The hardest decision - need advice, please!

[MrBond]

Since no one is responding, I'll put in my two cents which you'll probably argue about anyway. But it seems like you're letting her cross over too many boundaries right now. She's cherry picking what she wants and what she doesn't and leaving you with the scraps.

If you don't start dictating what YOU want in life, she will continue to do that. AND she's building a nice, cozy love nest for her and the OM. That's what it seems like to me.

[MileHigh]

I think she was s little upset that when she held the cat he wiggled and cried to get down. I saw her looking out the back window for a moment looking pensive and thoughtful. No way to know what's going on in there, but still get a vibe that things aren't as rosy as she makes them out to be.

Sad for her as well as me. Still counting this as a good day, though.

Going to get my excercise and meditation in tonight. Go, me. :-)

[chasingpavements]

Hi dmr, I haven't read your whole situation yet, just the last few replies. Does it bother you when she comes over or are you ok with that? As Mr. Bond had stated you might want to set boundaries.

[chasingpavements]

Anyone else ever have a WAS snoop and find their DB notes, or have a negative reaction to their efforts at changing their behavior?

Yes! I found out that my H had been reading my posts on this forum!! I have no idea how much he read but the thought scares me. I also feel that he invaded my privacy by reading it, and it upsets me because this is my support that I need in dealing with everything going on.

[MileHigh]

About the stuff:

It doesn't bother me, and she could have taken all the stuff in one truckload, and I wouldn't have cared. I had said she could have whatever she wants, because it's just stuff. Maybe she took me at my word. So, going back on that does nothing for my character.

If I leave this place, I'm taking nothing with me but a few keepsakes and some clothes. That's not depression speaking, or a flippant reaction. In addition to working to pay off debts for many years, we have gotten rid of tons of stuff (dejunking, as they say). About the only thing I've failed to scale back on is tools. If I don't leave this place, there's still more stuff here than I want or need.

I've mentioned before that she's inherently selfish (by her own admission). She attributed it to being only child with an absent father, an abusive alcoholic mother, and problems with her step-father. She said she never learned to share well. She may have an inflated sense of entitlement to stuff, and financial help from me, but so far it's been within my own personal boundaries.

The one thing that really hurts is that she left on her birthday, before I got up. I had her birthday gift and card ready. Later on when she first came over to get some stuff, she put them in a cabinet, and there they sit. Every time I see them behind the glass door, it makes me a bit sad, but I haven't had the heart to do anything with them. I suppose could mail them to her, and she could toss them out if she wants. For now, I've just been acting like I haven't even noticed.

About the snooping:

I, too, felt that the snooping into my notebook was an invasion of privacy. We've both done that before and have had "discussions" about it - not productive ones, but heat of the moment stuff. I didn't mention much about it at the time, because it would have just been more pushing away.

From things she said, I think she believes I must have someone (she's always been very jealous, and given the state of our love life, she probably thinks I must have had another outlet). She called me on my friendship with a female friend back in CO I met on this forum - and at one point it may have drifted to EA status, but that was back in our first separation. Not saying that makes it right, but often the LBS feels the need to have someone to confide in to make them feel human and desirable again. She said I should consider that option and go back to CO. When I explained that there was no physical/emotional connection there, she said sarcastically that it's clear that "I'm a better person than her."

[MileHigh]

I realized looking back a few posts that I said it did and didn't bother me, the way she takes stuff. It was just that it seems so odd to act that way at the time. What bothers me is that I can't figure out WTF she's thinking when she does stuff like that (and neither can anyone else - maybe not even her).

Bottom line, though, it's not about the value of the furniture, or any of the other material stuff.

[MileHigh]

W thanked me today for "accepting service" and said "I'm sorry." (which means that this time when process server knocked on the door, I was actually awake).

Now I'm in back in a bout of deep heartache - thinking of OM and her again. If she had just wanted time apart and all that, I would be on board with that and able to focus more on the changes I need to make.

I'm still sticking to DBing up to and for some time after a D. We've been here before. Not sure if that makes the odds any better, the same, or much worse. Probably depends entirely on R with OM, just like last time. I know how strongly W feels our M wasn't real (a token, a M of convenience, etc. because we never had a "real" wedding). It's like we were just a couple living together. Anyway, I strongly believe she's taken all her problems to a new R that doesn't have a solid foundation. She, like many people, thinks you can't work on problems and that our behaviors are fixed in place, and the only solution is to find the magic person that makes it all ok. The Hollywood romance.

Time will tell.

I see no viable options for me staying here in the long term, but don't really see going "home" wherever that is. But, that's still ahead and I'm not looking beyond today right now.

[MileHigh]

There's a FB message waiting for me. Just can't bother to click it yet and see if it's from W and what she might want if it is. I'm in a mellow mood (probably because I overslept, and am still not on the right sleep schedule. It's hard when you sometimes have to work nights but are still expected to work days. The joy of beinf on salary).

Funny thing about being a night owl. No matter how bad things are, when the world goes to sleep around me, that's when I feel safe and at peace. It's my special time, when nobody can hurt me.

Anyhoo... G'night all youd day shift DBers. ;-)

[MileHigh]

Well, I looked at the FB message. It was something nice, and personal, related to our 17 yo cat that passed away last year (more annoying childless couple pet stuff, I know). She said she planned to give me a copy of the journal she was putting together with memories about him. It was something she started when he died.

I said thank you.

Now, if I could just get myself off to bed.

[RosaLinda]

Sorry to hear you got served DMR, that's rough. But YOU know -- being served with papers is not the end. Being in court is not the end. Even receiving a final divorce is not the end.

"Now I'm in back in a bout of deep heartache - thinking of OM and her again. If she had just wanted time apart and all that, I would be on board with that and able to focus more on the changes I need to make.

I'm still sticking to DBing up to and for some time after a D. We've been here before. Not sure if that makes the odds any better, the same, or much worse. Probably depends entirely on R with OM, just like last time. I know how strongly W feels our M wasn't real (a token, a M of convenience, etc. because we never had a "real" wedding). It's like we were just a couple living together. Anyway, I strongly believe she's taken all her problems to a new R that doesn't have a solid foundation. She, like many people, thinks you can't work on problems and that our behaviors are fixed in place, and the only solution is to find the magic person that makes it all ok. The Hollywood romance."

Believing you did not have a "real marriage" because you did not have a "real wedding" is such MLC barfy magical thinking. It sounds as if she is pretty confused, and looking for excuses to come by and see you.

Are you SURE that she is still with The Contractor though? Has she told you that?

I work one night each week as an ER nurse, and every day in my law office. So one day each week I'm up for 36 or so hours. It's rough isn't it? I can't sleep during the day, and don't sleep too well at night either.