Unlearning conflict avoidance 5

[LuckyLuke]

Hi all,

It has been a while since my last post. Since then, summer has come, W and kids are home, we had a good family vacation together, and last week, W had her 51st birthday. Herein lies a story.

On the night before, I got mad at her for leaving our first aid kit on my desk (one or two times a month, something, usually a phone book, gets left on my desk, right where I work, and not cleaned up like it should be, which always makes me irritated). I asked her, in front of a friend of hers, to please put away the kit the next time, to which she gave me a strange look.

The next day, her birthday, she was very nice, all day, responsive, supportive, etc, very different, a woman you would like to be with. I cooked a bunch of dishes to celebrate, and she seemed to like them all (had gotten advice from our daughter on what she likes). The birthday gifts were modest (a book, a Christmas tree ornament I had found in Poland, a gardening tool) and seemed to please her also.

So that was last Friday. Since then, she has been mostly nice, which sort of puts me on the spot. How do I respond to her being nice? The morning after her birthday, I went for a bike ride with a friend, without seeking her approval, and that was fine too.

I still sleep downstairs, away from her and the kids. Next weekend the kids are gone for 3 days, and W and I are alone. How do I deal with it being just the two of us here?

Thanks -

Luke

[MrBond]

Welcome back. Has she still been pushing for a D?

[LuckyLuke]

Hi Mr. Bond,

No, no discussion of any kind on this. She is painting and renovating the house a good deal though, as well as spending a lot of time in the garden (it's been sunny and hot here).

Luke

[MrBond]

Before she wanted to sell the house. How does she feel about it now? Something must have changed because the last time you were on, she was on a one way ticket to end things.

Can you detail how your interactions have been since then?

[LuckyLuke]

I don't know how she feels about selling/keeping the house. Painting and renovating could be either to simply improve the place (she is a trained designer and perfectionist craftsperson), or to get it ready to sell.

Our D starts high school in Stockholm this fall, and has a small room there. W may spend nights there also, keeping D company. I don't like this, but D does need a parent around.

Interactions were often negative during family vacation, but we had a reasonable time nonetheless. I then spend another 2.5 weeks in the States, and came back on the same day as my BIL + nephew showed up, who spent 4 days here. A few days later I had to travel for business, which was either fine for wife or she did not care. The improved behavior is since I am back from this business trip.

I guess the best way to describe it is simply less negativity coming from her. My challenge is to make more positive come from me (instead of neutral or nothing).

Luke

[MrBond]

When your D is gone, how about planning a nice dinner with your W at someplace totally different than where she's used to seeing you go? Do something different that shows her you're totally different. That would be a good time to show any changes.

Has she brought up divorce talk?

[LuckyLuke]

No, no divorce talk. The dinner idea is good - thanks.

She does not know about EE.

Luke

[MrBond]

She really doesn't need to know about EE. Any other changes that you've made personally? I think you're on the right track.

[LuckyLuke]

I've been working on being more outgoing, talking at parties, and just being myself, and I now enjoy them more. I correspond with an EE person and it is great to have a friend and share things.

Still do work in the garden, picking berries (lots this year!), watering (lots this year!).

Positive - she gave me two framed graphics to hang up, both of which I like. Must do that, and validate her gifts.

Negative - our cats kill too many birds and mice, in W's opinion. We now take them out only on a leash. Last night the one cat meowed and made noise to keep me awake, so I threw him out, free, no leash. W said I should not have done this, as it messed up the system, and that she didn't care if I could not sleep. I was shocked and just said okay, with no further exchange.

It feels like she crossed a boundary, though, and I am not sure what the right response should have been. She also seems sourer now, maybe because I did not push back against her excessive remark.

Back to carrying on bravely.

Kids leave Thursday morning, returning on Sunday evening. Will see if W is game for something fun, though I have no expectations.

Thanks,

Luke

[StubbornDyke]

Good to see you back here, Luke.

How about if W wants to keep the cat in at night, then it can stay in the room she's in and she can be in charge of managing her "system".

Or, if the cat is meowing to go out, you take it up and put it in the room where W is sleeping?

If W asks, you say the cat was crying for its mother.