What the...?

[lovethehub]

Thanks KD and Sandi, I am taking your advice. I definitely wasn't leaving my home, just wasn't sure I wanted to continue on the same path because I feel we have done it before.

If I look at my situation realistically, I do see a little progress, I do see that he appears to think I am the one who needs to change, I do see why he is afraid to trust I am changing and that it will last. I have told him that I need to hear him verbally tell me at some point that he is willing to actively work on creating a new, better marriage. Until I hear it, I will keep doing what I am doing. If, at some point, I feel I have waited too long, I will worry about that then.

I really appreciate the advice

[lovethehub]

Feeling optimistic..we were away for 4 days (w/kids) for a conference around S's medical condition. It's a great time where we meet up w/other families dealing with the same thing and our S has friends who have the same issue.

Long drive, took extra time because of traffic and kids were bickering and annoying most of the 8 hr drive. H and I just kept calm and were joking around the whole time.

Throughout the weekend he reached out to me a LOT (PT is one of my primary LL's and he now knows this). Touching my leg, holding my hand, rubbing my back, etc.. It was great and I really enjoyed it.

We had a couple of disagreements but we after we were able to talk about it and move on. In the past he would hold on to things for a long time, sometimes days, so this was a huge improvement and definite work on his part.

Last night I told him how much I enjoyed the weekend and he said the same. Today I texted him:

"Feeling very happy. Thanks for the weekend, all of the little touches meant a lot to me. Next time WE go somewhere :)"

H: "You're welcome, sounds like a plan"

I don't know if I should have sent that because now I am worried that he is thinking he isn't that happy but he seemed it this weekend. At one point during the weekend there was a group of us hanging out at the pool and he was in the room and he texted me "I wish we were here alone and we were in the room together"

I feel like we are making progress and as long as I don't do anything really stupid we will get there one day.

[shouldistillhope]

LTH,

I am so very happy for you and your sitch. Just wanted to drop by and let you know i am pulling for you. You always seem to have time to stop by my thread and offer my encouragement and advice and i want to do the same for you.

I feel you and your H are making great strides, and if you follow advice and listen to what your heart is telling you, you will make this work.

Time and patience. Don't rush it!

Good luck.

[lovethehub]

Thanks so much. I worry about going through this all again because it isn't my first time at this rodeo, however, it is the first time that I have made any real changes. It is also the first time I am giving 100% without waiting for him to do so.

[lovethehub]

Completely frustrated and tired of the same old, same old.

H and S were watching a movie earlier today and I was on this site replying to someone, I heard H coming down and I minimized the site for no reason other than the fact that we aren't supposed to broadcast to them that we are "DBing". He asked what I closed out of so I told him "that site I like to go on" He knew I meant this and he went back upstairs.

Later, I went out to float in the pool, after a while they came out to play baseball, everything seemed normal until I tried to talk to H. He was very abrupt and sounded like he was mad. It started to rain so I went inside.

It cleared up quick and he was outside in the chair with his head back. He seems to do this when he is upset about something or thinking about us. He came in the house and was still acting the same way. I should have just walked away but I asked him what was wrong and he said nothing. I left for about 10 minutes, came back in the room and said "Are you sure nothing is wrong, you seem upset?" (This was about 2-3 hours after he came downstairs when I was on the computer) He said something about not knowing what I was doing when I was on the computer and why I was closing out of stuff. I just said "I didn't know you didn't believe me. I wish you would have been honest right then and said you were having a hard time accepting that as the truth because I could have shown you what I was doing, the site was minimized not closed." I said now it is too late for me to show you that I was doing what I said. I asked him not to keep things quiet that are upsetting him because it is more of the same behavior and things can't change if we do the same thing. He looked at me and said angrily "Yes, it IS more of the same behavior" I told him that I understood why it made him uncomfortable and said "Is there any other behavior I have been showing that would make you question me?" He said "No, but you did in the past"

At this point I asked him to try to stay focused on my current behavior and to let me know what he needs when things come up. Then he started getting mad and telling me how he works 14 hours a day and I get mad when his car isn't where he says he will be. I said "I am not sure why you are bringing up something from a month or two ago and if you have anger about how much you are working when I'm not, let's discuss it" (I didn't bother to mention that he chose to go back into management which will require these hours regardless of how much I am working).

He stormed off refusing to talk about it. I was getting dressed to leave and he came in and grabbed his hat so I said "Are you two going somewhere?" and he said no. So I went to leave the house and he was nowhere in sight. I called and asked where he was and he said he went for a bike ride. When I said I just asked if you were leaving, I need to go to the store and S doesn't want to go, he said "NO, you asked if we were both leaving". I said "Enjoy your bike ride honey". I was actually going to exchange his clothes that didn't fit..he can do it himself.

I honestly don't even feel like trying anymore when every little thing sends us back to the starting line. We haven't talked in 3 hours.

[lovethehub]

H didn't talk to me the rest of the night, didn't hold my hand when we were tv in bed (he has been every night) and stayed as far on his side of the bed as he could. The whole thing strikes me as very immature and I am grateful I have learned enough in the last few months to let it go.

I couldn't really sleep last night (normal, not because of this) and I thought a lot about our M. This Sept will be 10 years of M and I realize it has been this way for most it. I am exhausted from the constant struggle, the good times don't last and H has no idea how his actions affect our M.

This morning I just acted as if, talked normally, PMA. We were originally going to 6 Flags today with S and then leaving him at my mom's overnight and going to dinner and a movie. H decided yesterday he was going to work today because of the weather and he would take tomorrow off. I was in the shower and he came in and asked if I wanted to make reservations for dinner tomorrow night. I am glad he appears to have let this go and not give me the silent treatment, however, brushing it under the rug is not going to work because clearly there are issues.

I have not brought up anything since our conversation, do I bring this up? I am always aware of not doing things to make him run away again and not sure how this will go. However, ignoring it seems more dangerous.

My take on our M is this:

H has said a few times he understands why I had an A. This is lip service to me because his refusal to forgive, to move on, his anger and the fact that he still brings it up (4 years later) show he doesn't.

H blames me for all that is wrong in our M. I don't think this is in my mind. When we talked in May, I made it all about him. I validated his feelings and listened to what he had to say. It wasn't a game, I felt I had never truly understood him and wanted him to know I did. However, even when he spoke, he only focused on what I did. In the 6-8 weeks following, he still has not made any effort to discuss his part in any of this.

H has had several inappropriate friendships (EAs? maybe). We have never discussed them except in arguments and he says it is completely different. I told him a month ago that I wouldn't tell him to end his latest friendship (he says he only texts her every few months to see how she is doing and they haven't had coffee in at least 6 months" but that I had a big problem with it and if/when he realized I was more important I would like to know he ended it.

I said that, at some point, I needed to know he was willing to actively work on our M and to create a new one. His action appear to show he is working on it (or most of them) but he has not verbalized his willingness to commit to it. Lack of commitment from H is a HUGE issue in our M.

His comment yesterday about how much he is working show me that he is still harboring anger & resentment towards me but not showing it every day. I feel like the last 2 months are just another lie in our M.

[SemperFi00]

LTH, thoughts and prayers are with you.....

I'm not nearly to the place where you are yet (piecing maybe?) so can't really offer insight from any personal experience.

FWIW and from the little I have read here, it seems like this reaction may be part of the effort of moving forward - that there are ebbs and flows in the reconnection phases....

Just wanted to you to know you have support here. Stay strong!!

[SemperFi00]

LTH, thoughts and prayers are with you.....

I'm not nearly to the place where you are yet (piecing maybe?) so can't really offer insight from any personal experience.

FWIW and from the little I have read here, it seems like this reaction may be part of the effort of moving forward - that there are ebbs and flows in the reconnection phases....

Just wanted to you to know you have support here. Stay strong!!

[lovethehub]

Thanks Semper Fi, I appreciate it. H called me several times today but things still feel off.

I also find it annoying that for the last few weeks he comes home at S's bedtime after being gone all day and doesn't want to put him to bed. As an adult, I understand why, however, S doesn't and he needs to do it for him whether he is in the mood or not. I don't say this but I think it.

KD, any thoughts on my last few posts?

[T1000]

Hi LTH,

Just reading your last few days.

I think with us having such great tools as actually DBing and getting answers to questions on here we have a much better chance at becoming a good spouse.

Our spouses however don't have these tools and they are just "trying again".

Apologies for not knowing but are you two seeing a MC?