Questions without answers...answers with questions

[albamarie]

Previous- http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2373579&page=1

My last post brought over!

What if what we are going thru is a test, this test is a mirror, a mirror that reflects who we are, how we react during our hardest times.

What if we were meant to go through this journey, would we be reflecting on who we are as a person if we weren't, or letting life's busy days consume us.

I can only speak for myself, I know I was all consumed with H, my kids, the house, money, a life I may not have really a been participant of, I let myself go.

Just hours before my H quit his job he told me he does everything for us good and bad, for our benefit he has gone crazy. Then he looked me in the eye and asked can that be enough for me to understand he's not trying to hurt me, or hate me, it's all he has left to give of himself.

If my M is over I am content in knowing it is because I say it's over. It's not what H wants, I believe when he says that, but I'm the one who has to look in the mirror and like who I see.

I was never one to believe that an A was the end of a M. I was so bold as to say I would not let another woman's (insert ugly word here) tear down my M.

Today I can still say it is not the A, is was brief and w someone really beneath me, tho it did violate something precious between us, it's not the emotional scare that won't heal.

I have replace my love language with angry words toward my H, but yet these words seem to have a great passion of their own.

I am ready to move on, away from him, but am I ready to let go? That seems to be the last step in truly knowing when your done.

I speak as if there is no hope...I'm protecting myself...I believe there is no hope. I don't feel M, I do feel cared for, protected, but not M to the L of my life, so no H it's not enough for me.

[albamarie]

Snodderly,

Good morning, I am okay, but not at my best. UR is right, there is an air of sadness about me, it's not all consuming, but it is a part of me.

Urworthy,

Thank you, your words are very calming and right on target w what I need to hear. I pray you are doing well and your son.

~~~I'm struggle w how H will be home at night now, 8 yrs after I cried for him to make the change for me.

I asked him this morning...why did you quit your job, he didn't want to talk about it, but said he has some guilt feelings.

I believe the reason comes in several parts...he was really frustrated w the new work load...tho I know he would have endured.

He told me days leading up to this that he wanted to be done w EA and this would be the way to not have to look her up, because he wouldn't be stuck north of the city between gigs.

So is it ok that he had to literally leave to leave her? Does it count...has anyone gone thru this and it made the difference?

Then there is the slightest thought that he left also because of my date. Tho he has done nothing impressive or concrete could this be his way of "choosing me" for lack of better explanation.

I believe the answer is a combination of them all, and maybe he really doesn't know for sure.

LIke I said, he came home, declared having left his anger, EA, and bad attitude there at the job. He said he is "home" and I made sure he defined "home" and as he did, he also throw in about bring up his L for me again.

OMG! what do I want? Well, I thought I was throwing out my H and ending my R of 24yrs, once again he beat me and throw me thru the loop.

[nero]

hey hi dawn-

yeah- it's a tricky one isn't it? this business of laying down and dying before you can chop him outof equation.

i am not sure what it all means. i'd think he isn't sure what it all means- and then, of coures, why in the world would you know what it all means?

after all- this is a man with troubles, telilng you it's his way of providing a solution. idk-

you know me- you'll rue the day you ever said to me to "sit still and wait for wisdom". it's all i got-

i'm feeling really stinkin done myself- it's all we have.

after allllll this time and agony on your part- now, IF your h has come to some sort of epiphany - or whateverthehell it is- donja have to give it a whirl?

well- just stay open in mind one bit- while he "shows you" what he's got?

idk- it's soooo insane. i'm sorry you're not at your best.

i hope it asses - you're sure right about buying into the life you thought you had- me too- lock, stock & barrel.

i've spent soooolong allowing it to be the biggest part of me- and thinking it was the best thing in my life (this r tht i do not have) - it's hard to reverse. i'm workin on it- still plugging along.

like you- not sure really now how i feel - and how i'll ever feel in future. i want more- you want more- we all want more.

THEN I THINK - eeeek- this sounds a heck of alot like THEM- want more, other guy ismakin us mserable - etc.

it's a funny thing- perspective - isn't it?

glumb day here- my mothr is like those hands popping out of the ground in a graveyard in a cheesy monster movie - grabbing your ankle - holding you back- sucking you down.

slept lousy last nite thinking about going BACK there. eeeeeeek

i think i can managhe anotehr weeek here before h begins (maybe) to pressure me -

if he wasn't such a screamer and A$$hole whenever it comes to discussing anything in the universe - i'd be alot less hesitant to jump in and state my intentions- needs - plans.

instead i gotta get that lame ole "you're indecisive" junk.

yeah- well something about finding yourself living with a stinkin nazi that has giant notions of everything and how it's GOT TO GO or the world comes to an end- that sorta takes the desire away to share one's insights, opinions, preferences, etc.

ya think.

i hope you gt a bit perked up- REMEMBER - WE ARE IN fact alive, sane and well and looking forward to our futures in the sense of "when this is ALLLLLOVER and just a bad memory"

we can do it -

oh yeah- gotta add my perennial thought that i would give quite alot to hear "i'm done with ow" or anyhthing even approaching it-

it's SOMETHIN - (rather big in my world anyway)

GOTTA WAIT TO see what he means by it- and then to see what you do with it - huh???

xxoo

[uRworthy]

Hey dawn. I think your question is one you need to answer. What is it that you want?

If you decide that you would like to see where this goes with your h, then you have to be prepared for a few things.

I agree that the reason he quit his job may be a combination of those things you said.

And really, it doesnt matter that he had to leave his job in order to leave her. Remember, he is in crisis. They can barely think straight.

Sometimes, when they are faced with a date like the one you gave him, it could jolt them into realizing that they may really lose you.

And that it is something they do not want.

But that doesnt mean he is out of the woods yet. And so, you need to get yourself together, figure out what you want and be prepared for some stuff.

He is likely going to have some withdrawal from the ow. He is likely going to be a bit depressed.

Your job is still to give him space and work on you. He needs to figure this out for himself.

If you decide to give him a chance, you have to be strong here, sweetie.

This part isnt for the faint of heart.

So, sit with all this for a bit. Roll it around in your head.

And you might have to ask TVS for some popcorn.

We are here for you.

[sweetbabyred]

Dawn,

yes, it does seem that your h has changed his mind overnight, so I wouldn't get my hopes up too much, but at the same time, I'd give him credit for making an attempt.

If ea really is an addiction, then maybe quitting his job and not being in the same town as her is what he needed to do to break away.

It's not Sept 1 yet, so keep being patient and see what happens. If you think he's only doing/saying this to avoid moving out, you can deal with it then.

If he really does want to make your marriage work, he'll be willing to go to counseling, talk about things, etc.

Just take it day by day and take care of yourself first. You are very strong and you'll survive and thrive, no matter what happens.

[complicated]

Dawn,
Who knows why these mlcers do what they do. But in my book you never know something until you try. How do you not try? I think you still need to give him space and let him figure things out.

I am at a similar point as you. My h is all over the place. Wants to work on it doesn't want to. I finally had to say that's it. You have been at this a long time too! I can definitely see how you finally had to draw the line, as did I.

If my h would decide he wanted to work on things right before the d is final I still would try.

Stay true to your boundaries.

We are all here pulling for you either way. We all want what you want. You went through this process for you.

Good luck Dawn!

[RosaLinda]

Dawn Marie "OMG! what do I want? Well, I thought I was throwing out my H and ending my R of 24yrs, once again he beat me and throw me thru the loop."

Nero "after allllll this time and agony on your part- now, IF your h has come to some sort of epiphany - or whateverthehell it is- donja have to give it a whirl?"

You sound so sad Dawn. I'm sorry that you gathered up all of your emotional stamina, took a deep breath, and gave H a deadline, and then he took the wind out of your sails but dumping EA and coming home. It took a lot of courage to do what you did. 

uR is right, - the proper question at this time is "what do I want?" but Nero is right too. This is what you've been working so hard to accomplish. So I say, give it some time my friend. Stand back and see what happens. Sept. 1st isn't for another month, and a month in MLC is like a year for a normal person I think!

Nero "i hope you gt a bit perked up- REMEMBER - WE ARE IN fact alive, sane and well and looking forward to our futures in the sense of "when this is ALLLLLOVER and just a bad memory""

Yup that's right Nero. By hook or by crook, I'm going to be free if this miserable man I live with. He'll either wake up and return to earth, or I'm instituting Plan B.

[nero]

hey dawn-

just checkin in. hope all is okey-dokey in dawnland. it's sure an up and down thing with your H.

as usual- i'd take a "sign" any sign - a show of life "in there". an indication (of whatever wacky sort) that there was something going on in his head and heart - anything at all.

at least you know your h is in there som ewhere- or at least that a "person" is in there. if he can feel pain & confusion- he's still alive i reckon.

what i get is nada. i know it's better than a load of "bad" - it's not better than signs of communication - of anything- JUST WHAT'S INSIDE HIM.

YA KN OW- THIS BUSINESS OF THE JOB AND EA AT same time. it's occurs to me that somehow- my whole THING here is tied up with my h and his mlc- but also with my mother. she's so like him in mny ways- or he's so like her- somehow it is all bunched up together. i can't disentangle them. maybe somehow it's like that with your H - the job- location- her- etc. - IT'S ALLLL become so intrtwangled - the only ting he can think of is getting "free of IT " AND that is what came to mind. ditch it all- everything about it- all associations, etc.

i personally- frequently fantacize about running away (AND IT'S ALWAYS FROM BOTH OF THEM AND THEIR SITCHS AND THE INsanity they produce in me- WHATEVER THE HELL it is they want from me- it's becoming TOOOOO MUCH. I FEEL like they're hanging on my ankles and i'm trying to run away from smeting dangerous. hard to do with two huge honkers hanging on to you.

just my THOUGHT DU JOUR - if it's all tangled up together- it's still a gesture on his part - trying to shed it. maybe huh??

mostly i'm perfectly sane i think - so who knows how these giant emotional burdens get linked in such a desperate way? i feel desperate sometimes (lack of sleep usually_ ) but it's big and it's real. i'd like out of that all if i could figure out how realistically. (but- i also realize i'm lonely all alone and might miss either of them if they died tomorrow) it's never easy- hey- maybe i'm a spirit-mate of your h? wanting to quit a bad addiction that is hurting me- but still hard to let go of?



EVEN A KNOCK down - drag out- would leave me feeling like we evern "touched base "with ECH other - rather than just superfically floating along- nothing going deeper than the surface.

i'm not hardly believing anymore there is anything inside this guy. and i thnk of him once - a few years ago - saying I have no PASSION. CRIPES - I HAVE SOM UCH I'M SCREAMING AND YUELLING EVERY DAY ABOUT SOCIAL injustice, loads of causes, loads of people i know who need a friend- support- etc.

i got nothin but - i think sometimes. i'd like some neutrality and ability to not have emotional waves crashing out of me constantly-

go figure- maybe i don't know what the word means - "passion".

now- i think it must mean desire to jump his bones and be bold and obvious about it. hard to want to when you're gttin NOTIONG in return in life in general- well, let me alter that to noting but BAD TREATMENT AND JUNK day to day.

go figure huh?

[albamarie]

''stay still and the answers will drop in your lap. Impatience is our enemy''

I bored this from Linda, where it was passed down from another wise women.

It's just about all I got right now. I have no feelings for H as he slugs into the couch after a long work weekend.

I am not impressed by any move he may have made by leaving his permanent job, nor by how he's very detached from me, tho I am also very detached from him.

I don't L him anymore so really the ball is in his court. I would be receptive to giving it that last chance, but I am not expecting or counting on it.

A man who gives himself to a woman whole heartily, can turn her heart toward loving him even more.

Also, when a women stops loving you, good luck getting that back!

~~Nero,

Passion, my H said the same thing and I just read about it on another thread here. If they are all after something passionate, full of life and heart moving they could have just turned to (in my case) their equally as bored spouse and kicked it up a few notches.

I was bored too, in a rut as a lot of people M as long as I was. My H wanted passion but at least your admits he's not passionate.

My H can't give or find something he himself does not posses. Dorky, nerdy, quirky guys are not passionate, they're odd and enduring, fun and simple.

You do have a load with H and your mom. Don't let their issues deviate from what Nero needs. Believe I get the runaway feelings.

~~I will wait, Sep is a long way away in MLC land, and SBR your right he would start talking, at least as the date approaches.

~~Complicate, thanks stay true to my boundaries is the only thing that helps me get thru this.

~~Ur, what do I want? Still working on that everyday! Right now I want what I may not want tomorrow so I'm just as confused.

Thanks everyone!

[nero]

hey hi-

naw man- my h doesn't KNOW he's not pasionate - apparently he thinks he is- what a load huh? he's about as passionate as a lump of tar...

yet quirky & interesting is okay too- oh well- they don't gt it that no one alive is perfect - them included