"o worked on painting the house o made dinner sometimes o was very agreeable and pleasant on her birthday"
These aren't things that she's done FOR YOU. I think you've been so passive that you forgot what it's like when she does something nice FOR YOU for a change. For example, does she go out of her way to ask how you're feeling? Does she go up to you and give you a hug? Does she give you a back rub without asking? Etc.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
None of the above: she doesn't ask how I am feeling (beyond indirectly, such as "how was the flight?", when I come back from a business trip), plus there is no physical contact between us, so no hugs or back rubs.
I try to be friendly, such as asking how this school year will be, whether she will be home for lunch, and we can have a simple conversation. More intimate stuff doesn't exist right now.
I am glad for a friendly word, and maybe someday there will be more.
Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
Then why don't you slowly increase the intimacy of the conversations. Start slowly talking about more than just the weather. Ask your W for her feelings slowly and see where that leads. It won't be immediate, but give it a couple of weeks and see if it works.
Either way you have to stop acting like the help and start acting like an individual.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Your distinction between behaving like a husband or a butler is helpful - thank you.
I had application for it this morning, when I brought my W tea, asked what she wanted for breakfast, brought it to her, and then left. A few minutes later I realized a husband would have brought his own breakfast up also, and stayed with her. Next time will be better!
Of course, I intend to carry my load in the household, but this needs to be done in the right, not subservient, way. As my T said, "take space!" (assert yourself, be there!). Butlers are mostly invisible, husbands are not.
Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
Yes, there is a clear pattern of her saying no to whole family activities or to activities with me. She keeps at a physical distance from me even, if we have to sit on the same bench, for example, she'll slide away, avoiding getting to close. Or another example: daughter proposes that family play a board game together, but W refuses, mumbling some excuse. Later I see W watching a movie with daughter.
I understand that not participating is her choice.
I sleep downstairs, away from the others. Evenings are typically dinner at 6 or 7, then kids and W go back upstairs, and I am alone until going to bed. Daughter or son may come down for a few minutes, but basically Youtube is my only companion.
It feels like my reason to live - the kids - has been taken from me. My W has won the battle, and I can only do damage control.
If we were to divorce, then I would probably have some access to the kids at least. As it is, I do not feel welcome upstairs, where I am an intruder, and so am consigned and punished (for what?) to being alone downstairs.
Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
I just proposed that the family rent canoes tomorrow, while son is still here (before returning to college). W was non-committal, citing needing to translate the difficult words of 25 short stories (she teaches English) into Swedish. I offered to help, but she was non-committal on that also.
At least not a full blown no from the beginning - maybe that is something - hmm -
Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
