While you cannot rely on the third hand info of your children, and you shouldn't pry your kids for info (I'm guessing it's just info they offer up, randomly and without prodding), what your have "heard" about your W's intentions seems rather "out there".
I personally find it interesting that a 50 yr old woman would like to (and could) have a child with a OM. Unless it's adopting. What do I know, I'm not your W... it just seems like fanciful thinking...
and speaking of fantasy, as you indicate, the two of you are not D yet and she is thinking not just about having a child with OM, but also building a house with him?
Like I said, you can't rely on what your kids said, just consider what would need to happen for your W do accomplish those goals, any time you think that there is not a possibility that the A could end.
I personally find it interesting that a 50 yr old woman would like to (and could) have a child with a OM.
She says she's in menopause now so it will likely remain a wish.
Originally Posted By: Kaffe Diem
the two of you are not D yet and she is thinking not just about having a child with OM, but also building a house with him?
Her plan of building a house is directly from her. She has a high income so she could do it.
She once mentioned a role model: the current German president, Joachim Gauck. He separated from his wife and his four children and has been together with his lover for a decade who now is the "First Lady" in Germany. Officially he is still married to his wife. This is against my moral code, I find it creepy. Thus I will live with the situation of W/OM only for a limited time, maybe 1-2 years - or until I am done.
Originally Posted By: Kaffe Diem
Just consider what would need to happen for your W do accomplish those goals, any time you think that there is not a possibility that the A could end.
Although nearly everybody around me has recommended to divorce W I continue to DB. Whenever the kids are with me in the house W comes daily in the evening after work to bring some clothes or rehash the school day with the kids. We talk friendly, at the end she gives me a hug - even in the darkest times she always emphasized that family life was "perfect". It's just that OM manages to attract her in some unknown way, as a "soul mate". I asked her once what's so special about him but she refused to elaborate. He's not good-looking, has a belly, a bald head, several health problems, has not finished any education and a negligible income with small-scale free-lance jobs and stays at home most of the day.
I51 XW51 T30 M18 D11/11 S9 2/12 ILYBINILWY 3/12 I left home 4/12 PA 9/12 XW left home and moved in with OM 4/13 I moved back to home 6/14 Big D
Long Run..just to let you know, H and GF were 8 mos. together, with I think, another month beforehand when he feelings I am sure. He wanted this to be a serious relationship, he talked about moving in....she broke up with him about three weeks ago. It was all very serious.
What I am saying is do not talk what your W says to heart. H looks happier than ever and is able to work on who he is.
I am sorry you find yourself in this sitch...become happy with you and where you are and your relationship with W will fall into place, whatever that R will look like, be it co parents, friends or spouses.
I happened to discover an LBS blog with an entry which contains a kind of recipe for the wayward-acting spouse how to best approach the "deal". Warning - black humor.
Come on and dig in, it’s time to get this rollercoaster rolling on down the tracks!
Chapter 1 – Choosing the correct speech
These are the basic speeches for you to choose from: I care for you, but I don’t love you anymore. I love you but I’m not in love with you (ILYBINILWY) I don’t know what I want. I haven’t been happy for the last 10/15/20/30 years (depends on the day). You will never change. It’s not you. It’s me. I wouldn’t choose you any more.
[Excerpt of remaining sections:]
Chapter 2 – Lessons in building anxiety Lesson 1 – Monstrification of Your Spouse Lesson 3 – Mass Confusion and Indecision Lesson 4 – Lies and Deceit
Chapter 3 – The Other Person (OP) Chapter 14 – The Blame Game Method 2: The Passive Blame Statement Method 3: The Direct Blame Statement
I looked at both, the bottom link has a better representation...and had huge irony in it. I wanted to crack a smile at a couple...but too many hit close to home.
Me-45,W-36 M-12 yrs, T-15 years SS- 16 Nov 2003 Initial B date, 2-3 others since EA/PA OM 2003-2004 Reconciled 2004 May 2013 Final BD, W completely detaches W files D June 2013 I am moving out 26 July 2013
With a hat tip to Kaffe Diem I am posting a link to a message of Virginia, a member of Michele Weiner-Davis' team:
Why You Haven’t Seen Change in Your Marriage (and What You Can Do to Fix It)
by Michele Weiner-Davis
If you have reached an impasse in your marriage-saving efforts, you will want to read this because it will help you diagnose the reasons you might be stuck. Don’t despair, just make sure you read this!
So, why haven’t you seen change in your marriage yet? Let’s take a look at a few possible reasons.
Today is June 30, the end of the first half of 2013, time to look back.
We often use the acronym "DB" on the forum. It is supposed to mean "divorce busting". In my view a better meaning is "depression busting". Michele Weiner-Davis' advice has helped me a lot to digest the pain and the anger after my wife held her "I love you but I am not in love with you" (ILYBNILWY) speech and all the other steps she has taken away from me. But regarding the relationship with my wife the first year of DBing has not yielded any tangible results towards reconciliation.
They say that most affairs don't last, that 80-90% are going to fail. Well, my wife started her affair behind my back and every single decisive step she took since then was getting closer to the "other man", OM. She announced the physical affair in April 2012, she left the family house and moved in with OM and my/our kids in September 2012, she is currently spending her second summer holidays with OM and my kids, she is introducing OM to her close and distant family.
Watching the progress of forum members I also don't see much hope. Initially I thought the success rate, of getting at least to the piecing stage, is maybe 20%. Now I think it is closer to 5% or even lower. Many marriages of vocal forum members have edged closer to divorce or divorce has been finalized. Crimson had started to piece but there is another setback.
All in all I have developed a sober view of the effectiveness of DBing. I am thankful that it has helped me to find an emotional balance - I do not feel like a piece of raw flesh any more as I did for weeks after ILYBNILWY. I am very successful with my "core 180", my main change correcting a deficiency of me during the past years. At "bomb drop" day I was still a houseman and student who couldn't pay any bills. One year ago I picked up an "A" diploma and have become an IT specialist with a very good salary who is sent to other continents by a famous multinational company. And the relationship with my kids has become even better than it had been before - in the rare times I manage to be together with them.
Whenever I am in the former family house and the kids split their week between me and W/OM frictions arise. W brings and picks up the kids, often she forgets something, is late, gives us some "tasks" (the kids should read that, meet that friend, go to bed early etc.). When I am far away from home my peace of mind is much better (except that I miss my kids terribly). Right now I am on my third two-month trip within nine months, 10.000 km away from home. Currently my company is looking for volunteers for a one-year stay in North America. I'll volunteer. I had never been outside of Europe until a year ago. Living in North America had always been a dream. So that would be long-term GALing giving W LOTS of time and space.
P.S.: nobody has filed yet.
I51 XW51 T30 M18 D11/11 S9 2/12 ILYBINILWY 3/12 I left home 4/12 PA 9/12 XW left home and moved in with OM 4/13 I moved back to home 6/14 Big D
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
" One year ago I picked up an "A" diploma and have become an IT specialist with a very good salary who is sent to other continents by a famous multinational company. And the relationship with my kids has become even better than it had been before - in the rare times I manage to be together with them."
Good for you longrun and congrats. If your W can't appreciate this ^^^it's her loss. Well done!
Newman
me40; W43 M18; T~20 D18; S13 & S3 bomb 5/9/11 EA busted 4/30/12; 9/4/12; 4/29/13; 6/10/13 same OM
Separated 4/1/14
"Even a flicker of light will shine through darkness-12/25/2012"....better days ahead.
