Newcomer's brief summary

[doubledown]

I made my first post on 7/24/13. Since then, I've been advised to post a brief summary of my situation to inspire more responses:

I discovered that my wife is involved physically and emotionally with a coworker. She has no idea that I am aware of this. I found out by going through her text messages. It was devastating. All the "I love you's" and "can't wait to wake up to your every morning", "you're the first thing I tink of when I wake", "I'm only with my husband for the children's sake", etc. I'm ridiculed and the joke to the two of them.

I've read the DB book and I am currently reading DR. I've also read some other books on infidelity. I'm smart enough to realize and accept that I have no control over her or her feelings and actions. I need to focus on myself and improving. Since she has no idea that I am aware of many of the fine details of her relationship, I have the benefit of putting into practive the DB methods. This however, is so challenging because I am so ambivalent. Sad and crushed one day, angry another. I've been able to hold it in and put on a consistent happy, calm, non-judgemental/critical demeanor. I've been actively working around the gardens and house to make life easy on her. She says thank you for what I do, but she's still preoccupied with the OM to really appreciate it. I'm hoping she will take notice of my 180's because prior to my discovery, I was angry, critical, judgemental and had no patience with our two boys 8 & 5.

Regardless, I am the significant cause of her disillusionment with our marriage. Granted, she has contributed a good portion to the current state of our marriage as well. Now, the challenge is wait and see if this affair dies or grows stronger. All I can do is be consistent with my improvements and hope one day she realizes she's made a mistake and wants to rebuild our relationship.

I've spoken to a DB coach, Joanne. We've discussed my plan to continue this and have made a list of no-no's. It's just so tough watching her drive away to work, but really knowing she's going to spend the day with the OM. She tells me she works 7 days a week, but she takes days off to spend with the OM. That' is the hardest part right now. The lies, lies, lies.Right to my face. Takes alot to grin and bear it!

I love this woman and my family. I am committed to this marriage. She is the love of my life. If this is what I have to do to regain her love and trust, that's what I'll need to do. I must be having a good day, because Iknow I'll be challenged soon and may feel differently. There''s lots of work to do. This affair dying would be a good start. I think it's been going on since April 2013.

Any advice out there?

[AnotherStander]

What did the DB coach tell you about how to address the affair? Your W is engaging in "cake eating", she's living her "married with children" life while also actively engaging in an affair. Personally I think you should let her know you're aware of the A so that you can set some boundaries. I'm not saying get in a big fight about it, rather I'm saying sit down with her and calmly disclose that you know what she's been up to and lay out whatever your boundaries are, then give her a timeframe to decide what she wants to do.

[cat04]

Please do not confront your W at this point.

Follow the advice of your DB coach, at least for now.

Confrontation never goes calmly and rationally. And until you know exactly what boundaries you want or need, the real possibility exists that you may say stuff that you regret later.

The time will come when this does come out, but I don't think it is anytime soon.

Please keep posting so you can get off of moderation and get some people reading your thread.

[hotwheelsaust]

doubledown, my hat is off to you. To know this is happening and to improve yourself while not discussing the subject is a huge burden on you. It seems you are dealing with it a lot better than most could. While I agree with AnotherStander, I also see cat04 point.
I think if you have lasted this long without discussing the affair, and you are putting the DB principles to use, then it is probably best to continue doing what your DB coach has advised.
Good luck.

[RealityTrip]

(((((doubledown)))) OK. Now you know. Now stop snooping. It's only going to hurt you. You are not going to like anything you find right now. We've all been there when dealing with infidelity. The obsessive urge to "know", to "understand" her choices. They are never going to make sense to you.

Did your DB coach tell you not to confront her on her A? There is definitely a time and place for it. What was DB Coach advice?

[doubledown]

Thanks for you reply AnotherStander! My DB coach and I discussed whether I should disclose my knowledge of the A and we agreed it's probably best for now not to say anything and focus on DB techniques. But, I wanted to get some perspective from others who have gone through this as well. I can understand the "cake eating" idea, but she tells the OM how she can't stand it (living with me). Is the "cake eating" concept that she is able to maintain a place to stay, see our kids daily, have the expenses covered, etc., but still able to go out and spend time with OM? Because she sure spends most of her day gone. Comes home around 9:00pm and in bed by 11:00. I've really been working hard at being in a good mood, not asking alot of questions about where she's been or what kept her so late at work. I'm trying to give her space, but I just saw an email that said she can't stand it at home because I'm always around and she can't even get a minute to send the OM an email. I guess that means I need to give her even more space! I don't think I'm ready to divulge my knowledge of the A. I'd hate for her reaction to be radical and move out quickly. I just don't feel confident dictating what the boudaries should be right now. I'm the odd man out. She's the one who is making choices that could cause everyone invloved alot of damage.

[doubledown]

Hi Cato4! Thanks for your input. I'm in agreement with you regarding my situation. I believe it's still too early to determine boundaries and as I mentioned to AnotherStander, I'd hate to instigate a radical response from W.

I'm looking for different perspectives on this whole thing. How did your revelation come to light? What was the response from spouse? What happened next?

Again, thanks for responding.

[doubledown]

Thanks for your response hotwheelsaust! And thanks for the compliment. It IS TOUGH! But, I realize that I have no other choice right now if I want to give our M any chance at all. I'm going to maintain my DB techniques and keep mum on what I know. Hopefully, I'll see something change but have no idea what kind of time frame I'm looking at. I'm already 180 degrees more pleasant to be around than I was a month ago, but W still complains to OM that she can't stand being around me. Of course, if what I've learned so far from DB, this community, "affair fog" research, etc. is true, she's a little out of her mind and it's all about her pleasure, needs and selfishness right now. Man, that's the hard part. Knowing what I do and watching it everyday. The lies to my face, the grand hugs and kisses for our 2 boys when she comes home and the little nod I get. Whew.

[doubledown]

Thanks RealityTrip! I certainly appreciate your response and suggestions. I know. I tell myself right before I pick up her phone, "You don't want to see this", but I do it anyway. Sometimes, I'm able to convince myself to leave it alone, Because, you're right. I know. It's happening. Whether I read about it or not, it's happening. I'm working on it. I'll get there.

You're certainly right about it not making sense to me. The big thing is this, and just humor me, please; My wife is a professional with 3 advanced degrees and earned a 6 figure income for years. Due to the economy and loss of her job, she began working at a landscaping design company. The OM is an overweight, immigrant hispanic guy who speaks broken english and doesn't even hold a highschool diploma. WTF? I cannot comprehend this at all! Your thoughts on this?

Thanks for the encouragement.

My DB coach and I decided it's probably best not to confront W at this time.

[doubledown]

By the way, should I click "reply" in each individual posters post or hit "quick replay" in the box at the bottom of the page? If I respond to an individual, does my response show up for all or just that poster? I want to get as much exposure to others as possible. Thanks for your suggestions.