fear has a protective quality too... like not touching a hot stove..
and only you know how hot that stove (contact with X) is right now
and this is your opportunity to use each contact to create awareness and growth...to put yourself first for once and to practice boundaries..
and to sit with the fear and find out more about who you are.
you may have already done all of this in your recent self work..... but i think those same fears will come up in other Rs until we can become so intimate with them that they lose some strength.. what are your characteristic ways of defending yourself when fear arises? what beliefs about yourself and others (including x) are under the fear?
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
To be honest - I'm not really sure how hot the stove is. I know I am managing my expectations. I am afraid that I am not managing them well.
When her and I talk - I feel like we deeply connect. The things she says about God and personal growth... I really struggle with emotionally attaching to her because of it. We've even started connecting about dancing and other stuff.....
... if she was a friend, I would instantly start hanging out with her. But it's a little bit more complicated than that.
In some ways - she is the person I always wanted to be married to... and that fact.. is EXTREMELY dangerous. Now we have the conversations I've always wanted. Now she looks in the mirror......
... and I don't want to WANT us to be together again.. if that makes sense. Short of just asking her if she still identifies as straight... I assume she is. Her being uncomfortable with being gay was such a big part of our problem.
And to chase a straight girl - is just plain stupid.
When I am scared... I am quiet. I don't usually speak my feelings because I am fearful of what the other person says. With her specifically, I kept my mouth shut because nothing changes.. or punishment came.. or she pulled away.
So I'm hesitant to admit my fears to her. (Not about having feelings).. but connecting deeply with her. I am fearful she will pull away. I'm also hesitant for a couple of other reasons.
- Regardless of why or how - space from each other has been good for us. The program is working for her. I don't want to make it seem bad that she is in it.
And church is working for me. We each have our foundation now. And it's good.
- I don't really want to add pressure. I'm trying to let things progress naturally.
- I'm looking for her to "work on us". Even if not on a marriage - building trust as friends requires two people. For two years - she has told me - she doesn't want to work on it... I don't know if things are different now.
I'm trying to just rest in each conversation.. and take it for what it is. To enjoy the moment and not look for anything more.
I'm trying to rest in the uncomfortable and that is hard.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
Journal, Been working through my feelings the past week and a half. I've learned to sit in the uncomfortable. Just as I have one idea, another one crosses my mind. My mother always said.. if the heart and head aren't on the same page - it's best to do nothing.
X reached out to me again. I won't go into great detail but we continue to have good conversation. I continue to guard my heart and end conversations first.
It's been a process accepting that our dialogue are consequences of my actions... at least partly. I think we tend to only think of negative consequences.. If I treat x bad, bad y actions will happen....
.. but the reverse is also true.
And the simple fact is that even though my x stopped loving me. I didn't stop loving her. I worked hard to forgive, not express anger, or react in a negative way towards her. I did this for her. I did this for myself.
So I guess it makes sense that she would reach out. Because I've never acted otherwise. Especially if she is working through her own demons. . If she can overcome herself... it would become easier to move back towards me.. because I threw very few stumbling blocks in her path.
It's what most hope for. I guess I just didn't believe it would happen to me. In some ways, I still don't believe it.
Now that I know these are the consequences of my actions I need to figure out how to best move forward. History has shown me that although loving decisions are often difficult, they leave me with peace in my heart.
They leave me with the confidence that I am being the "best Val".
Although I know I want to be loving, I still very much struggle on what that looks like in this new dynamic.
As a DBer - it makes sense to allow x to grow at her own time, let go of the expectations, and not pressure her.
As a spouse of an addict and a victim of an emotional abuser - it makes sense to set strong boundaries, let her know that it is forgiven but not to forgotten.. and that those boundaries cannot be crossed again. That she needs to work on it as well.
It's a fine line to walk. Allowing her to grow without it hurting my own. And yes.. I know... it's about me. I don't owe her anything....
..except I don't function that way. Not with her or anybody for that matter. I don't believe that's what God intends for me. I don't think he would have created me with a deep desire to love others... if that's what he doesn't want me to do.
I continue to sit. I'm sure the answers will come... in it's own time... in it's own way
And I will just have to accept x's participation in my life until God reveals what I need to do next.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
Hi Val, I want to comment on "rest(ing) in the uncomfortable." When I feel this way I've been reminded to focus on myself. In my experience, I felt impatient and wanted to control the situation so that I had answers NOW!
So I went back to "focusing on myself." What do my feelings about this sitch say about me. I go back to my childhood and I'm reminded of how I was brought up and how my feelings towards all of this are connected to my past. I dig deep. By doing so I was able to learn more about myself and not just how I felt about my sitch with H but how these feelings are much the same in other situations unrelated to H (friends, family, work).
Continue to focus on yourself, as you are doing ;-) Carry on...
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
One thing you & your ex have going for you is that you both have found recovery. She has spent the past 2 years also working on herself and her program.
Whatever your relationship becomes even as friends it wil be a truer more honest reflection of yourselves.
Enjoy each day
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
I've been keeping it pretty underwraps about the amount of communication between my x and I. My best friend thinks that I should have absolutely no contact with my x and that a friendship isn't possible because there is just too much history there.
My best friend also believes x (or any woman) is NOT God's best for me. It's never really been an issue between us... it's just sometimes I think her advice is slightly jaded because of that.
I continue to listen to her advice.. and know she loves me deeply. It's just hard to be at different sides about this thing... especially when I feel like I am in uncharted territory.
X continues to contact me this week. Once about a bill and another about some of the people from our past. She is in her amends stage and she is reaching out to my 1st girlfriend.
TBH - I'm really struggling with this whole thing. On the one end, one can argue that it's not my place to help my x.. and that is true. We are divorced and other than our weekly txts, aren't really a part of each other's lives. This is a choice she made. This, one can say, is a consequence of her actions.
But OTOH - making amends is helping her heal. It's healing the hearts of others. How can I turn my back away from that? To purposely rob others of the potential peace that I felt when she made amends to me... just doesn't feel right.
So I helped her out.. and even took the extra step to find some people for her. Yes I did it for her. Yes I did it for them. I do not know if that was DBing, but I do know that what God wants me to do.. so guess he wins on this one.
I continue to hope that I am doing the right thing. It's definitely not all puppies and roses....
... there have been days when I cry about it. Sometimes this feels like a test. But I'm not sure for what.
A test on If I will break and will not be able to swallow my fear to love her like a friend...
OR
a test of if I have truly broken my co-dependency. Will I break and not set boundaries for myself to protect my heart.. because I'm afraid I won't be loving her well.
I don't know which. I only know that at this point... I STILL have no regrets in all of my decisions thus far.
So I let the pendulum of my heart continue to swing. I hope to slows or makes up it's mind soon.
Because in some ways, I feel done. I was moving on and living life and I am not certain I can do that with X in my life. I know that I am strong enough... but I also know that I am not healed enough.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
the self awareness that you have about your choices is what true growth is i think.
it is not that the choices suddenly become easy or that we transcend having difficult feelings.... but that the awareness allows us to make conscious choices versus reacting out of the fear or other feeling..
you have grown so much and are such an example of your thread title..
(((((((((((((((((((((val)))))))))))))))))
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
1) You are truly amazing...holy crap, I want to be you when I grow up.
2) Today I lived up to "Live where you fear to live" and let go of H. So far, the first four hours have been pretty good.... :P
I faced the thing that scared me most in the world; let go of spouse and the best friend I have ever had, so he could have a chance to see what he needs in this world. It wasn't as bad as I thought (of course, it has been only four hours lmao)
Val you know who you are ( strong) and what you need ( to continue healing). That seems like a good focus for you right now.
Love you dear girl.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
