Questions without answers...answers with questions

[albamarie]

Nero,

I read that wrong, I thought you were saying h admits to having no passion. Funny how our lumps of tar, that's being kind, think so much of themselves.

He was the one follow me, pursuing me, I first laughed ( being only 21) at the nerd who's jaw dropped when he saw me.

Now, I'm the one who can't quicken him when he's returning back to a lump.

Sorry, pick up your own big boy pants this time buddy.

You do for sure sound like a very passionate person, why else would you be here fighting and standing!

[nero]

oh man-

talk about standing and WHY BVOTHER????? yes - ta da - a really good day in the hood here.
\
THIS A.M- i pick up jake (1.2 yr) - he's got pneumonia and home frmo daycare - so we're here, had a walk - h went to see old aunt-& is going to play tennis too.

so jake & i are here & he comes in- just kind of mulches around- and then says very casually- "you know, if you want to stay down here longer and you want to consider the other option - and you'll let me go - uh - visit" that would be okay

soooo - this stinking thing i've been waiting on - ker plop - and just when i thought we'd safely navigated my stay with no giant THING - IT HAPPENS and for me - still no total indifference wtf????/ . i didn't go bonkers, or even raise my voice or anything- i think i said - "I just don't know - i hate it as you know - and been doing my best to be "neutral" - but honestly- the thought of me just telling you to go off to screw your girlfriend - the words just stick in my throat. we both know you'll do what you want- you always do". exit me

idk dawn- inside i am NEVER COOL in an emergency. i'm never "ready" it seems and i'm Never on top of this entire sitch. and i thnk of all the detachment stuff we all tell each other- i can't imagine total detachment and still bothering to stand. and how i appear to him- i can't even imagine.

probably a pathetic stinking cow.

there's MY dislike FOR THE PERSON HE seems to be now - which enables me to be "cooler" a bit- but i've got a really bad feeling that tho i'm not bleeding or radbid - ; only totally not being able to stand this guy and wanting him out of my life forever - totally- no backs (hate) - is what will make me "detached" ENOUGH.

i cannot (still apparently) get over him being able to say rite to my face this, like it's no big deal. and what's with the "You'll let me go" crap. like i have any choice or power here.
\

so - tho i thought i'd deal with it when it came (better) - i can't imagine sitting here in his stinkin house while he's up there. and then what? greeting him at the door _ "oh hello darling- did you have a wonnnnnderful time????

and what? make him a sandwich for the drive- like - what the f am i anyway. nothing to him and that is FOR SURE.

I thnk of you knowing your h sees ow regularly- and you know and how you must feel with that - and how far over the lines it's pushed you- i see, i really do. i cann't imagine how you endure it.

SOOOO - RATHER FEELS LIKE LIFE IN THE TOILET AT THIS MOMENT HERE- NOT THAT I HAD ANY NOTION ANYTHING WAS DIFFERENT- IT'S JUST THAT THIS IS SOMETHING I DON'T EVER SEE MYSELF GETTING ACCUSTOMED TO. (apparently)

AND LIKE YOU - IM THINKING the only way to deal with it all is to not know about it all- BUT - when i'm in nj I still know. the only way i will not know is total global nuclear war and me disappearing and/or cutting him out of my life totally..

than- yeah, i know- need that REAL JOB , etc. this [censored]. finances, eetc. homelessness, poverty, etc...

i was thinking i'd be a bit more "cool" in my head & insides about this. not like i wasn't expecting it. not like i thought it was alllll gone.

i'm sick of trying to read signs and stfu and waiting and waiting and waiting.....

i know i will continue- rite now i hate myself for allowing me to even remember how lonely it feels all alone - no kidding. this is icky as hell- "the devil you know" kinda thing. GOD - so like poor old linda- we're all supposed to be acting like it's okay- like all as if - like we got lives - like we don't give a darn - etc.

so like - blew that i guess - I was going to say WHATEVER - AND TOTALLY didn't even remember. and i shouldn't have responded at all rite??? oh man- this being perfect thing stinks- i'm just not.

SO, LIKE what the heck am i supposed to be telling myself? be glad it's only once every two or three or so weeks???/ be glad it's not every day or nite at work or after???

the thing is this- this kind of compartmentalization and bs can go on forever. i can really see now - that taking myself out of his life is the only thing that will stop the madness. i just hate that it will make me feel bad and my life lonely and succkie and not his. well, not that i'll know. well, change that back- i don't think he'll give a rats you know- he'll be glad for one less "complication" in his life. honestly- i'm thinking it.

he said other day he's "relieved" to have his dad gone and not have to run there - oh man- .....

i think honestly- he'll exist without me toooooo long for me to be "there" at the end, if there is one - when he realizes how very much i mean to hm- in his life, and so on.

i do believe it's there- i don't believe he'll know or acknowledge it ever.

okay- thanks for listening to my rant. will endeavor to not talk for rest of my life - (to him) and so on. oh well- another day in paradise huh???

i got a bad feeling you and i are going to have to affirmatively seek alternate mates. this is a icky thought for me- but i like company & companionship- and i cannot see how it will drop in my lap besides working somewhere with alot of people. honestly- are you going to do an online dating thing? ever??? do you contemplate it? have you looked at them.

i've always swore i wouldn't- but i' m looking at my mother and two divorced sisters- and i'd like a bit more thanks.

not that i'm criticizing them- i'm just NOT THEM.

TA DA- SO MUCH FOR ME AND PRINCIPLeS HUH? this afternoon should be a real pleasure around here. hope he stays away all day- i'm sure he will- playing with his "real friends".

oh mannnnn..

xxo

[albamarie]

Emergency c section. ..grandbaby on they way. Check in later.

[RosaLinda]

Congratulations on your new grandson Dawn Marie.

"I don't L him anymore so really the ball is in his court. I would be receptive to giving it that last chance, but I am not expecting or counting on it.
A man who gives himself to a woman whole heartily, can turn her heart toward loving him even more.
Also, when a women stops loving you, good luck getting that back! "

I hope and pray that your H does turn his heart back to you my friend, and that he successfully turns yours back to loving him again. I think you really do love him on some level. I hate to see you in such pain, sounding so down. Maybe the new baby will bring H back down to earth.

[nero]

DAWN -

OMG -

Emergency c section. ..grandbaby on they way. Check in later.

BEST OF LUCK AND PRAYE4S GOING U[P THRE TO YOU ALL FOR BABY AND MOM & EVERYONE.

XXOO love ya man

[Whiterose]

Congratulations. Hope everything goes well......babies are a beautiful gift!!!!

[albamarie]

Thank you for you well wishes!

He is a beautiful bouncing baby boy! Mom and my S are doing well. They're older than when I had my first S so they will be fine!

He has a very easy soft cry and is very content most of the time. My D19, S24, and H are all the same way, very quiet, and easily left to themselves.

I am excited for the new challenges. I need one now, my whole family has something new they are facing and I am still the cheerleader on the side making sure their lives are good.

I need to fine something for myself. Make changes for me that grow and meld with all the other changes.

I did set a new boundary. H started to hug me again last night after a good day so I let it ride, I thought we can end a great day on a good note. I was keeping my heart open, Linda, but my head in the game.

He wanted to ML this morning and I put the boundary out there saying, when the time is right I won't have the need to hesitate, we have a ways to go. He handled it fine, and went to make coffee for us both.

I feel good about drawing my own line...our future is not good and I wouldn't want to give him any mixed signals for him to misinterpret

[RosaLinda]

What great news Dawn! Baby AND H! Congratulations all around! It's nice to hear you sounding so calm and happy. Not ML prematurely is a great boundary. Plus the way you did it is perfect - not cutting him off forever, just saying that you'll know when the time is right. I'm glad HE is still interested!

[job]

Hi Dawn!
Congratulations on the new addition to the family. Have they selected a name for the little one yet?

I hope things will settle down as I think this little one is a true blessing to you and your family. Enjoy him as much as you can. Babies are so sweet!

[nero]

Oh hi dawn-

yay and congratulations. on alllll counts. you're sounding great- i'm so happy for you adn for that. good boundaries and good results- i'm jealous as usual- good kind, not bad one.

yay and i think baby a huge auspicious sign- call me a hopeless romantic and pollyanna -

while i'm cautious to the end- i'm seeing light at the end of your tunnel maybe- huge maybe i know so do n't go proposing tonite okay??? (joke)

love ya man and i share your happiness.

this baby will REMIND everyone of the important things in life- who knows- maybe your H will all of a sudden reclaim his brain & values (from baby hyeas & some wonder will seep into his being-

a person can hope - can't she?

xxoooo ((( )))