BLUF – The W came last night, wanted to talk, told all, apologized, and agreed to conditions so she is now living again in our home.
In the evening I was talking on the phone with my sister and telling her that I didn’t expect W to come back. About an hour after that conversation, my W came by with a little gift from the tooth-fairy for my 7 year-old who just lost a tooth. It was bedtime, so she stayed to put my youngest to bed. Afterwards, she asked me if I wanted to talk.
She started by telling me how she’s feeling, what she feels for me … I stopped her, telling her that I didn’t want to hear about her feelings because they don’t justify what she did. She hesitated but finally got down to telling me what happened. She had her surf lesson, went to lunch with all of them afterwards. She got his number and texting started. She went with her GF the next afternoon to the beach to watch them surf and she took pictures. That night, the Surf Guy, her GF, and W went out drinking in downtown. They went to many bars and were drunk. He drove them afterwards to his friend’s house where they were have a party. More drinking. Then he was going to drive my W and GF home. They were in the car, and his friends as well as my W and GF said he was too drunk to drive. The GF got out of the car to go inside and call a taxi. In the car, my W and him started kissing, touching each other, and then she gave him oral sex. The taxi came, my W and GF left.
Not pleasant, but for me it is better to know the details rather than my imagination running wild.
This was the last time they actually met, although my W did invite him to two places. She has not contacted him since July 19th when I put the boundary on texting OM. Interestingly, he never contacts her first, she always initiated the contacts.
Do I believe everything she told me? Yes.
She did apologize to me too. We spoke, actually she spoke, for the next 2 hours. I don’t think somebody can come out of MLC in a week’s time of reflection, but my W was very candid in addressing her issues. She said she just felt like something was missing inside, that she missed opportunities, and was/is unhappy. She acknowledged that she’s been treating me badly. She said I was the best thing that happened to her. She said a lot.
Some interesting comments were:
My W always feels like she doesn’t have the courage to do things, such as moving out on her own. She said after leaving that night she realized that she could move out. She said that she could see herself moving out and living on her own for a few years, but when she looked forward 5 or 10 years she would be looking for a relationship. She thought about the type of man she would want to be with, and she said it would be me, and she didn’t want to be that stupid to leave me now to only look for somebody like me later.
My W says I’m not the man I was a year ago. I’m a much better version. She remarked that it could have gone the other way; with all the stress she was causing I could have become a worse version of myself. All the 180’s were definitely noticed and appreciated. She also appreciated all the things that I was doing over the past 7 months in terms of making her feel loved (per DB coach I read Five Love Languages and was applying that).
One thing that really got to her was something that happened soon after she cheated on me. My MIL who is staying with us needed a root canal. My W and I have supported her parents since we were married – 22 years. I even bought a condo for them to live in. My W’s brother has never really helped out financially. My W called her brother to ask him to split the cost of the root canal. His reply was that relations with his W were not good, he didn’t want to tell her he was spending $ on his parents, and he then told my W that she should pay all of it and consider it as paying for the babysitting that MIL was doing. One of my sailing friends is an endodontist, and he gave us a 20% discount. We paid for the root canal, and I didn’t complain at all (well, except I did remark about her brother). She said how good I've been to her and her family over the years.
Another interesting remark was how my W knows that she is filling her free time with activities so that she doesn’t have to think. A crazy gym schedule and other activities. This week, she was going to go to the gym when she was alone, but then she said to herself that she needs to think. Instead she went to a spa about a mile from our house that has outdoor pools. She spent the afternoon there just thinking.
She said the surf guy was a loser. I'm convinced she has no intentions of starting anything with him again.
She said a lot. Including a funny story about her staying at our friend’s house these days.
I have a lot to digest.
What she said was very promising. I need to see how she acts and what she does. I’m very hopeful that is the road to a better marriage, but I’m also doing so with the realization that it may be a long journey yet.
The apology was a big step imo. Some spouses NEVER get one.
By some of your other comments, she's still doing a lot of running, but is now starting to actually "think" about things. Its still very tenious, things could go either way, she sounds like she's becoming more comfortable with the idea of being on her own now. Its a double edged sword I guess, I was hoping that with the time out of the house, she could possibley discover that she missed you more. Just not enough time away. But its great that she admitted she'd be just looking for another you.
Im hopeful for you SA, really, your right a lot of positives, I just hope she can hold on. And pray you can stick to your guns and let the process play out further.
I think its important, and I don't know how to pull it off, but she says she could live on her own, but still be with you eventually. That it doesn't come off as "I can do what I want, and you'll be still waiting for me" or cake eating. How do you say im not waiting forever, but I've come this far, why not give it more time. Do you have a threshold, date, or circumstance without making it sound like an ultimatum. Did allowing her back in the house so soon come off as more of a small slap on the wrist that she doesnt truly understand its implications. Will there be a next time that she'd push the boundry more, cause your going to be there to help pick up the pieces.
I dunno, maybe im doing too much thinking for you.
Thumpered, yes I didn't think I would get an apology. But this was one of my conditions for returning home. Regardless it was a true apology, not just to come home.
The conditions to come home were to tell me what she did, apologize, boundaries on relations with OM and going out behavior, and transparency (FY suggested this). Since she agreed, I said yes come back.
BTW, she was worried whether I would take her back or not. Her Mother is living with us, and I think my W got the message, "hey, he's fine without you." I wasn't an emotional wreck, and I did everything that needed to get done, including buying a b-day present and sending my two oldest off to a sleepover b-day party.
My W will likely start pushing the boundaries, probably not for a month or so as she get comfortable again. IDK, I'll see what happens.
MLC changes the person. My W will not be like she was before. I can see that a new permanent part of her personality is going to be seeking excitement and adventure through sports/hobbies/activities and also having a very active social life. Hopefully it will come into balance and not be the dominating focus of her life as it now seems.
I can see that a new permanent part of her personality is going to be seeking excitement and adventure through sports/hobbies/activities and also having a very active social life.Hopefully it will come into balance and not be the dominating focus of her life as it now seems.
Maybe too early to tell...I have watched my W try on all sorts of different things to see if they "fit", "work", are the "magic cure", etc...some are still around, some are long discarded, some haven't been tried yet.
But you are right, there will be changes.
Congrats on your results!!
Keep going!
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Wow SA so much happening. I'm so glad you got the truth and an apology....huge!
Keep up the great work.
M 16 T 20 M 41 H 39 S 19 S 15 Bomb drop April 4; Moved out April 13 D started-full force ----------------------- Dancing through the fire Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me ROAR
MLC changes the person. My W will not be like she was before. I can see that a new permanent part of her personality is going to be seeking excitement and adventure through sports/hobbies/activities and also having a very active social life. Hopefully it will come into balance and not be the dominating focus of her life as it now seems.
Having boundaries and maintaining them are good, but be careful not to go too far. If W feels tied down or that you have her on a short leash, she won't like it and WILL find a way to break free. It's a fine line that we must walk.
I know in my W's case, just knowing she has her freedom has allowed her to feel comfortable enough to stay. Every spouse and sitch is different... continue to take notes and do what works for you. Don't be inflexible or afraid to change things up when necessary. Show her love.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
How great that you got the apology and explanation you wanted, and that your W is back home. So happy for you! But as your W isn't done with her MLC, it's probably premature to try to mind read as to which parts of the personality she is exhibiting now are a permanent part of her. Over the past 4 years, my H has changed a dozen times. Every time, I get happy or more usually, sad, thinking that this is how we are going to be forever, that this latest change is forever. But it sure never has been yet, he's still working his way thru and trying on new things.
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
Hosted dinner last night with W’s old boss and his family who are on vacation from the East coast. Had a really nice time. Seemed like we were a normal family.
The W went out of her way to be nice to me. She was getting ready for the dinner and I helped out a little bit. I went outside and cut off some roses from our bushes (we have about 20 rose bushes) and put it in a vase. When I brought it inside, my W commented that the vase was too big for the number of flowers I cut – I joke that my W is Martha Stewart and wants everything to be perfect in her eyes. I ignored her, put the vase down, and went into my office to do some work while waiting. Well, I must have made a face because about 10 minutes later my W came in and apologized and said, “you know how I am with my OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder)” Just a remark to notice how my W is making an effort to treat me nice. I’ll see how long that lasts.
During dinner the topic of my W returning to school to be a physician assistant came up. Her former boss is one of her references. He didn’t realize that the university is 3.5 hours from here. He commented to no one in particular, “Oh, she can’t do that, what about her family?” My W made a face of disappointment and like she knows. My W respects his opinion a lot, and it was interested to have him voice the obvious to me, how can she leave her family for 1-2 years to attend school so far away?
Had a short R talk last night, more or less instigated by me. We were sitting on the coach together, W had laptop and was research college programs. Seemed too normal as if last week never happened. W said that career IS very important to her. Currently, this is one of her biggest issues -- unhappiness with her career. We also talked about us because she said if it wasn't for the kids she could apply to universities around the country. Meaning that if it was just me, she would feel free to go anywhere and not be close to home.
I asked her why she came home? Yes, big no-no, since she is not going to answer the way I want. She said, "she belonged here." she mentioned the kids, and said everything but about us. The other night it came up, and she asked me why I took her back. My response was because I still loved her. That night she responded with what was essentially an ungratifying "ditto." Tonight was more of the same.
She did say that she thought coming back she would 'feel' different, but she doesn't. I didn't really expect it to shock her into feeling different so I'm not surprised. She also said that her brother told her how what she is feeling now is distorted and she just needs to be patient and wait. If you remember, in July she had a long telephone call with her brother who also has a W in MLC it seems. I find it interesting how much weight she put in his advice.
I asked about her 1-night stand, what was she thinking? She wasn't. She said she did regret hurting me, she didn't say whether she regretted what she did. She did have some remorse that it was against her morals.
The R talk went fine in that emotions didn't get carried away. Although it's not satisfying for me to hear that she's not really feeling in love with me.
Afterwards we went to the bedroom. In the evening I took my girls to the library to get books and I got two books. One is about a women who in midlife quits her job and buys a boat and sails it up the East coast with a guy who she meets (he also quit his career and gave up everything). Seems like two MLCers.
The second book is Passionate Marriage and is about how to have intimacy in your marriage. My W was looking at this, and the opening of the book is a sex therapy session where the women tells how she has these fantasies while having sex with her husband. I playfully teased my W asking what her fantasies are. I know my W has a rich fantasy world. She asked me, I don't really have any. I think this is a difference between men and women. Anyway, she told me one fantasy and we did it.
In my sitch, we have never stopped ML. I'm not really sure how this affects our whole R right now. What I do want is to make it more intimate. The book Passionate Marriage is about this aspect.
