Doing 180-Now Husband Emailed Me. What Next?

[NewOutlookNow]

Hi Everyone.

I'm brand new to the group and have been reading a LOT of these threads recently for support. Now I'm hoping someone can give me some advice.

My husband seems to be going through a mid-life crisis. I found out he had an affair with a woman he met at a convention right before his 49th birthday. Even though it was only going on a few months, he wasn't ready to give her up.

On a side note, my husband always had this idea of what he'd want to accomplish by the time he was 50, but now that he's just a year away from that time he's realizing that's never going to happen. We don't have any children, but I was one month pregnant when he started his affair, but have since miscarried.

Initially, he said he was sorry, he didn't love her, it's over...but later I found out she kept contacting him and that he had another affair with her a month later during another convention out of town. Afterwards, he still was communicating with her. I couldn't take it and we kept arguing. I went out of the country to visit my parents and when I returned, I received an email stating that he moved out and will be living in-town (we live in suburbia).

In his email he wrote, "having time apart will tell how this will turn out. Let's not talk for two weeks to let the air clear".

Since I received the email that he was moving out, I haven't initiated contact with him once. Two weeks ago, he sent me an email to ask how I was doing. I went into a long email that said I was doing a lot of self reflection and realized my part in the breakdown of the marriage (did not mention his faults at all) and things I'm doing to work on myself and would eventually do to improve our relationship (as I do know there are things I've done wrong as well). He never replied to that email. We've had three brief emails since then that were super brief and only bill related.

He works from home, so I have no idea where he's living or what he's up to these days...although it's only been a month since he moved out. A few days ago I did a search on the internet and found out he "just" joined some social clubs (MeetUp) and even joined some "Single" ones. In his profile, it says "he's not old yet" looking to get out and mingle, etc. So, he's obviously exploring the "grass is greener" concept plus he may still be involved with the OW (who lives out of state).


Yesterday, it was officially one month since I received the email that he moved out. This is the email I received from him.

Subject line: Where do you think we stand now?

Email body:

It's been a month and I was wondering how you are doing over there.

You haven't emailed so I am guessing you have started becoming more and more independent etc............... thoughts?

I've been following the Last Resort/180 Technique, but have no idea how I should respond to this? I don't know if he's just curious if he can continue with his "cake eating" and wants re=assurance that I'll still be here for him. Or if he's actually starting to think about things and maybe starting to miss me, possibly even have some second thoughts.

I don't want to be the one to answer his questions. He made the decision to have an affair, move out, etc. I feel he needs to be the one answering these questions. I have no idea what's going on with him. Nonetheless, I think it's best to keep my reply upbeat, positive, but somewhat vague/mysterious.

Any suggestions on how to respond? I would really appreciate some feedback. :-)

[KarenR]

I am sorry you are in this situation. It would be incredibly helpful for to work with a DB coach. This is the type of situation they deal with daily. Infidelity is only one of the issues you are dealing with. They will help you come up with the best plan on how and when to interact with him, plus they will give you the support you need to go forward and stay strong. Take good care and I would look forward to discuss the coaching with you.