my youngest son currently sleeps with her for security(whose security i don't know). I would like some advice on this. I feel totally pushed around but feel i may be motivated out of a desire to hurt.

I don't want to be deliberately difficult but i feel so downtrodden with sleeping arrangements as they are. If my wife moves out of the bed then there is only my son's single bet to move to...and he will want to sleep with his mum. I would feel like a complete %**&!@.

Any suggestions about how to proceed with this? Or should i just grin and bear my current sleeping situation?

Thanks

[prometheus]

I want to move back into my bed but my wife sees us as separated. We live under the one roof and my youngest son currently sleeps with her for security(whose security i don't know). I would like some advice on this. I feel totally pushed around but feel i may be motivated out of a desire to hurt.

I don't want to be deliberately difficult but i feel so downtrodden with sleeping arrangements as they are. If my wife moves out of the bed then there is only my son's single bet to move to...and he will want to sleep with his mum. I would feel like a complete %**&!@.

Any suggestions about how to proceed with this? Or should i just grin and bear my current sleeping situation?

Thanks

PS:this is a duplicate of a post i made this morning but i don't seem able to view it anymore...

[prometheus]

I cracked this morning. I begged my wife by text message: "please don't do this". I was referring to the fact that she has made moves to separate our finances. Some government money appeared in our joint bank account today. I quizzed her on it. She said that since we are now separated....what? Thanks for the discussion.

I feel so low and i just want to lash out. Please help me to stop from doing something to make matters worse.

[prometheus]

--venting...don't know if it will help...can't hurt...

Well....i followed my wife around the house this evening, trying to continue a conversation(we talked briefly on the phone at my work this morning) about her move to separate. It is hard to talk about and i couldn't say anything. On my third attempt at approaching her, she asked why i was following her around looking all forlorn. I *was* upset, and probably could have tried harder to have a PMA. Hindsight sharpens as i type this!

Anyway, i left the area because i found myself becoming more upset by her question. That won't do! I sat on the lounge and talked to Son, 5. Presently, W came in and sat down. I could not help myself....i knew as the words were coming out of my mouth that i should be putting a sock in it....too late.

I said to my wife that i did not "know how she expected me to not feel abandoned. Abandoned and lonely. Because that is what forlorn means, and i think that you have come up with a very good word for how i am feeling."

You can all probably guess correctly the kind of poor reception that little outburst received. Crickets....scowling, silent, arms crossed, not amused. The only upside, and i am half joking when i say it, is that i felt a little bit better for having got it off my chest. I know that it was dumb thing to do. Must...stop...doing...that. I really want to try and take the high road where possible. Feeling hurt can sure make that challenging sometimes.

[AnotherStander]

First on the bed thing, it's hard to stuff a genie back into the bottle, the thing to do is never leave the bed to begin with. But if you voluntarily leave and then demand to get back in it, it's hard not to look either wishy-washy or like a jerk.

Second regarding your comment to her, well it looks like you know you shouldn't have said it so I won't 2x4 you If you feel the urge to say something similar to her in the future, just remember the chilly reception this comment got from her. Hopefully that'll help you remember why not to say things like that to her.

What you have to remember is that she doesn't care what you think or feel! She doesn't care AT ALL. So, you have to stow all your feelings and emotions. If she starts talking about her feelings, then you validate her. But you do not share how you're feeling. Maybe you can again some day when you're piecing, but not now and not for quite some time.

[prometheus]

First on the bed thing, it's hard to stuff a genie back into the bottle, the thing to do is never leave the bed to begin with. But if you voluntarily leave and then demand to get back in it, it's hard not to look either wishy-washy or like a jerk.

Thanks for replying AnotherStander. The bed thing is hard. I feel like i was tricked into leaving our bed. Unfortunately (and this has not been helping), our son, 5, is sleeping in the bed too. My wife began complaining about not getting enough/proper sleep with all three of us in the bed. At first, she used to get out and go and sleep on the lounge or in his bed. After some nights of this, i felt guilty and strange, so i went and slept on the couch instead. Since i work a lot of night shifts, i have been unable to establish proper sleep routines for my son, and i would get home from work and my w would have put him to bed in our bed.

In that context, i would not feel altogether wishy washy should i begin a conversation around me returning to it. I don't mind if she wants to sleep in our sons bed...seems silly though. I guess i am missing my own good nights sleep.

Second regarding your comment to her, well it looks like you know you shouldn't have said it so I won't 2x4 you If you feel the urge to say something similar to her in the future, just remember the chilly reception this comment got from her. Hopefully that'll help you remember why not to say things like that to her.

What you have to remember is that she doesn't care what you think or feel! She doesn't care AT ALL. So, you have to stow all your feelings and emotions. If she starts talking about her feelings, then you validate her. But you do not share how you're feeling. Maybe you can again some day when you're piecing, but not now and not for quite some time.

Wel she says she cares, and that i am her dearest friend, but the way that she has been treating me says something different than that to me....what you have said seems more in line with her behaviour. I don't get it.

[prometheus]

Regarding being open and vulnerable with people

...
What would an/some example/s of this look like. I don't want to sound emotionally challenged or anything(although i could be), it is just that i have not been in the habit of thinking about this stuff and am unsure.

Does anyone here have any insights into my question here? Or is this stuff not really important in the scheme of things? I mean, i can see this as a growth exercise for me, because i have tended to be pretty 'self contained' in the past.
As i reflect upon that fact i realise that it is a trait that has often not served me well. How to move on? Be open and vulnerable? The word 'trust' popped into my head. I need to trust people....to do that i feel that i would need to adopt an attitude of what i have labelled(wrongly or rightly) as 'recklessness'. To me, that sounds pretty mixed up, and probably a bit off topic.

Any thoughts would be accepted glady.

[~ kd ~]

As far as DBing, the stuff I put out to you is outside the scope of things in a way. It could certainly help you in all your Rs but it might take some further reading and reflection.

I would say search the internet for personal growth or alternately speak with a life coach if you can or possibly a therapist to help you with that.

[prometheus]

As far as DBing, the stuff I put out to you is outside the scope of things in a way. It could certainly help you in all your Rs but it might take some further reading and reflection.

Your suggestion has struck a chord with me, and i believe this is an area that i should prioritise for examination. Thank you very much. I have googled 'vulnerable and open' and have a good starting point. At least it will put my focus back on me, instead of my situation or wife.

[~ kd ~]

The best organizations that I know which operate in Oz are Robbins or Klemmer. They aren't cheap, but they are very valuable resources. They both have online content and book / audio / video resources, as well.