Sandi2's 37 Rules

[25yearsmlc]

PLEASE, TO BE CLEAR, the "rules" are NOT RULES.

They are guidelines based on MWDs's work, that are GENERAL
in nature.

Of course there are exceptions. But it's more than that. There are some "rules" that are suggestions for if/when they apply to YOUR situation...

There is NO ONE for whom all the rules will apply, b/c there are inherently contradictory "rules" (b/c your 180s will vary!). Make sense?


Think of it this way. As an example, IF YOUR 180 is to give gifts, (b/c you rarely gave them before OR you did not put much thought into it, or you bought gift certificates b/c they were easier, etc)

and your wife SAID (or you somehow KNOW) she wishes you spoke her "love language", which is gifts

and then on your anniversary you give NO gifts b/c you say "that's what the RULES told me to do so I would not be pursuing her...", then you would be missing the point big time.


The 180s and the legit needed changes you want to make in you, are THE BIG rules....follow them first!

(And of course always ask yourself if what you are about to do or say is going to move you TOWARDS your goal or just get something off your chest...


The rest of the 37 or 40 or whatever it is now, follow, but if/when they conflict, then THINK about the big picture.

Okay? Hope that helps, b/c the rules are NOT to be confusing. If they are confusing you then don't use them.

Hang in there and keep asking for clarification. You may have to go find the vets who can best answer b/c I think you'll get LESS confused. And I know that feels a lot better than the confusion this situation first brings...

[Hopeingforher]

All the advice I have been recieveing has been helpful I still dealing with the emptiness in my soul. I will keep working on my 180s I started councling to learn how to deal with my emotions.
I like to ask my next question and that is will there come a time or how will I know if I should start pursueing her as in courting/dateing or do I do nothing and just wait?
I feel like her puppet right now on a string.

[TryingToDo180]

Just do nothing, let her do all the pursuing. It does get easier, I promise Once you GAL of your own, she is pushed to the back of your mind and you'll probably find that she starts ringing you up more. At this point, don't take anything she says or does for granted. There will be a lot of baby steps along the way. Take each baby step as a step in the right direction. The only time that you can start pursuing her again is the time she tells you that she really wants you back That time may not come for you or me, which is why we need to work on ourselves and find a life without our spouses in it. She is going to have to work around you now, not the other way around!
Have you got kids? I can't remember. If you have you must spend the time you've got with them happy and full of fun!

[Hopeingforher]

Yes I have kids and whats killing me and her is the 3 year old gets on the phone and says mommy when are you comeing home? Ive told her the last time he did that you came home well at least you body was here your mind was not and I told her not to come back this time because he says that but come home when your ready to be my wife and partner was that the right thing to do

[TryingToDo180]

I think that was the right thing to do, but I'm not expert! You certainly don't want her yoyoing between the two houses and like you said it'll be bad for the kids. Keep working on yourself and PMA

[Hopeingforher]

Damn it the 3 year old did it again mommy come home daddy will get you making her cry after words she tells me how miserable she is feeling and what do I do fall into the trap again and say we really have to work this out for us and our son why do I keep doing that dang it Im very upset with my self

[TryingToDo180]

Your children should be with their mum, it's unfair on the 3 year old. You will have to tell your wife to take care of your children. Of course the 3 yr old is going to miss his mum, a 3 yr old should be with his mum!
Instead of asking her to come back home, tell her she needs to take care of her children. I know you've probably told me this before, but what's her reason for leaving her kids with you?
Next time she tells you how miserable she is feeling, tell her that you are feeling miserable as well but you can't have her yoyoing between the 2 houses because that will really hurt you and the kids. Try not to make her feel guilty about the kids, you don't want her to come home for the wrong reasons!
The only other thing you can do is be a mum and dad to your kids. Make life fun for everyone, especially the 3 yr old. Do you live in the States? Can you get help to look after the kids? Do you work?
I know it's probably alien to you, but you could take the little one to activities at the library and mum and toddler groups. You may find another male there and if not I can guarantee you will get a lot of attention from the ladies. Not in that way, just that they will want to look after you.
Do you go to any single parent groups? They will give you lots of helpful advice as they've been in similar sitches.
Do a search on the internet for free or cheap activities in your area.
Hope this helps, you've got a lot of homework to do now

[MrBond]

"I told her not to come back this time because he says that but come home when your ready to be my wife and partner was that the right thing to do"

Yes it was the wrong thing to do.

[TryingToDo180]

I think this rule is a hard one to follow - 31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.
Especially if you are used to telling them about your day!
I've just re-read the rules and I think this is the only one I'm not following.
I will practice this tomorrow when he comes round to see our son, but I mustn't ask where he's been or what he's been up to! lol.
The other rule I find hard is getting him to speak first, I hate long silences, lol.

[lost_hope]

DFE, I very much love my husband but I can't say I'm in love with him anymore. I am also doing this for my family. He has done this to me more than once so even if he did come back I'd have a very difficult time with trust.

With respect to 180s not everyone can apply 180s in the same way. 180 is the mathematical representation of turning around or doing something on the opposite spectrum. So if your normal thing is not to be affectionate or say I love you then I would say your 180 can include "I love you". Same thing goes with going dark. If you're usually dark and distant then maintaining that would not be a 180. I think I'm correct on that but vets please feel free to jump in.